Remember Me
by PiscesChikk
Summary: AU Extreme circumstances bring about a fateful meeting between John and Joss. Both are reeling from loss, seeking to forget and move on with their lives. A chance encounter brings about the chance for healing, but something happens to change the course of their lives forever.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N ~ This story is an AU. I got the initial idea from Lovemboth where Carter isn't a police officer and where she meets Reese under different circumstances. I enhanced that idea and added a few other things to the plot that we'll see further down the line as the story starts to unfold. I hope you enjoy what I've come up with. Thanks to everyone who encouraged me during my writer's block; Bug Evans, Wolfmusic218 and anyone else I might have missed out. As it turns out, out of my writer's block I was able to write this. This is the prologue and starts in the present day. **

**I do not own Person of Interest or its characters.**

* * *

**PROLOGUE**

**May 2013**

Joss Carter settled into a parking spot and shut down the engine of the rental car she'd gotten just yesterday evening when she arrived in Chantilly, a small town just a few miles from Langley, Virginia.

Her hands were shaking as she slipped the keys out of the ignition and she put them back on the wheel trying to steady them. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and told herself to relax. She told herself she'd be alright. She'd only come to confirm what Derek Chambers, the private investigator she'd hired to look for John had found out. That he'd worked for the CIA and that he'd been killed in the service, just a few short years ago.

She didn't want to believe it. Her heart sank at the news and she felt an overwhelming sense of regret and sadness. What would she do now? She needed answers, she needed a solution. Coming to the CIA headquarters was something she felt compelled to do. She had to see for herself.

She got out of the car and straightened the jacket of her suit, smoothing imaginary lines from her gray skirt and walked towards the entrance. The lobby was imposing and she looked at the seal under her feet as she made her way further in.

**CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.**

John had told her he'd worked for the government, but he hadn't been specific when she questioned him. He wouldn't say where. She figured he worked in the Army or the Marines even. Maybe he'd been deployed when they met, or was on a tour. She never guessed he worked for the CIA.

None of that mattered now anyway she told herself as she walked up the stairs and made her way to the Memorial Wall.

She stood in front of it, gazing at the rows of stars in front of her. All carved carefully into the marble, perfectly formed, perfectly spaced, all gray standing side by side. She looked down at the Book of Honor beneath it in its case, its pages open and she searched for the most recent names added to the book.

Derek had said that she would find him there. She looked down scanning the names row by row, hoping and praying that he was wrong. She didn't have to look long; there it was, staring back at her in bold italicized lettering;

_**2010 * John Henry Lucas**_

She put a hand to her mouth as she felt tears sting her eyes.

Derek had been right. He was dead. John was dead.

She pressed a kiss to her fingertips and lightly touched the steel case, letting it linger there for a moment.

"Goodbye, John."


	2. Acting on Impulse

**A/N This chapter takes us to the past and we find out how John and Joss initially met, the circumstances that drove them together and eventually we come to learn of his supposed 'death'. Hope you enjoy this chapter. **

* * *

**10 YEARS EARLIER**

**March 2003**

John stood in the shower stall at the safe house in Prague. He held his hands out cupping the tepid water in his palms, then splashed it over his face. He tried to clear his mind, his thoughts. So many conflicting images swirled around in it. He heard the thud of bodies hitting the ground, the sound of silencers slicing the air. He winced, closing his eyes, remembering having to dispose of them, watching their remains swirl down a drain, blood and body parts, now joined into one. They disappeared, never to be seen or heard from again.

He saw images of Jessica, dressed in white, walking down the aisle to meet Peter Arndt at the end of it. He imagined that she was beautiful, her golden hair about her shoulders, pink lips and innocent eyes hid behind the mystery of a veil.

Today was her wedding day.

The numbing ache he felt was stronger than any blow he'd ever been struck with. It was over. It was inevitable and he knew that the minute he joined the CIA. He wasn't who she needed. He'd never be the man she remembered anymore. And though she told him she was willing to wait, trying to be brave in the airport, she didn't really know who he'd become. He could only utter the words after she was long gone. But he knew it was too late.

Tonight she would be on her honeymoon and her new life would begin.

So would his.

He scrubbed at his skin, trying to wash away the events of the day. Trying to scrub away the stain of his cowardice, trying to rid himself of the memories of her and his desires to someday make new ones to replace them. There was no hope now, he finally realized it.

No, he finally _accepted_ it.

Later, he lay on one of the small military cots in what was supposed to be their sleeping quarters, nursing a cheap bottle of Czech whiskey. He heard footsteps coming closer and took a deep breath knowing the confrontation that was about to come.

The door swung open and he sat upright, resting the bottle down on the ground. Her eyes were blazing, she was angry, but that was nothing new. She was angry with him often.

"What is it Kara?" He asked eyeing her coldly.

"Leave? You're going on leave? Now? At a time like this?" She stood close to him, hands on her hips.

"Yes, I'm going first thing in the morning." He replied dryly.

"What about Madison? We're supposed to go pick him up in the evening."

"You can handle him on your own. Snow agreed with me."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that your old sweetheart got married today would it?"

He got up from the bed slowly and she looked up at him as he towered over her.

"What's the matter boy scout? You still jealous of Peter?" She taunted with a smile on her face. "Sooner or later you're gonna have to accept the fact that there's no normal life in your future. This is it right now. This is all it's ever gonna be."

"Kara I am not in the mood. So if you don't mind….." He gestured towards the door, indicating that she leave.

"Well as it happens, John…..I _am_ in the mood." He was not surprised as she walked up to him and put both her hands on his bare chest. She was always especially amorous after a kill, even more so if they got into an argument after it. He found a certain release in giving in to his twisted desire for her. He was able to expel some of his frustration, his anger and his helplessness by pushing himself deep inside her.

Even in bed she fought for dominance, it was a battle of wills between them in everything they did as partners, but tonight, he was unwilling to play their game. Her arms were around his neck now, her fingers digging into his flesh. And she tilted her head up, ready to receive his kiss.

He closed his eyes holding in his anger and pushed her away roughly. "This isn't happening tonight, Kara. Get out."

Something ignited in her eyes and she walked back up to him, striking him in the face. "Oh, I think it is."

He grunted mildly at the blow and gripped her wrist when she went to hit him again. She lifted her other hand but he grabbed it before she could land another punch and twisted both hands behind her back. She struggled against him twisting the heel of her boot into his bare toes. He winced but didn't let go and pushed her up against the hard brick wall of the room.

"I realize this is all foreplay for you, Kara, but I'm really not interested. I promise you that."

"Are you sure?" She cried out as he pressed his knee into the back of her thigh and twisted her arm tighter. He bent his head close to her ear and his voice was low, dark and menacing.

"I'm pretty sure you don't want me to prove it to you." His hold on her arm was tighter now, if he increased the pressure any more, it would snap and break.

"Alright, alright. You win. Let me go, damn it!" He pushed away from her abruptly and she staggered to the doorway. "You son of a bitch!"

He felt no remorse for what he'd done just now. He felt no anger. The only thing he felt was mild indifference.

He was losing himself, his soul. The more time he spent with her he felt pieces of who he used to be, slip away bit by bit.

He slept, but he didn't feel rested when he got up. He left the safe house without saying goodbye to Kara and two hours later he was on a plane heading for Paris. He hoped that a change of scenery if only for a week would bring a little clarity to his mind.

* * *

Jocelyn Carter stood in line at the gate at the Norfolk International Airport in Virginia waiting to board her flight. She was heading to Paris on a one week trip that was supposed to be her honeymoon. Instead she was travelling alone, having caught her fiancé cheating on her just two months shy of their wedding date.

She'd been devastated, depressed and had to go through the embarrassing task of contacting all the guests and telling them the wedding was off. She spent hours on the phone with vendors cancelling orders for flowers, food, the wedding and reception location. She'd had to endure stares from the people at the office, questions about what happened, the well meant words from her friends and family and her fiancé pleading with her for them to work it out.

What was there to work out? She wondered. He'd obviously made a choice, and he didn't choose her.

Paul Andrews. She met him at a repair shop while her car was getting serviced. He was the definition of tall dark and handsome. He had beautiful eyes, a radiant smile and skin the tone of dark chocolate. He chatted her up while she waited for the mechanic to get her keys and her invoice. He told her he was an architect and he had an office in Virginia Beach where he also lived. He asked her to dinner and she'd enjoyed their brief conversation in front of the garage so much she said yes. She'd fallen for him almost instantly and they dated for two years before he proposed.

She thought everything was perfect. They shared the same goals, wanted the same things, they were ready to start a family. But walking in on him having sex with someone else proved her theory wrong. She was stunned, rooted to the spot and as he and the girl scrambled to get their clothes on, she felt almost as if she would black out.

She barely heard the words he said to her, his explanations, his pleadings for her to understand, to forgive. It wasn't until the next morning she began to break down, so badly that she wasn't able to go in to work. She'd spent the entire day in bed, crying, trying to make sense of what had happened. Trying to figure out what she did that wasn't enough. What was it that she did to make him want someone else?

For weeks she tried to figure it out, tried to make sense of it. She was on the verge of taking him back, but she realized she didn't trust him anymore. And if she couldn't trust him, she couldn't be with him. She'd always have that nagging feeling in the back of her mind that he'd betray her again. So here she was, thinking of a new chapter in her life and she hoped this trip was the jump start she needed.

With her boarding pass in hand, she walked onto the plane and took her seat. It was near the window and this was just a short connecting flight to New York, where she'd board the next plane for Paris.

She needed to get away from it all. She needed a break to clear her head. She needed to figure out how she'd get over him. She promised herself she wouldn't cry anymore. She'd shed enough tears in the last month to last her a lifetime. One thing she was sure about was that she never wanted to see him again.

After this week was over, she planned to throw herself into her work. She wasn't interested in dating in the near future. All she wanted to do was focus on her career. She'd just made Senior Associate at McMillan & Shane. She considered it a great accomplishment at her age. She was young and at the age of 32, she was _**the**_ youngest senior associate at the firm. She knew all eyes would be on her in the new position. There were many who wanted her to fail and she planned to prove all of them wrong.

But she wouldn't think about that now. She'd just relax on this vacation and pretend that nothing back home existed. She planned to have fun, eat drink and immerse herself in the French culture as much as she could.

Her flight arrived in New York a little over an hour later and forty five minutes after that, she was on her way to Europe. As the plane finally ascended into the air, she waved goodbye to the city and closed her eyes. She fell asleep just a few minutes later.

* * *

The small apartment looked pretty much how he'd left it. He'd called ahead to tell the landlord to have it cleaned and to stock it up with enough food to last him for a week and he was happy to see that all he'd asked for had been done.

He had owned the place for a little over a year although he hardly used it, only when he was on leave which wasn't often. He'd used it once when they had to work and he didn't want to spend the night at the safe house with Kara, when he wanted to pretend he wasn't John Reese.

He opened the windows feeling the cool night breeze hit him in the face.

He wanted to go out.

He unpacked his clothes, took a quick shower and got dressed in a simple dark pair of jeans and a black polo shirt.

He threw on a leather jacket and headed for the bar around the corner. It was his usual hangout and familiarity was what he craved now more than ever.

He walked through the wooden doors, and immediately the sounds of music filled his ears. There were a good number of people here and he was glad that it was the sort of place that catered to a more mature crowd. Old Louis was behind the bar, his jovial smile in place, his voice booming above the volume of the music.

He didn't recognize the waitress when she came over to take his drink order. This girl was much younger, a little wet behind the ears and she introduced herself as Celine. She stumbled over her words. She was either really shy or really nervous. He humored her with a lazy smile and ordered a beer for a start. Maybe later he'd try something heavier.

He settled into his chair and ordered some mini croque monsieur snacking on the tiny sandwiches when they arrived. Almost an hour and a half hour later and about four beers deep he let his eyes sweep over the room watching everyone who came in.

His eyes went to the door as he saw them swing open and he was taken aback at the beauty that suddenly walked in. He sat up in his chair and watched as she stood at the entrance looking around, wondering if she wanted to stay or not. By the look on her face she was skeptical, and he found himself willing her not to leave.

She was striking, he thought. Her hair was wavy, hanging loosely over her shoulders. She was average height though her heels made her look much taller. Her eyes were round, she had a full mouth and her skin, was a nice honey coloured brown. She wore a simple wine coloured tube dress that fell just under her knees and clung to her curves in just the right places. The outline of her hips and thighs were evident through the tight fabric and the sight of her butt as she walked over to the bar made him start to stiffen in his pants.

He took another pull of his beer draining the bottle and walked over to the bar. She was seated now and in the process of ordering a drink. Unfortunately Louis didn't speak very good English and her request for a particular cocktail was proving to be frustrating for both of them.

He'd found the perfect opening.

He leaned on the bar ordering another beer for himself and since he spoke in fluent French, Louis was quick to go and get it.

"I don't believe this." He heard her mutter. "Excuse me, sir. I wasn't quite finished ordering."

He smiled at her frustration and turned toward her leaning on the bar. "Do you need some help?"

She turned to him, relief passing over her face. "Oh my God." She started laughing. "Yes! I've been trying to order a pomegranate martini, but it's not quite working out."

"I kinda picked up on that." He said looking at her. She was facing him now and she slid her hand toward his.

"You did didn't you?" She laughed again and he loved the sound. "Can you please help me out? I'd really appreciate it. I'd even pay for this round."

"How bout you let me buy you this round, and you join me at my table at the back?"

She pulled her hand back and he stood still while she studied him for a moment. He felt almost like he'd been presented for a critique as her eyes swept over him from head to toe. Her gaze practically burned over him and he swore he saw her begin to blush a little. She nodded her head and agreed.

"Yes, okay. I will."

He turned to Louis, who was back with his beer and ordered her martini. He offered her his arm and she looped hers through it as they walked back to his table.

He loved how she felt at his side and he caught a whiff of her perfume as she stood next to him. It was a lovely light floral scent, intoxicating to say the least. He helped her into her chair and sat opposite her. She looked around the place taking it all in. Celine was back at the table with her martini and she took it with a smile raising the glass to her lips. He watched as she closed her eyes, making an hmmm sound.

"This is good. The old guy has some skills."

"Yeah, he definitely knows his way around a bar, among other places."

"So I take it you come here often." She said.

"Every now and then. I'm John, John Reese."

"Nice to meet you John Reese. I'm Jocelyn Carter." She took another sip of her drink and settled into her seat, crossing her legs. This caused her dress to ride up a bit and he cocked his head to the side looking at her legs. They were smooth and he wondered what they'd feel like under his hands.

"I can't tell you how glad I am that you are here. I probably would've ended up drinking whatever was on tap for the rest of the night."

"Now that would have been a tragedy."

She giggled at his attempt at dry wit.

"Yes it would have, because this martini is amazing. I would've missed out on this. You want to try it?"

"I'll take your word for it. Although I can't deny watching you drink it is…. very delicious."

"Well aren't you full of surprises. Multi lingual, tall, handsome, and a silver tongue to top it all off." Her eyes travelled along the full length of him again before she took another sip of her drink. This time she let her lips linger on the rim and the sight of her lips pressed together caused him to stir once more.

He wanted her.

He wanted to taste those lips. He wanted to feel them on his skin. He wondered what it would be like to kiss her senseless, suck on them and leave them swollen and quivering for more.

"So what brings you to Paris, Joss?"

* * *

He called her Joss.

She raised an eyebrow at it. People rarely shortened her name and those who did were those very close to her. Still she couldn't deny the way it sounded on his tongue.

She smiled. It had proven to be a talented tongue so far. He'd solved the quandary of her drink order and now he'd given her a nickname. She was interested to find out just what else his tongue could do.

But he'd asked her about her reason for visiting. She wasn't interested in hashing out her sob story with Paul. Firstly it was too personal a story to share and secondly she didn't want to ruin the moment with talk about her ex.

"Won an office competition, couldn't pass up the opportunity to come here, Paris, the _City of_ _Light._ Once in a lifetime trip."

"Where are you staying?"

"I'm at _**The Normandy**_."

"It's a nice hotel, expensive." He remarked.

"Yeah, they went all out." He ordered another round of drinks for them and she studied him as he talked to the waitress. She wasn't lying when she said she found him handsome earlier. But there was something about him. He seemed reserved, she wouldn't call him shy, but she could tell he was used to holding back a lot of himself around people despite being capable of appearing friendly. He looked like he was good at blending in, as well as standing out when he had to.

He told her about his first time here, how he fell in love with the city and the people. He said he was on vacation right now and that he worked in construction. She found that hard to believe given the way he talked, moved and spoke, but she figured like her he needed anonymity so she didn't press him further.

She enjoyed his company, his conversation and she liked the sensual banter they exchanged. He'd been checking her out since he ordered her first drink at the bar and she made no attempt to hide her admiration of his looks.

With each drink she felt her inhibitions fly more and more out the window. She wasn't drunk, but after three drinks and her fourth on the way, she was comfortable. She slipped her shoes off under the table and in the middle of his sentence about a concert happening later in the week; she slowly slid her toe up the side of his leg.

"Oh I'm sorry." She said feigning surprise when he jumped a little at her touch. "Was that your leg?" Celine was back with her drink, a raspberry martini this time.

"You know it was. And you're not sorry." She liked his voice. It was deep now, low and raspy. His eyes were gleaming in amusement and something else. She licked her lips as he reached out, taking her hand. "Neither am I." He said and he trailed his finger along the inside of her palm. She felt something shooting through her. It was strong, stronger than anything she'd felt in a while. She wanted to drown in it. Her eyes fluttered a little, her lips parted. He leaned forward a little raising her hand to his mouth and kissed her palm.

He looked at her and she could see in his eyes the same thing she was feeling.

She wanted him.

"You want to get outta here?" He asked with his fingers still curled up in hers.

She nodded and downed the rest of her drink while he walked over to the bar and took care of the tab. He came back to the table and bent down to put her shoes back on, then he got up and took her hand.

"Come on." He said and led her outside. She moved closer to him as they walked down the street. There was music in the air and she felt light, carefree. She smiled as he raised her hand to his mouth kissing the back of it.

"Where are we going?" She asked idly."

"Just up the street and around the corner. My place isn't far."

She started to panic. Maybe she was making a mistake. Maybe she should just go back to her hotel. After all she didn't know him.

….and Paul….Paul had cheated on her. Tears started to sting her eyes.

She stopped in her tracks. "Wait." She said turning to him, nervously. "Kiss me." She put her arms around him, her heart beating so fast she felt it would come out of her chest. She felt his hand go behind her neck, his other around her waist and he bent his head close to hers. She opened her mouth under his and felt a wave of something overtake them as he kissed her. His lips were hot, fiery and she groaned into his mouth as he took her. His hand on her lower back pulled her closer; she could feel him getting hard underneath his jeans.

She put her hands under his shirt; felt his bare skin and she couldn't describe the feeling of desire that was pulsing through her veins right now. She was moving backward, into an alley way and she was pressed against a wall.

She thought about propriety and dismissed it. She didn't care right now. She felt his lips at her throat, his hands moving over her breasts and soon his mouth followed. He pulled the neckline down and sucked at them teasing her nipples with his tongue. He called her name as her hands fumbled with the belt at his waist.

"Oh, God." She moaned softly, right before he plunged his tongue in her mouth. He pulled her dress up, and she swore, as his hands moved over her thighs and butt. She pulled him out of his underwear, her hands stroking him. He was hard, she thought, long and thick and she smiled a little right before he bit on her bottom lip.

"Hold onto me." He said breathily while he picked her up. He pushed her thong to the side and impaled her onto his cock.

They both cried out as he slid inside and he lifted her over and over, pressing her hard into the wall. She mewled softly in her throat, holding tightly onto his shoulders as he powered into her.

"Yesssssssssssssssssssss…." She groaned into his neck. His thrusts were hard and she felt the full impact of each one. He was filling, and so damn deep, she felt dizzy. She ran her hands through his hair, closing her eyes tightly as he moved inside her. Damn it she was close and she clenched on him as he hit her walls over and over.

Her orgasm was strong, and her nails dug into his back as he pounded into her for the last time. He groaned into her neck as he came.

Both of them were breathless for a moment and he held onto her for a little while longer while his mouth lingered on her shoulder. He slowly put her down on the ground and her legs were a little weak. He held her around her waist to steady her and she pulled her dress back down while he pulled his pants back up.

She felt like a silly teenager. She hadn't been this reckless in years. She didn't believe in it, but she knew one thing, she wanted his hands on her again.

"Let's go back to your place." She said. He held her hand and led her out of the alley slowly looking around. "Is the coast clear?" She asked.

He grinned and pulled her close. "It is. Come on."


	3. Family Ties

**PRESENT DAY**

**May 2013**

Joss got off the elevator of her floor back at the hotel. The drive back from Langley wasn't that long and she was back in Chantilly in no time. She lingered near the Memorial Wall for a while after she'd seen John's name, thinking to herself, wondering what her next move was. Even after she got back in her car, she still couldn't quite believe what she just found out.

Derek had told her that he was in the process of trying to find any of John's relatives. For the past few weeks, though he hadn't had much success. The only solid lead he had was finding out about his death in 2010. Apparently most if not all the information on John had been deemed _**Redacted**_. The only way he'd been able to find out about John's death was through a friend who worked at the CIA. Other than his star on the wall, he was unwilling and possibly unable to give him anything else.

She almost felt like giving up. She wondered if she should still look for his family. She remembered her reasons for looking and a sad smile came to her mouth as she slipped off her shoes and took her jacket off resting it on the bed. She had to keep going. She had to see it through to the very end.

It was just mid afternoon and she started to feel hungry. She debated over whether to order room service or check out one of the local restaurants. She walked over to the bed with the hotel menu in hand and sat down to open it when her cell phone rang.

"Hello?" She answered.

"How'd it go today?" It was Derek's voice on the other line.

"Hey Derek. Well…you were right." She admitted with a sigh and felt tears sting her eyes again. "I saw his name. I saw his star. I just….I can't believe he's dead you know. I thought….I really thought I'd have a chance to see him again and tell him…"

She stopped herself from going further and took a deep breath. "It doesn't matter anymore I guess."

"Well I've got some news. There's been a development."

"What kind of development?" She asked sitting up straight.

"I was contacted by a Harold Wren. He says he's John's uncle on his mother's side. He sounded a bit paranoid really, and wouldn't talk much on the phone, but he's agreed to meet with me."

"John's uncle? How'd he find your number?"

"He never actually said. He was very vague when I asked him how he tracked me down."

"And he's right there in New York?"

"Surprisingly so. He's lived here for the past fifteen years or so."

"Don't you find that a little weird?"

"Weird? Maybe. Although it could just be more of a strange coincidence. I'm meeting him today in another hour. What do you want me to tell him Jocelyn? He's gonna ask why you're looking for John."

"I know." She nibbled on her bottom lip, feeling anxious. "Look just…..tell him that it's a matter of life or death. Tell him I haven't given you my reasons. Ask him if he'll see me next week. I'm going back to Norfolk tomorrow morning, but I can fly to New York if he says yes. I'll give him my reasons only when we're face to face."

"You sure you don't want him to know more?"

"I do. I'd love to tell him everything. But I need to be sure he's really related to John. I need to know the kind of person he is before I…..before I give him any more information. I can't be too careful, Derek."

"Well, okay Joss. I'll get back to you tonight."

"Thanks."

She hung up the phone staring out the window feeling just a little better, though she told herself not to get her hopes up too much. They weren't 100% sure that this Harold Wren was legitimately John's uncle. She trusted Derek to get past any lies or deceit and find out what this Wren's intentions truly were. She had to trust him. This lead was all she had left.

* * *

**JOHN LUCAS**

SERVICE RECORD

MISSING **[REDACTED]**

MILITARY RECORD

CIA / FILE : **[REDACTED]**

LAST KNOWN CONTACT: **[REDACTED]** 2004

HOME OF RECORD: **[REDACTED]**

NUMBER OF TOURS:

Short : 4

Long: 1

MIL SPOUSE SSN/MPC: **[REDACTED]**

SVC COMP/DOD: **[REDACTED]**

STATUS : MISSING

RANK – DOR: SGT 19980915

M.I.A.

SSN: **[REDACTED]**

Finch stared at the information on the screen in front of him. It was nothing new, the same information on John that he'd seen hundreds of times before. What was different this time was that this information had been accessed by someone other than himself, a total of five times over the past three weeks. Normally he wouldn't be worried, but the searches had been done by the same person each time, save for one. The last time it was accessed was by a member of the CIA who'd been working with the agency for over twenty years; Milton Davidson.

It hadn't been easy but he'd tracked Davidson's calls and found that he'd been in contact with Derek Chambers, a private investigator based right here in Manhattan. Apparently Chambers had been looking for John for the past two months. He'd hit a lot of brick walls and had been unsuccessful in finding him since the government had all but denied his existence.

With Davidson's help a week ago, Chambers now had definite knowledge of John being declared dead by the CIA in 2010. After that he had been on a search to find out if John had any living relatives.

Chambers was a highly competent investigator, Finch had found out. He was in his early forties, African American and had been married for ten years now. He and his wife had an eight year old daughter and a nice residence in Lower Manhattan. Apart from his job, he was quiet, more of a homebody than a social butterfly and was happiest when he was spending time with his family. He was a church goer, coached his little girl's soccer team and enjoyed a game of golf when he had any extra down time. He did a search for it, but found Chambers had no military background. So he wouldn't have known John from his time there. He could find no ties between the two men, nothing to connect them.

"Why are you looking for him, Mr. Chambers?" He asked himself aloud, and took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. He guessed he would find out when he met him later today.

"New number, Finch?" Finch turned his head slowly to his left, watching Reese walk towards him. He minimized the screen in front of him, concealing what was on it. He had yet to tell Reese about the inquiries into his past. He wanted more solid information before he finally broached the subject.

Bear was in another part of the library but when he heard Reese's voice he came bounding happily into the room. He jumped up; placing his paws on Reese's hands, then ran around him in circles and jumped on him again.

"Bear…Naar beneden, zitten." Said Reese and the dog sat as commanded. He bent down and pet him behind the ears.

Finch got up, and put his jacket on.

"Going somewhere, Finch?" Asked Reese looking up at him.

"The situation with the novelist is resolved. No new numbers have come up yet. Why don't you take Bear to McKenna Park? There's a Greek Heritage festival going on, I'm sure he'd love to be outside for a while."

Reese stood up as Finch made his way to leave. "You didn't answer my question."

"I have a business meeting, Mr. Reese. I'll be in touch." He answered without turning around and made his way down the stairs.

* * *

Reese stared at Finch as he disappeared down the long staircase below. He was curious about where he was headed, and he was tempted to follow him, but he stared at Bear's face, listened to him whine a bit and decided to take him out instead.

"Alright, Bear. Looks like we're on our own this afternoon. Wanna go to the park?" He took the dog's bark as a resounding 'yes' and attached his leash to his collar.

"Come on."

* * *

Finch settled into a booth at the back of Lyric Café. He was sipping on a cup of Sencha Green tea and looked around for Mr. Chambers. He glanced at his watch; the man was late. Finch detested tardiness, but he was prepared to stay until the last minute so he could find out exactly what Chambers wanted. He looked up as the door to the diner opened, but went back to his coffee when he saw two women walking in.

He let out an impatient sigh.

A few minutes later he spotted a tall man entering the cafe; he looked around a while till he spotted Finch and then walked over.

"Harold Wren?" He asked when he got to the table.

"Yes. Are you Derek Chambers?"

"I am, yes."

"Please have a seat, Mr. Chambers." Derek slid into the booth opposite him; he smoothed out his tie and opened the buttons of his blazer as he settled back into the seat. He smiled and shook his head.

"I apologize for being late. I had a negotiation I had to take care of. It took a little longer than I expected it would." Finch signaled for the server and she came over taking Derek's order of a large coffee, black, no cream, no sugar.

"I hope it worked out in your favour, Mr. Chambers." Finch said.

"Do negotiations with eight year old girls ever work out in their father's favour? I swear she has me wrapped around her little pinky. I'm sorry; you don't want to hear about all that."

Finch couldn't help but smile at the way his face opened up as he talked about his daughter fondly. "It's perfectly alright."

"Well let's get down to business shall we. John Lucas, Mr. Wren. You said you're his uncle?"

"His mother's half brother actually, but yes, I'm his uncle. Though I haven't seen John since he was a teenager and not much before that either I'm afraid. I don't know how much help I can be to you."

"May I ask why you haven't seen him all that much during his life?"

"Well, Mr. Chambers as I explained his mother was my half sister. Her mother objected to me being around the family too much seeing as I was the product of her husband's adultery."

"Ah, I see." Derek nodded and took a big drink of his coffee once it came. "So I can assume that you and John were not all that close."

"Not really, no. The few times we did spend together, he struck me as a smart kid though. He was very reserved, kept to himself most of the time."

"When was the last time you saw John?"

"I think it was a few months before his eighteenth birthday. After that I think he moved to San Diego with a girlfriend or for a new job, really I don't remember. Like it said it's been years. May I ask just why you're looking for John? Is he in some sort of trouble?"

"No he's definitely not in trouble. Far from it, really."

"I must say you're being very vague, Mr. Chambers."

"Mr. Wren, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I just recently found out that John died…a few years back."

Finch let his face grow pensive, regretful; he had to feign surprise at the news. He nodded his head slowly.

"Apparently he was a member of the CIA. He died in the line of duty."

"The CIA? How did John get to be involved with the CIA?"

"I was hoping you'd tell me."

"Well as you've learned Mr. Chambers we weren't close. So your guess is as good as mine. Which leads me back to my original question of why you're looking for him and if he is in fact dead, what do you want with his family?"

He watched as Derek pulled a business card out of his wallet and he slid it across the table to him.

"Jocelyn Carter. She hired me a few months ago to find him. I was sorry to have to tell her that he had passed. She's an old friend of his and she told me it was a matter of life and death for her to find this man. She didn't give me specific details on why she wanted, no _needed_ to find him. As soon as I told her he was dead she asked me to start looking for his family. Fate happened to throw you in my lap or I just got lucky. I'm sure she'd want to see you, meet with you, on your terms of course."

"Mr. Chambers, you've got me positively intrigued." He stared at the card.

_** Ms. Jocelyn Carter ESQ. LLC.**_

_** Partner**_

_** McMillan, Shane & Carter Law Firm & Associates**_

Her contact numbers were listed below it. She was based in Norfolk, Virginia, he noted.

"You sure there's nothing else you can tell me about why she's looking for John or his relatives?"

"There's nothing else she's told me. She can meet with you next week if you'll agree to it." He watched the man look at him with hopeful eyes. It seemed he as well as Ms. Carter were incredibly eager to meet with him.

"Ok I will. I'll meet with her, if only to find out what she wants." He gave him his card and lingered for another few minutes before he left. He wasn't entirely sure the meeting was a wise one. In fact the only good thing about it was at least he'd found out who had hired the private investigator.

Jocelyn Carter.

He planned to find out as much as he could about the attorney. In fact he planned to find out everything he could.

* * *

"Come on, Bear, time to go." Reese whistled to the dog, calling him to come and he came back with the ball they'd been playing with in his mouth. The Greek Festival was still going steadily and more people were coming to McKenna Park by the hour. Reese stood and watched while families laughed together, took pictures and sampled food.

He envied them this simple life sometimes. A life of doing chores, taking the kids to school, soccer practice and having family dinners at the end of the day. He wondered what it'd be like to car pool, pack school lunches and bandage up skinned knees and bruised elbows. He was 44 years old, no children, no family. He and Finch had built a friendship of sorts over time, but he still did not know the man's real name, his family ties or anything else about his life. He was sure that Finch trusted him, but he realized there were parts of Finch's past he'd probably never want to talk to him about.

At the end of the day all he had were the numbers. And each time a number was saved, a case closed, he went home to an empty loft, falling asleep to the sound of the TV or the radio whenever he turned it on. He ate dinner alone, he woke up alone, he lived alone.

He didn't kid himself into thinking his life was ideal. He was far from normal. He remembered Kara's words long ago.

"_**This is what your life is, John. This is all it's gonna ever be."**_

Her words had stung him at the time. But in the end she was right. He was burned by his government, his first love was married to another man and he doubted he would ever fall in love again. He couldn't. What kind of life could he offer someone, living as he did? His life was far too dangerous to think about getting married. He couldn't dream of bringing a child into this world. They'd constantly be in danger because of him.

All of this he knew. All of this he accepted.

But there were certain times, like today, that he wished things were different.

Bear whined as he stood as Reese's feet. The poor animal wasn't ready to leave just yet.

"Okay, Bear. Just a few more minutes. Then we go. Understand?" He threw the ball out again and turned his head sharply, the sound of crying reaching his ears. He looked down and saw a little girl with a mass of dark curly hair standing next to him. She reached up to hold onto his fingers, tugging on them.

He was stunned at first tensing as her fingers gripped his, but he relaxed and his face softened as she turned her face up to his and he saw how frightened she was.

"I lost my mommy." She said between sobs. "I lost my mommy." He bent down towards her, trying to shush her and held her hand in his own.

"It's okay." He said picking her up. "Don't cry, we'll find her. Come on." She put her head on his shoulder as he patted her back and he walked toward the large group of people going to the announcer's booth. "What's your name?" He asked.

"Shannon." She said softly. So soft, he could barely hear her.

"How old are you, Shannon?"

"Six and a half." She said proudly.

"Whoa, six and a half. You're a pretty big girl, aren't you? Where's your mommy, Shannon? Did she wander off? Don't you just hate it when mommies do that?"

She looked at him as they got closer to the announcer's booth. Her eyes were big and round and she had rosy cheeks with a pouty mouth.

"We were getting ice cream."

"Ice cream? What's your favourite flavour?"

"Chocolate!" She exclaimed grinning now and he told her he liked chocolate too. The tears stopped falling and her toothy smile warmed his heart.

_Mission accomplished_, he thought and he asked the announcer to ask her parents to pick her up.

He sat with her while they waited and she started to tell him about her pet turtle. He was completely enthralled with her story and she held onto his hand the whole time she spoke of Prince Albert which was the most regal name for a turtle he'd ever heard.

Her mother appeared at the booth a few minutes later, a look of panic then relief on her face. There were tears in her eyes as she scooped Shannon up in her arms and held her tight.

"Thank you. Thank you so much!" She told him and turned round to leave. Shannon looked behind her mother's back and waved goodbye to him till she was out of sight. He smiled and waved back, then turned to call to Bear once more.

It was time to go home.

Reese lay in bed later staring up at the ceiling. His eyes were getting heavy with sleep. He drew the covers high over his chest, fidgeting underneath them, trying to get comfortable.

Tonight was one of those nights he wished he had someone to sleep with beside him, someone to cuddle up with and someone to wake up to the next morning.

He thought of Shannon and her fondness for chocolate ice cream. She was a beautiful little girl, bright eyes, and a breathtaking smile. She walked up to him and latched onto him with all the innocence in the world, trusting him to help her find her mother. She didn't care that he was a stranger. Something about him simply drew him to her. Whatever it was, he was glad to have met her.

The sound of her laughter was high pitched and melodious, and her story of Prince Albert the turtle played over and over in his head before he finally drifted off to sleep

* * *

Joss was anxious. She'd just finished her dinner and a phone call to her mother back in Norfolk. She'd only been gone a day, and she missed her already. She was glad to be going home the next day. The phone call helped to take her mind off of Derek's meeting with Harold Wren a little, but she was dying to know if he showed and if he was willing to meet with her.

She didn't have to wait long. As soon as she put the remnants of her dinner and the dinnerware outside the room door in the hallway, Derek called her.

From what he said Wren wasn't too forthcoming with information about John and he hadn't heard from him in many years.

"I had to break it to him that his nephew was dead."

"How'd he take it?" She asked wincing thinking about the loss the man must have felt at the news.

"He seemed taken aback, he seemed genuinely sad. Sad that he was dead and sad that they were estranged."

"And what about meeting me? What'd he say?"

"He agreed to meet next week. He left a card for you to give him a call. I'll scan it and email it to you tomorrow."

"Derek…."

"You don't have to say anything, Jocelyn. I know."

"I just, it's one thing to find out he's dead. This man….this man is my last hope. I just pray to God that he shows up."

"I believe he will. Stay positive. I'll call you soon."

She hung up and lay in bed afterwards thinking of the night she met John. He was handsome, tall and she was totally caught up with him from the moment he helped order her drink in the bar. That was the most reckless she'd ever been in her ordinarily responsible life.

She didn't believe in one night stands or sleeping with strange men, but something about him just caused every one of her rules and inhibitions out the window. She had to have him and though it was out of the norm for her, she hadn't regretted spending that week with him.

He'd changed her life forever.

She remembered their fumbling in the alley right around the corner from the bar they met in. She was pressed into a wall, grabbing onto him while he sank himself inside her while she experienced one of the best orgasms in her life.

She blushed at the thought. The night she spent with him right afterwards, was just the beginning of and mind blowing week that she'd never forget.

The minute they entered her apartment, she knew he'd be trouble. It turned out to be the sort of trouble neither of them had bargained for. She closed her eyes; thinking if she thought hard enough, she could hear his voice again, feel his touch again.

"Wish me luck with your uncle next week, John." She whispered in the dark. "I think I'm gonna need it."


	4. In Bliss

A/N Here's the latest installment of the fic. We flash back to John and Joss' time in Paris. Hope you enjoy. I own nothing you see here.

* * *

**MARCH 2003**

Joss was still reeling from the intensity of their coupling in the alley. She felt giddy and not quite herself as his fingers gripped hers tightly. The walk back to his place was brief and they got there just a few minutes later. He quickly turned the key in the lock and let them both inside. He turned on a lamp on a table by the door, giving a little illumination to the room, and she looked around for a minute. His place was small, sparsely furnished, but it had a cozy feel to it.

She turned around and saw him taking off his jacket and he looked at her with a sly smile on his face. She smiled back and moved over to him, kicking off her heels. He was so tall and without her shoes on, she barely reached the top of his shoulder. Her hands moved to his chest and her fingers splayed over the expanse of it. He captured her hands in his and spun her round, bending his head to kiss her bare shoulder, then her neck. She leaned into him as his hands travelled over her thighs, up and down, then over her butt and she could feel his hardness at her back.

He turned her to face him again pulling her closer to him still all the while his mouth was blazing a hot trail over her neck, her collarbone, and along the side of her face. She was giddy.

She pressed herself into him, feeling heated, wet and ready for him again. He grappled impatiently with the fabric of her dress and pulled it over her head. Her hands were on his chest under his shirt, she was impatient too. She pulled off of him while he undid his belt, then his zipper, until his pants joined her dress on the floor. He stood naked before her and she took a few seconds to gaze at his body, admiring his muscular physique. His shoulders were broad and toned, his chest hard, his stomach flat. His abs were firm and chiseled just like his thighs, she noticed as she let her eyes roam over the lower half of him.

"Mmmmmmm…" she muttered as she looked between his legs. He was hard and at attention practically staring her in the face. He pulled her against him roughly, kissing the smile off of her lips.

His hands pulled her panties down forcefully and he lifted her up placing her on the bed. He was ready and so was she. There was no more foreplay, no further preamble. Her legs parted as he moved over her and between them. He opened the top drawer of the night stand next to the bed and she watched in the dark as his hands opened a condom and he slipped it on.

He entered her abruptly, pumping into her at a steady pace. Their union was raw, hard and intense. His thrusts were swift, and brutal. It was the kind of sex that pulled everything out of her. The kind where she could barely speak or even make a sound. She was surprised by how snug he fit her and she felt like she was swallowed up underneath him, wound tightly and consumed. Her body was rocked with wave after wave of concentrated feeling. She could barely contain it. She could only grab at him, digging her fingers into his back, his neck, his shoulders, holding onto him while meeting every one of his thrusts. He pushed her and she pushed back, matching him move for move, touch for touch. They were in this together, writhing, feeling, tingling and stroking.

All night it went on like that. He was like an insatiable creature, taking her in every way and position she could imagine. Their cries, their moans, filled the small apartment. They marked each other, with lips, teeth, fingers, tongues that would remind them of their night together. She was drowning, drifting and he was the forceful wave that was carrying her out to sea.

At the end of it, they were nothing but slick, tired bodies, wrapped up and tangled with one another under the sheets. Her body was drained and she lay in his arms with her head to his chest and her leg thrown over his.

He was tracing light circles over her back with the tips of his fingers. The light, gentle movements made her feel relaxed, safe and comfortable. Though he felt warm against her, the chill of the night air made her shiver a little. He pulled the sheets up over them and around her shoulders.

"Better?" She heard him whisper in her ear.

"Hmmm….yeah." She answered. Her eyelids were drooping.

Outside, she could still hear music playing quietly in the distance, but it was the sound of his heartbeat in her ear that finally lulled her off to sleep.

* * *

The sun was up, high and bright.

It was morning and John was the first to wake. He rubbed his eyes, feeling a little groggy and slowly sat up in bed. Joss was asleep beside him, her face still buried in a pillow, her mass of long black hair covering her face.

He smiled thinking of the night before. It hadn't been that long since he'd been with a woman. His unspoken arrangement with Kara fulfilled his physical needs enough, but last night had been different. Last night Joss had given as much as she took. She wasn't selfish, she wasn't cold, but she had been fire, a consuming one at that. He couldn't get enough of her.

He brushed the loose strands of hair from her face smoothing them along her hairline. It caused her to stir a bit and she moaned a little putting her knuckles under her chin. She was beautiful. He moved the sheet lower, kissing her shoulder softly, moving his fingers over her back. His hands played along her thigh, her stomach, then lower where her thighs met.

Her eyes opened abruptly and she looked around as if trying to figure out where she was. He smiled at her bewilderment.

"Good morning, Joss."

She looked at him for a moment, trying to find something to say. "Good morning." She finally said with a slight look of embarrassment on her face. He wondered why. "Sorry I overslept. I'll be out of your way in a minute. Just let me get dressed." She got out from under the sheets and got out of bed.

"Who said there was a rush?" He asked and she turned to face him.

"I just thought that….well you know….after last night, that…."

"I'm perfectly fine with you oversleeping. In fact I'm glad you're still here. You want something to eat?"

"Eat?"

"Yeah. You know? Food. I can fix you something or we could go out. There's a nice place just around the corner or….."

"I don't know…."

He stood in front of her sensing her discomfort, and touched her shoulder, running his fingers over her skin. She closed her eyes, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry. But this is….this is not something that I just _do_. I don't sleep with men I just met in countries I've never been to….."

"Neither do I. So we have that in common." He interrupted, trying to inject some humor and he was glad when she smiled, though reluctantly. "Look you said last night you were excited about coming here. You wanted to have fun, enjoy the city, the people, the food. Here's your chance. It's only a week and you have to admit last night was _**fun**_." He bent to kiss her neck and her eyes fluttered. "There's so much more fun that we can have together."

She seemed to be thinking it over. Her sense of responsibility was at war with her desire to just let go, he could tell. It made him like her even more.

"Don't you want to have just a little more fun?"

His hands were around her waist and though he was thinking of taking her to _**Adele's Rose**_, the little café further in town, he was getting hard just standing next to her.

She looked at him as if she guessed what he was thinking and smiled. "How about you feed me first before we have some more 'fun'?"

"You're right. You're going to need your energy."

"Is that so?" She asked.

"It is."

He showered and changed and they headed back to her hotel where she did the same. She pulled her hair back in a pony tail and she wore some dark slacks with a cream shell tunic over it and some flats. They had breakfast at _**Adele's Rose, **_he took her sightseeing through the city and even bought her a bouquet of flowers.

They took photos of the Arch of Triomphe near the Champs Elysees, ate some West Indian food at Marché des Enfants Rouges. It was the oldest covered market in Paris and they sat on one of the terraces enjoying their meal and each other's company. By the end of the evening they were on the second level of the Eiffel Tower and she was awed by the beauty of the city. They ended up at the top of the monument looking out over the city together.

"It's so beautiful up here." She said. He'd been here and seen it so many times he was used to it. But it was good to see the city through her eyes of someone seeing it for the first time. She seemed full of wonder and amazement as she took it all in. He stood behind her as they were out on the balcony, pinning her to the railing.

"Have you ever made love on top of the Eiffel Tower?" He asked as he ran the tip of his tongue lightly over her neck.

"You know I can't recall ever doing that, no." she said as his hands came around her waist. "John, stop." She said as he pressed himself into her. "People are gonna see us."

"I don't care." He said and spun her round.

"Well I do." She said, but he could feel her start to shiver under his hands.

He kissed her anyway, tasting her mouth with his tongue, pulling her closer so he could feel her against him. "Joss…..what is it about you?"

* * *

"Joss…..what is it about you?"

She couldn't answer his question because his lips claimed hers again. His kiss was deep, and as he pulled her yet closer still, she felt shivers travel down her spine.

This was crazy. The craziest she'd ever been. She was fresh off of a break up. This was supposed to be her honeymoon. This man was little more than a stranger, but it felt so natural to be in his arms like this. She couldn't care less about who passed by and saw them. She didn't care. His mouth, his touch made her feel hot, desired and she lost all sense of reason the moment he put his hands on her.

Later in bed after she'd been thoroughly made love to, she stared up at him as he lay between her legs.

"What are you looking at?" He asked.

"Your nose." She said smiling.

"What about my nose?" He asked as she ran her finger along the bridge.

"This is the most peculiar nose I've ever seen. I just….I love it." She giggled.

"Well thank you." He said and kissed her neck. She moaned, surprised at herself for wanting him again so soon.

"You know, you're the first white man I've ever been with."

"I am?" He said laughing at her confession. "Well….thanks, I think, for stepping out over to the _other side_ and trying something new." He laughed a little, shaking his head. "I don't know. I kinda feel like there's pressure on me to represent the rest of my _people_ here."

"Oh believe me you've outdone yourself. Any preconceived notions I _might_ have had have been destroyed."

"Like what?" He asked as he settled next to her side.

"Like…size." She said pulling the sheet over her face, blushing.

"No, no, no, no…you don't get off that easy. What about my 'size'?"

"Well you are rather…_large_." The both of them laughed. "But what about you? Have you ever…..you know, slept with a black woman before?"

He shrugged. "To me, women are like….ice cream, soft, delicious and you should try a different flavour every now and again."

"Oh. So you're an ice cream connoisseur then." She said rising up, leaning on her forearms.

"Now don't put words in my mouth. I didn't say that, exactly. But I have developed a taste….for a little chocolate." He pulled her back down next to him, grabbing her hand. "And it seems that now, you like the taste of vanilla. It's not as bland as you thought it'd be."

"Don't you go getting a big head over that, now." He took her hand and held it over his cock. She could feel it pulsing underneath her hand.

"Too late for that, I think." He was right. She could feel him starting to get hard.

She pulled the sheets back and stared at it, watching it grow under her gaze.

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I wanna see it." She said matter of factly and ran her finger along the length. It rose at the touch, then rested again. He made a hissing sound. "You like that?" She said, her eyes meeting his. His hands were beneath his head and his eyes were hooded now.

"You know I do." He whispered back. With her eyes still on his, she pressed a kiss to his stomach. The hardened muscles twitched under her mouth. Her tongue snaked out licking the skin just under his navel and he hissed again.

"Ahhhhh….so that's your spot." She murmured and kissed him there again. He let out a few ragged breaths and she looked at his cock again. It was even harder. She ran her tongue along the length, watching him close his eyes tightly. She wrapped her tongue along the head, then up and down his shaft. She released it and watched as it slowly moved up toward his navel and past it. Her eyes widened and she licked her lips taking him in her hands.

She sucked on him for a while, watching his chest rise and fall at the sensations she knew was going through him. She tenderly kissed at the insides of his thighs, running her tongue along the sensitive skin till he was hot and writhing underneath her tongue.

She stroked him in her hands over and over, her hands slick with his precum. He handed her a condom and she opened it, putting it on him. He pulled her closer, till she hovered right over him. His hands were on her hips and he guided her down on top of him until she took all of him in. She rocked back and forth over him, squeezing him as she moved. He buried the back of his head in the pillow, and held onto her hips as she rode him.

He was so deep and thick and she felt like she was floating. His hands moved over her breasts, squeezing her nipples and she looked him in the eyes. His gaze bore into hers, holding her there so powerfully, so sensually.

They found release together in each other, both taking and giving. Both pouring into each other, both not holding back. He hit something so deep inside her, she couldn't describe it. She didn't know if she wanted to.

The next few days went by so quickly.

Before she knew it, it was Thursday afternoon and they were in her hotel room about to go to the beach. Problem was she hadn't brought a swim suit with her. But he told her she didn't need one. He'd chartered a boat and they were going on a short excursion to a secluded island where they'd have a stretch of sand and blue water all to themselves with no prying eyes for hours. He told her all she needed was a towel, her slippers and some sun block.

She quickly threw on some shorts and a t-shirt and they left her room hand in hand headed for the pier. They walked toward the ramp, and she put her sunglasses on while she watched him speak with a tall lanky old gentleman in rapid French. It was all lost on her; she couldn't understand a word they were saying. He soon beckoned to her and when she walked over to him he held her hand and helped her onto the boat.

She sat on one of the cushioned seats at the back and put her feet up. The water was relatively calm, the weather was warm, and it seemed like the skies would be clear for the rest of the day.

"How long is the ride?" She asked when he came to sit next to her.

"About a half hour."

"Where'd you learn to speak French?" She asked, but he took a while to answer which she found peculiar.

"Picked it up here and there."

"Did you pick up your German from the same place?" She asked and he smiled. "I heard you when we were at the market yesterday when you were speaking to the lady about the beer."

"You don't miss anything do you?" He said rubbing his hands up and down her arms.

"Nope I'm pretty observant, it's my job, paying attention to details. Could be the difference between winning and losing."

"At the _**supermarket**_ back home, right?" He said sarcastically.

She felt a little embarrassed remembering the story she gave him about being a store manager at a local Food Lion back in Virginia.

"Right, right."

She couldn't help it but she wanted to know more about him. But she realized with the week quickly coming to a close, maybe it didn't matter. But what if it did? She wanted to know where he was from, where he lived, what he wanted out of life. These questions nagged at her all of a sudden, but she was wondering if she should ask them.

"You're looking pretty serious there. I thought we were supposed to be having fun." He ran his finger down the bridge of her nose.

"We are." She said and sat in his lap. "So tell me about this island."

* * *

What are you doing, John? He asked himself this question over and over for the past few days he spent with her. Every night they spent together and she fell asleep in his arms he asked himself what he was doing.

She was only supposed to be fun for one night, then he was supposed to send her packing, albeit gently. He didn't need or want any emotional attachments this week. He knew that, but something about her made him want to spend more time with her. Of course it made no sense to like her, after this week he'd never see her again. His type of life, his career, made that impossible. Jessica's marriage was a reminder that he could never have normal, what made him think being with Joss would be different.

He should walk away. Many times he was about to. He planned to leave her hotel room and never call or see her again. After their last day at the market, he planned to leave after their meal was done. He'd tell her it was fun while it lasted, but he wasn't interested any more. But he couldn't do it. A part of him wanted to be normal if only for this one week of vacation. One week that was rapidly coming to a close. Then he'd have to ditch the Boy Scout again and become the killer once more.

She wouldn't want him anyway he thought, if she really knew what he was, what he did. But she looked at him with her brown eyes and he'd feel like he could be someone else. So he pretended for just another day instead of walking away.

Now they were on this boat and she was asking questions. His guess was, she was an attorney, probably worked at a law firm, probably was moving up the ranks very quickly. She struck him as very intelligent, shrewd, intuitive. She wasn't just an average Jane. She was heads above the rest.

What had brought her here, he wondered. He wanted to know. Answers would come with consequences. If he got any, he'd have to give some of his own. For now he'd keep his mouth shut and enjoy her as much as he could before it all had to end.

He told her about the island, its secrets and legends and the rumors he'd heard about it. She balked at the story about ghosts roaming the shores at night.

"I don't believe in ghosts, John and I'm sure you don't, either."

"What if I told you I did?" He said suddenly serious.

"Something haunting you, John? Or someone?" She asked staring at him. With her hands caressing his face he felt almost like he wanted to tell her all. To verbalize what had been eating away at him for so long. But he couldn't.

"The only thing haunting my dreams at night right now is you."

"Hmph. We both know that's not true."

* * *

They pulled up to the dock of the island and he was right, white sand stretched before them for miles. There was a large cabin where they could change and rest until the boat came back. She jumped over the side, her feet hitting the water. It was cool on her skin. She waved goodbye to the boat captain and John ran alongside her as the boat sailed away.

"You may be able to fool other people with your smooth talk and those blue eyes of yours, but you don't fool me."

"Joss…."

"Come on. Let's go have some of this fun, you promised me." She was pulling his hand and together they went into the hut to put down their bags and take off their shoes.

"I didn't see anyone else on the beach. You sure no one's gonna sneak up on us?" She had a worried look in her eyes and he walked up to kiss the pout that found its way to her lips.

"I promise."

"Okay cause these clothes are coming off." She started to strip off her shorts and shirt, then her underwear till she was standing in her birthday suit.

"I am one lucky man."

She laughed and opened the door to the cabin. "Yes you are." She said putting her hair in a bun high on her head. "Take your clothes off too, I'm not gonna be naked alone." With that she disappeared outside and took off for the water.

He joined her minutes later and ducked her underneath the waves. She squealed.

"My hair! John I didn't want it to get wet!" His answer to that was to duck her under again. They fought after that, and she started a splashing match, throwing water at him till he could barely see.

"Stop it." He warned grabbing her and pulling her under again. She tried unsuccessfully to get away from him, but his grip was too strong for her. After a while she conceded defeat.

"Okay, okay. You win. I give up." She said laughing. She was tired and didn't have it in her to struggle anymore.

"Good." He said grabbing her about the waist. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him.

"You better stop unless you want to end up naked in this sand."

"Who says that's not what I want." She said nipping at his bottom lip.

"You don't want that. It may sound romantic, but you don't want sand on certain _parts_ of your body, trust me."

She laughed and for the rest of the afternoon and early evening they both did. He was glad he came to Paris. He was glad that he'd met her even if he'd never see her again. They ate a light snack of baguette sandwiches and fruit that he'd bought for them and they sat on the porch of the cabin drinking wine and she fed him grapes and strawberries.

"These are good." He said between bites and stuck out a piece of strawberry from his mouth for her to taste. She took it into her mouth chewing on it and nodded her head.

"Yes this whole day was good. Thanks to you. Thanks for bringing me here. I had a really nice time today. I wish I could stay here and not go back. This whole trip has been….just…."

"What….?"

"It's just been so good. It's just what I needed after…"

"After what?" He turned to her and noticed she had tears in her eyes.

"Nothing." She answered, shaking her head. "I don't wanna spoil it. Let's just enjoy the rest of the night.

"Hey….." He said touching her face. "What's the matter?" She looked up at him and he knew. He just knew. She was going through the same type of pain that he was. She'd come here looking to be free of someone. Just like him. He'd felt connected to her through what they'd both been going through and had been suffering with in silence.

He wanted to comfort her, he wanted to soothe her. He wanted to make those tears that were threatening to fall just disappear right now. She didn't answer his question. She didn't seem like she wanted to break whatever spell that had been cast over them this week. She wanted to remain in their bubble; she wanted to remain in denial of what her life really was.

They were the same.

They needed the same things.

They needed each other right now.

He kissed her and felt her sigh, almost like the touch of his lips had lifted a heavy burden off her shoulders. She pulled at his shirt, grasping at him, wanting to get as lost as he was in this moment. Her mouth opened and he pushed his tongue inside seeking hers. She tasted of wine and fruit, her mouth was sweet, warm, and so inviting.

She moaned and put her hand on his chest. It ignited something in him, called to something deep inside him.

They were the same.

He needed her.

She needed him.

He wanted her.

She wanted him.

Their lips parted, but they didn't move. His lips still near hers, their faces touching. She reached up to touch his cheek.

"You're something else, John Reese." She whispered.

He didn't know what came over him, but he couldn't stop the words that came out of his mouth next.

"Lucas."

"Hmm?"

"My real name is…..John Lucas."


	5. Pulled Under

A/N This installment includes scenes from the past and present. We see what happens after John admitted his real name to Joss and we also have the much anticipated meeting between Finch and Carter. I didn't get to email everyone back who left a review for the last chapter and I'm sorry about that. But I wanted to say that I do appreciate all the feedback for the story so far. And also thanks to the anons who leave a review as well. Now on to the story. Enjoy.

* * *

MARCH 2003

"John Lucas?" Joss asked and looked at him, shocked at his admission. She gazed into his eyes, with her arms still around him and saw a feeling of panic washing over his face. She saw regret and knew immediately that he wanted to take his words back.

She could see that he felt he spoke too soon, he revealed something he shouldn't have. And now he wasn't fully prepared to deal with how carelessly he'd spoken. She didn't have time to question him at the moment however. She could hear the sound of their chartered boat in her ears and she turned her head to see the captain waving at them as he pulled up to the dock.

She got up from the porch of the cabin and went inside to get their things. Silently they both boarded, and though she knew he was uncomfortable and was deciding what to do or say next she didn't leave his side.

She didn't push him to say more, but she sat next to him on the boat and let him rest his head in her lap while she held his hand. He didn't move away, so she took that as a positive sign. Or maybe it was just his way of not wanting to alarm her before he finally bolted. When they finally got back and got off the boat, they walked slowly towards his apartment. Night had fallen and the air was strangely quiet. They got to his place and she rested their things down near the bed and turned to him.

"You want to take the shower first?" She offered and waited for him to speak.

"Let's go together." He said and she nodded. She cut the water on, making sure it wasn't too hot and it wasn't too cold. She took her slippers off, feeling the grating of sand in between her toes. She released her hair from its rubber band and let it fall to her shoulders. She watched as he took his shirt off, slowly letting it fall to the floor all the while his eyes never leaving hers. Her shorts followed suit, then her t-shirt and her bra. Piece by piece their clothing fell off until they were naked together.

They both stepped into the tub and she pulled the curtain across and for a moment she just stared at him. Little grains of sand stuck to the newly sun darkened skin of his stomach, his chest and his arms. She turned away for a moment to pull the shower head out of its fixture and she held it in her hands.

"Turn around." She told him quietly and he did. She raised the shower head, drenching his back, his arms, letting the water run over his skin. She let it wash away the tiny bits of sand that clung to him and it all landed in a pool at his feet.

"I didn't win this trip in an office raffle like I told you. But I guess you already knew that. I don't work at a Food Lion back in Virginia Beach either. I'm an attorney, a Senior Associate at a law firm, McMillan & Shane in Norfolk. I've been there for a few years and I like it."

She spun him round, running the water over his shoulders and his stomach, then she got his legs and feet.

"Close your eyes." She said right before she wet his hair and face and then his neck and ears.

"This trip is supposed to be my honeymoon believe it or not." She said running the water over herself now. "I was supposed to be married, but…he decided that, he wanted someone else instead. I caught him….cheating just two months shy of our wedding date." She felt tears sting her eyes, but she made herself go on. "It hurt, a whole lot and for a long time I tried to figure out why. I still don't understand it. I wondered if maybe I just wasn't enough, but…I've decided to move on."

He took the shower head for a moment, wetting their washcloths and lathering them with soap. He slung his over his shoulder and began to bathe her while she stood still.

"I came here to…I don't know, clear my head I guess, start fresh, start over. I guess it's better to find out now, than to have gone through with it and then find out you married the wrong person. Right?"

She turned round so he could get her back, and without meaning to, she started to cry. Her shoulders started to shake as the tear slid silently down her face and she put her hands up over her eyes, feeling ashamed for still being so emotional about what happened between her and Paul.

She felt his arms slip around her, she felt him holding her tight. She heard his voice shushing her gently and he rested his chin on her shoulder trying his best to comfort her.

* * *

John heard her voice crack as she told her story. He saw the pain in her eyes, the resolve she'd held onto for so long. She'd been strong but right now she needed someone to be strong for her. He saw her shoulders shake and he knew it had been a while since she'd allowed herself to fall apart.

And so he held her. He held her and he let her cry, let it out, get rid of it for good. She felt so tiny in his arms, so small and fragile. She needed taking care of.

"You are a very smart, beautiful, and intelligent woman. And it's not your fault that your fiancé couldn't see that. He didn't deserve you, Joss. You're better off without him."

"I keep wondering what it was that I did wrong…."

Her voice, her wonderings, it made him think of Jessica and his heart was broken. He hadn't cheated on her, but he chose his career over her time and time again.

"Trust me when I tell you he knows what he did. He realizes that he fucked up and he knows he made a mistake, Joss. But he knows that nothing he can do can take it back or make it better."

"How do you know that?" She asked turning around to face him.

"Because….because I know what it's like to be him." She looked up at him with those doe eyes of hers and he couldn't bear to have her stare at him. "My ex got married last week. And it was my fault. I loved her, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but I chose my…..work over her. Told her we couldn't be together. I told her it was better for both of us that we weren't together anymore. I told her she'd do better without me."

The towel was in his hands again, washing her shoulder blades, travelling down her arms, then onto her stomach and hips. They came back up to touch her breasts and he lingered on them, slowly until she held her hands over his on that spot. He looked at her once more.

"I made myself move on. I knew what I was doing would hurt; I was convinced I was doing the right thing, but….. "

"You still wonder what if." He nodded and knelt before her, scrubbing her legs and feet, her thighs, then in between where they met. She held onto him as his hands gently cleaned her and he stood up in front of her again.

"I know you're sorry you told me, your real name that is." She said sighing.

"A part of me is glad that I did, while a part of me knows I shouldn't have."

"Why?"

"Because my life isn't my own anymore, Joss. I can't ever have normal, as much as I may want it."

He went about washing himself, the smell of soap filling the air and his nostrils. He wished he could tell her everything. They were baring their souls to each other now. It was useless really; none of it would matter in a few days.

"The part of you that _wants_ normal wanted to tell me. You want to tell me more, but you question the wisdom in it." She said quietly. She was so perceptive it took him off guard.

He watched as she squeezed shampoo onto her head and washed her hair, rinsing, then repeating. Afterwards she put on some conditioner, smoothing it over her hair from root to tip.

"Believe me I want nothing more than to be normal. Settle down, have a family. That's not in the cards for me."

"That's what your mouth says, what your head says. But your heart believes otherwise, John."

She stepped out of the tub after rinsing her hair and wrapped a towel around herself. She stood in front of the mirror and he cut off the water, watching her moisturize and detangle her hair. The mostly straight, sometimes wavy hair that she'd had all week was now a mass of beautiful dark curls.

It fascinated him the process she was going through, he couldn't remember the last time he'd just sat or stood still watching a woman do her hair. The corners of his mouth turned up and he found himself smiling as he took in the sight before him.

She didn't say a word to him after she was done, she simply left the bathroom. After toweling himself off he found her seated in the chair by the window near the bed, staring out onto the street outside. The white towel that was wrapped around her was a great contrast to her skin which now had a honeyed glow to it from their hours spent in the sun earlier.

He walked over to her and bent to kiss her shoulder. She leaned her head back and squeezed the hands that rested lightly on her shoulders.

Why couldn't he have met her another time? Why couldn't things have been different?

* * *

MAY 2013

Reese walked up the steps to the library, and into the main room where he and Finch worked. His steps were soft on the tiled floor and he scanned the room looking for Finch and Bear. It was shortly before 7am. He rested the small box of pastries down on the table that held Finch's computers and the container that housed a medium tea and his coffee and realized no one was there.

It was a rare thing to get to the library before Harold did, he thought. Whether they had a new number or not, it seemed that this place was a safe haven for his friend and employer and he wouldn't put it past Finch to spend nights sleeping here in one of the converted rooms in the back that held a small bed and a flat screen television.

He turned in the swivel chair, glancing at the monitors and raised his cup to his lips drinking the hot beverage from it. Information flowed endlessly across the screens, every now and then a random sentence highlighted or deleted from the display. There was a continuous flow to it, Reese thought with no apparent rhyme or reason.

He took a small cheese Danish out of the pastry box and bit into it. He was about to stand at his usual spot at the window as he waited for Finch, when he saw an image flash across the screen and remain there.

Immediately recognition hit him and he was rooted to the spot, unable to move or believe who he was looking at. It was the face of a woman he hadn't seen in many years. She was older now, her hair just a little shorter, but there was no mistaking who she was.

"Joss Carter." He said aloud while information on her compiled next to her photo. Was she a new number? Was she living in New York now? Was she in danger? A million questions ran through his mind and he needed answers.

He sat back in his chair, remembering how they met, the bar in Paris, the alley they had sex in the same night. He recalled the amazing week they had together, and how in that short space of time, he grew to care about her so much. He regretted that they had to part as suddenly as they did, he regretted not ever being able to see her again.

She was a special woman, truly special. Besides Jessica, she was the only other person who had a place in his heart.

Regret washed over him yes, but now his curiosity was piqued and he needed to know why she was on Finch's radar right now.

He looked up as he heard the padding of canine feet and the familiar shifting gait of a man who limped.

It wasn't long till Bear came bounding toward him, having already picked up on his scent. The dog came to stand between his legs, resting his head on his master's knee, closing his eyes and whining in pleasure as Reese scratched him behind the ears affectionately.

Finch noted the cup of tea that Reese had brought and saw that they had similar inclinations. He had brought tea and a coffee for Reese too. He walked over to the desk and sat next to him where he saw that Reese had seen the photo of Joss.

"You have something you want to tell me, Finch?"

"I have been meaning to tell you, Mr. Reese, but I wanted more information before I did." Finch took his jacket off and rested it on the back of his chair, pulling it closer to the monitor. "Her name is Jocelyn Carter. She's 42 years old, single, never married and she lives in Virginia Beach. She's a non equity partner at McMillan & Shane, a law firm based in Norfolk, Virginia and she's been there for the better part of her law career…."

"I know who she is, Finch." He said quietly and Finch turned to face him, a curious look on his face. "What I don't know is why you're interested in her."

"Mr. Reese, she's been looking for you for the last two months. She hired a private investigator, a very good one at that and he's managed to find out that you were declared dead by the CIA in 2010. She's already been to Langley to look at your star on the wall."

"Who's the PI?" He asked, shocked by the knowledge that she'd travelled all the way to the CIA headquarters.

"Derek Chambers. I met with him last week. He's been doing a lot of digging for her. Of course most of the information on you has been redacted so he hasn't met with much success. But he had an old contact in the CIA and that's how he managed to get information on your _death_."

"Finch, if he thinks I'm dead, and if she does now too, then why did you meet with him?"

"Because after she found out you had passed away, she asked him to look for any family members you might still have."

Reese knew he had no living family members, not for some time now.

"So you told him you were…"

"I told him I was a distant uncle on your mother's side. I wanted to find out just why she was looking for you. He said she hadn't given him details or her reasons, but she'd just told him that it was urgent, a matter of life or death."

Reese was confused of her motives. Even more so, he was very curious. He hid his growing interest in seeing her and kept his face impassive.

"Life or death." He repeated and tried to reason in his mind what sort of life or death situation she could need him for.

"I'm supposed to meet with her this afternoon. We're having lunch."

"She's in New York?"

"Yes, she's been here since yesterday."

"Have you spoken to her yet?"

"Last night when she got in to confirm. Mr. Reese, how exactly do you know her? That information itself could lend to an explanation of just why she's trying to find you."

He instantly remembered the way she used to say his voice, his name dragging on her tongue. He remembered holding her at night, the beach, making out on the top of the Eiffel Tower. It may have happened a long time ago, but the moments were not forgotten.

"She's a…..really good friend, Finch."

Finch didn't answer, but the look on his face indicated that he understood just how good a friend she had been.

"I'm going with you to this lunch meeting."

"Mr. Reese she believes you're dead. I think we need to be as cautious as possible. We don't know why she's really looking for you or who she could be working for."

"Which is why I'm going to lurk like I always do. It'll be fine."

* * *

MARCH 2003

The evening had been quiet, for the most part after they got back from the beach. John had fixed them a light dinner and they ate silently. He seemed unsure of himself, he seemed like there was a lot more that he had to say, but couldn't.

From the first time she met him she knew he was the sort to hold things closely, to not let go. But she guessed that because of his '_work'_ he wouldn't allow himself too. Maybe it was easier for him this way, not allowing people in, not allowing himself to feel. But she couldn't imagine living a life where you had ties to absolutely no one. It didn't seem like much of a life to her. Something like that was just a mere existence, nothing more.

She knew she couldn't force him and she wouldn't. But she couldn't help feeling that they had so much in common right now. They were two broken people needing to move on. Needing to move past hurt and they had no idea just how to do that.

And he looked at her like he wanted to pour himself into her. But he wouldn't speak.

Later they sat together on the bed watching a movie and lying in each other's arms. He was holding her tight again and she fell asleep before it was over.

She woke up in the middle of the night with his hands on her and he was whispering in her ear. She immediately responded to him, her body already familiar with his touch. His hands moved over her stomach, softly and he bent down to kiss her. His mouth was urgent, seeking and his tongue dipped in and out to play with hers.

She reached up to run her fingers through his hair, pulling him by the neck. His hands moved lower over her stomach, then lower still till it rested on her Mons. She drew her knees up; her hips rocking side to side as his fingers played over her.

His mouth was on her neck planting soft kisses there.

"Joss…" he hissed out her name before kissing her again and when his lips left hers, he threw the covers off of them. He moved over her, sliding down between her legs and drew her knees up and open.

She felt his breath on her as he kissed at the insides of her thighs. He licked her opening, flicking his tongue over her, and she buried the back of her head into the pillow. It was so soft, drawn out, and he built her excitement slowly but powerfully, with the most precise movements, till she finally spiraled out of control. He drew her orgasm out, taking his time and she came hard on his tongue.

Afterwards, he lay atop her, hovering, looking down at her. She knew he wanted to speak, wanted to say something, but yet again he couldn't. She pulled him closer for a kiss, deeply, her tongue bidding his to speak. But not with words, with actions that she'd know what he wanted to say. She pressed his lips to her breast.

Speak to me, she thought. Tell me what you can't say. He picked up on her cue. Laving her nipple under his tongue, then the other. He touched her softly, pressing his lips everywhere, where they told her he wished things could be different. Letting her know that he cared about her, so much.

She ran her hands along his back, scraping her nails over his flesh, marking him to let him know that she cared about him too. She ran her toes along the back of his calves, the heels of her feet along his thighs and back. She felt his cock when it dragged over her thigh, heavy and hard as it touched her skin. He got up briefly to get protection and hovered over her again after he'd discarded the wrapper.

He raised her knees up, wrapping her legs around him, touching her face while he slowly slid himself inside.

She gasped and held tightly onto him, needing him so much right now. He moved slowly inside her, drawing his strokes out, making them deep. Their lovemaking was normally hot, passionate and urgent, but this time he took her slowly, gently pressing himself into her over and over again.

She heard him moan, she heard his breath catch softly in his throat and she kissed him, over and over again. She bucked into him feeling that she was close, her grip on him tighter.

They came hard, almost together and she felt everything being pulled out of her, just as she felt he was pouring himself into her.

He whispered her name over and over while she murmured his in response.

"Joss, I…..I just…" He was overwhelmed as much as she was and she silenced him with her mouth, rolling over until she was on top of him.

They made love again, holding each other, needing each other and afterwards she was tired and about to drift off to sleep again.

"I wish things could be different, Joss." She heard him say while he softly stroked her back.

"So do I, John. So do I." She whispered back.

She didn't say anything more and they drifted back to sleep. When she woke up the next morning he was gone, but she saw a note he'd left saying he had some things to tend to in Rouen, which she knew was about an hour away. He told her he wanted to see her later for dinner and left the address of a restaurant where he wanted to meet up. She took a quick shower and got dressed and headed back to the hotel.

* * *

MAY 2013

Joss checked herself out in the mirror of her hotel room. She was meeting Harold Wren, this uncle of John's in a half hour. She decided on a simple tailored camel coloured shift dress from Karen Miller with an asymmetrical neckline and short sleeves. She paired them with black high heeled shoes. She didn't know why she felt the need to impress this man so much, after all she hadn't met him yet, but she found herself looking for flaws in her makeup and outfit that weren't even there.

She finally left the hotel and hopped into the back of a taxi. After leaving countless messages on his voice mail at Universal Heritage Insurance, she'd finally gotten an answer from him when she got in last night. She wondered why John's uncle had been so elusive when she'd tried reaching him.

She sat in the restaurant waiting for him and put her clutch on the table looking around. The place was nice, very upscale, with very nice décor. There were a few patrons there, already eating, in the middle of lunch, enjoying each other's company.

It wasn't long before she saw an older gentleman of average height walk in. She studied him as he looked around while talking to the maitre d. She'd told him earlier to have him brought to her table when he arrived and he walked over, she realized he favoured his left leg. He was limping and she was curious as to how he was originally hurt.

She got up to greet him with a smile on her face, one that he returned.

"Mr. Wren?" She asked extending her hand and he took it, giving her a firm handshake.

"Yes, and you must be Ms. Carter." She nodded and they both sat together.

She watched him curiously and she made it a point to make small talk with him before she told him why she was looking for John. No doubt he wanted to delve into that right away, but for now she was treating him as she would a potential client at her law firm.

She decided to feel him out.

She asked him questions about John, things that he would know as an uncle. He answered them well enough, but there was something about the way he responded to her questions that unsettled her. It was almost as if he was just spitting out facts and not sharing actual memories.

She smiled at him as it dawned on her.

This wasn't John's uncle at all.

"So Ms. Carter, why are you looking for John and his family?"

She held her hands together in front of her, resting her elbows on the table. "I'd tell you that, Mr. Wren, but you're not John's uncle are you?"

* * *

Reese sat a few tables down from where Joss was. Finch had told him where they were meeting and he got there a few minutes before she did. He watched her walk in and took in the sight of her as she was taken to her table.

She was just as beautiful as she was ten years ago, maybe even more so. Her hair was a little shorter. Her features changed a little with age, but she looked more refined, exquisite and there was an extra air of confidence and self awareness in her step.

She was everything he remembered and more. Her curves were pronounced in the dress she wore; the colour suited her skin tone well. Her skin…her skin was begging to be touched. He closed his eyes briefly imagining the smell of her perfume and wondered if she used the same floral fragrance she used before.

Finch walked in about seven minutes after she did, his penchant for being on time not forgotten. She got up and greeted him with a handshake and Reese noticed the swell of her butt against the fabric of her dress as she reached out.

He sipped on his tonic water as he watched them. He listened as she grilled him expertly, trying to determine who Finch was. So far he hadn't gotten her to reveal anything and he could tell that Finch wasn't used to not being in control of a conversation.

He shook his head and smiled as he heard her tell Finch ever so coolly that she didn't believe he was his uncle.

"Always intuitive, Joss." At least that trait hadn't changed, if anything it'd gotten better. Within just ten minutes of conversation with him and she'd spotted a fake. She'd hadn't gotten to partner in her law firm on slack, he thought.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean, Ms. Carter." Finch said.

"You've presented yourself well Mr. Wren, but something's just not right about you, or your story about being John's uncle. So tell me, who are you?"

"I don't understand."

"Who are you working for, Mr. Wren? How do you know John?"

Finch picked up his tea, sipping on it. It was a bad move and she caught it. It was the classic move of a guilty person who was trying to find a good answer to a damning question.

"John's still alive isn't he? Where is he?"

He heard the desperation in her voice, she wasn't about to let up.

"Ms. Carter, I can assure you, John Lucas _is_ dead."

"You won't give me answers, but I _will_ get them, Mr. Wren. One way or the other." He watched as she pushed her chair out and left the table. He got up as well walking up to Finch who was still seated and paused in front of him.

He had a regretful look on his face. But underneath it was a brief glimpse of admiration that she'd shown herself to be quite intelligent, impressive even.

"It's okay Finch. I'll take it from here."

* * *

MARCH 2003

**Friday night 7pm**

Joss walked into the restaurant where she was supposed to meet John and she was greeted by the owner as soon as she got in the door a tall older lady with kind eyes who introduced herself as Adele. He'd called ahead and made arrangements for them to have the back hall to themselves and she followed as Adele led her through a long winding hallway till they got to what looked like an old ballroom.

There was marble tile on the floor and tall marble columns throughout. There was a lone table in the middle of the room set for two. The floor was lined throughout with candles and the room was very dimly lit. It was very cozy and romantic and must have taken some time to set up. There was a cart next to the table where champagne was cooling and there was a tray of fruit next to it.

"Please, sit down. Mr. Reese said this was all for a very special lady. He wanted you to have a drink of champagne before he got here. He's running a little late coming back from Rouen, he said." She poured her a glass of champagne and Joss took a sip.

"This is delicious. Thank you so much."

"Enjoy. Have some fruit. The strawberries are very sweet."

"Okay." She said biting into one. "You're right, these are sweet."

"So nice to meet you. Now I see why Mr. Reese's eyes light up when he spoke of you."

She promised to be back soon and walked out of the room.

_So his eyes lit up when he talked about her, huh?_ Picturing that brought a smile to her face. She sat back in the chair, crossing her legs and waited.

* * *

John walked out of his apartment and locked the door behind him. He was more than late getting to the restaurant to meet Joss and he hated having her there alone.

He heard footsteps behind him and turned round quickly.

"Getting soft there, lover." Said Kara with an evil grin. "Took you a full minute to realize I was here. I'd say you've rested enough. Vacation's over." She thrust a suppressed PPK with a silencer on the end into his hands.

"What is this?"

"I picked up Madison this week. He's supposed to meet his partner in the city in fifteen minutes. You and I are going to get him and we're taking him to London right afterwards. Come on."

She moved away from the door and opened a van across the street. He thought of Joss, alone in the restaurant waiting for him. He thought of the disappointment she'd feel, then later the hurt and embarrassment that would set in. He'd never get the chance to say goodbye to her, he thought as he jumped into the van with Kara.

His vacation, this brief slice of normal, was really over.

* * *

Joss sat alone in the room waiting for John as the minutes ticked by. Soon the ice was melting, the champagne started to get warm and she couldn't eat another strawberry. Adele came back saying he must have gotten held up wherever he was. She offered to bring her meal, but she still wanted to wait. Sadly, John never came.

After a little over an hour with no call and no sight of him, she left, heading over to his place but he wasn't there. She felt stupid.

She went back to the hotel and decided to look for him the next day. When she got there early Saturday morning, the door of his apartment was open but while there were two ladies from a cleaning service, he was nowhere to be found. They stripped the bed of its sheets, closed up his windows and they were taking all of his groceries out of his fridge and cupboards. None of them knew where he was and from how they were cleaning up his apartment it didn't look like he was coming back.

She wanted to go back to the bar where they met and ask for him, but realized that would be futile. She felt tears sting her eyes, realizing that he was gone. For whatever reason he left, he hadn't felt the need to say goodbye.

She stood in the street looking around at the people passing through, the smell of spices from a  
West Indian restaurant nearby filled the air and she could hear children's' laughter from around the corner.

It was Paul all over again. Tricking her, leaving her, once more.

It had only been a week right? She thought. It was only supposed to be a week of fun. She didn't care that he was gone. She knew after this week was over she'd never see him again, what did it matter that he left without giving her the chance to see him one more time?

She took a deep breath and headed back to her hotel, putting her bag down and sat on the bed. She cut the TV on and turned the volume all the way up. It was her attempt to drown out the questions and voices that swirled around in her head.

* * *

MAY 2013

Joss sat in a small café around the corner of her hotel finishing off her meal and drinking her coffee. She was mildly annoyed, and more than a little upset that her meeting with Harold Wren hadn't gone the way she'd planned.

Still it wasn't totally useless she thought. At least she realized now that things were not as they seemed. Maybe John wasn't really dead after all. If this guy could lie about being John's uncle, maybe his death could also be a lie. But if the government had claimed him deceased, maybe this Wren guy had something to do with it.

Just how deep did this rabbit hole go? She wondered as she paid her bill and left.

If someone could cook up a whole death, made sure someone got a star on the Memorial Wall at the CIA headquarters at Langley, that meant whatever John's _work_ was, it was the most secretive, probably most dangerous type.

Maybe if he was alive, he didn't want to be found.

She got off the elevator on her floor back at the hotel, wondering now if she should give up. Her mother was the only one who knew she had started looking. It wasn't too late.

She let herself inside her room, bolting the door behind her. She stopped in her tracks as she saw someone was in her room. He was tall and he stood by the sliding door looking out. The light coming through the window at the back of him prevented her from getting a good look at his face and he turned in her direction.

She backed up slowly as he walked toward her. She fumbled with the lock on the door, but finally got it open when he put his hand over hers barring her from opening the door. She panicked and closed her eyes tightly, horrified at what he might do to her.

"What's the matter, Joss?" She heard him ask softly. "Don't you remember me?"


	6. In Those Genes

A/N This chapter we finally get a present day conversation between Joss and John. We also find out just why she was looking for him. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

"What's the matter Joss? Don't you remember me?"

The voice was low, deep, and raspy in her ear. And though it had been over a decade ago, she still recognized it. But it couldn't be, could it? She turned round, flicking the light switch on quickly, the stark light finally bringing the stranger's features into focus.

It hit her hard; it hit her fast like a speeding train. Her heart was beating faster than it had earlier when she thought she was about to be assaulted.

"John?" She asked in shock and she straightened up, her back flattened against the hard room door.

"You look like you've seen a ghost."

She felt like she was in fact looking at one. She looked at his face, studying his features. Not much had changed. He was incredibly gorgeous when he was younger, now he seemed even more so if that was even possible. He had the same piercing eyes, the same cheekbones, but now it seemed he'd truly grown into his looks. The lines were deeper around his eyes, his mouth, but they only served to enhance his features and not detract from them.

His face was a bit grimmer. When they'd first met he seemed more open, more apt to smile or laugh, but now it seemed the years had changed his personality somewhat. He seemed even more guarded, more reserved, more cautious than before.

What had changed him?

Where had he been? That was the better question. After he left her in Paris, he'd basically disappeared off of the face of the earth without looking back once. She felt the unwelcome sting of rejection rising up inside her again. The feeling she thought she'd dealt with years ago or at least had buried it deep enough for it not to ever resurface again was coming back and quickly.

This was no time to act like a jilted lover, she told herself.

She felt herself growing angry and she pushed at his chest, causing him to stumble backwards.

"They told me you were dead. Derek said you were dead. I saw your name…..I saw your star on the wall…at the CIA headquarters, John…"

"About that….."

"And that man, Harold Wren…..he said he was your uncle. I knew something was off almost as soon as we started talking." She walked past him and sat down on the bed, still not quite believing that they were finally in a room together after ten long years.

"No, he's not my uncle." He said sitting next to her. "But he was just as curious as I was about why you chose to look for me after ten years of us not seeing each other."

She shook her head and smiled, taking a deep breath.

"This isn't the first time I've tried to find you." She said looking into his eyes. Why'd she have to go and do that? She thought, feeling almost like she was under a spell gazing into their blue depths.

"You've looked for me before?" He seemed surprised, taken aback.

"Yes, I did. A few months after I got back to Virginia after my _honeymoon_ trip to Paris. This is the closest I've ever gotten though."

* * *

MAY 2003

"Glen McCartney is coming to the office in about ten minutes with the settlement that's been drawn up for the Peterson case. Then at noon there's the meeting with Susan Henderson – "

"What does she want again?" Asked Joss as she walked side by side with her assistant Jeanine on the way back to her office. She felt her stomach lurch for the second time for the morning and put a hand over her mouth. She wasn't sure what was going on with her. She was nauseous all week and she'd been feeling sluggish for the past three days. Right now she felt as if she was ready to throw up. She started taking off her jacket. "Did they cut the air up in here or something JJ? It's a little warm, don't you think?" She stopped, looking around.

The short quirky young lady looked up at her through her thick glasses and slowly shook her head eyeing Joss quizzically. They continued their journey along the long corridor while Jeanine continued to fill her in on her schedule for the day. They finally got to her office and she sat down heavily in her chair.

"Stop, JJ. Just- for one minute." She leaned back into her chair and closed her eyes.

"Are you okay, Ms. Carter?"

She was about to dismiss Jeanine's concerns when she felt another lurch in her stomach and got up, intending to head for the bathroom, but as soon as she stood to her feet she knew she wouldn't make it.

She found the nearest trash bin and emptied the contents of her stomach into it. She wretched for a good minute before she was done. It offered her a little relief but it lasted only temporarily. She held it off as best as she could, but the nausea came back and during her meeting with Glen McCartney she had to excuse herself so she could throw up again. Joss had been in the bathroom so long, Jeanine eventually came looking for her. She was grateful that she came to check on her and asked her for some water.

As she sat on the counter in the bathroom drinking it, hoping it'd settled her stomach, she wondered just what could be wrong.

"Ms. Carter, you wouldn't happen to have anything to tell me, would you? Some big announcement maybe?" She tried to laugh at Jeanine's attempt at humor. She had to be joking. There's no way she could possibly be pregnant.

But she put the cup down in horror realizing that she hadn't had a period since before she went to Paris - two months ago. She got up from the counter, pacing the bathroom. She and John had used protection. She remembered the condoms. They'd been careful. They'd used them each time they'd been together.

_**Except for in the alley the first night right after they left the bar!**_

"Oh my God." She whispered with a hand to her mouth. How could she have been so stupid? So careless? She was so caught up with her feelings about Paul, she'd had too much to drink and she wasn't thinking.

"Ms. Carter….I was just…."

"JJ, I need you to clear my schedule for the rest of the day. I have something to take care of."

An hour later she sat in her doctor's office, fidgeting with her hands and waiting for him to come back and tell her that she wasn't pregnant. She wanted him to tell her that she had a bug of some sort, something was going around and everyone had it. She wanted him to tell her that she had anything, besides a baby growing inside her.

She felt herself start to panic, she felt herself starting to get sick again. She couldn't be pregnant for a man when she had no idea where he was or how to find him.

But her fears were realized as the tests came back positive. She heard Dr. Sands say congratulations, she felt him squeeze her shoulder, she heard him go on about how she'd have to choose a good OBGYN now and gave her some information on her options.

Suddenly there were options.

A few short months ago, she was going to be a wife. She'd been prepared for that. Now she was going to be a mother. She wasn't prepared for it at all.

"If this isn't the right time for you, Jocelyn, we can always explore…"

"I'm going to keep it." She said. The words left her mouth and as soon as her ears heard them, she felt herself grow calm. "I want the baby." She said and she realized, she truly meant it.

She had a lot of explaining to do. Paul had spotted her after she started to show and accused her of the most God awful things. She'd been upset with him for cheating and now here she was pregnant straight out of the relationship. He didn't believe that she hadn't been involved with someone else while they were together.

Her mother was curious about who the father was including her older sister Donna. She'd been honest with the both of them telling them about her chance meeting with a man in Paris and she told them what little she knew about him which wasn't much.

They were both shocked that she'd had a fling with a strange man in another country since it was so unlike her, but she was grateful that neither of them were judgmental and offered her as much support as she needed.

She called around to a few of the military offices trying to find John, the army, the navy, the marines, none of them knew about a John Reese or a John Lucas. No one reported him ever enlisting. She reached dead ends where ever she looked.

She hired a private investigator too, but he'd come up short. There were no leads, nothing that could help her find John to tell him that he was about to become a father. So she prepared to become a single mother.

At her eighth month, the second bedroom at her condo had been successfully converted to a nursery, she'd already learned what she was having and she was ready to meet her baby.

She stood looking at her naked body in the mirror in her bed room one day really close to the time of delivery. Her sister was staying with her so she could be with her when the time came and happened to walk in as she was studying herself.

"Girl put some clothes on. Nobody wants to see your naked butt first thing in the morning."

She ignored her sister's words, her hands on her stomach. It was huge now and hanging low. She dragged her fingers along the dark line that ran through it.

"This is the only time I get to see my coochie anymore." She joked. "This child has made it disappear."

"You'll see it soon enough. I have a feeling it's gonna be here before Christmas."

"It better be. I don't want to spend Christmas day in the hospital." Donna walked up to her and put her hand on her belly. She looked up at her, resting her hand over her sister's and started to tear up.

"I'm a little scared, Donna."

"Don't be. I'll be right there with you, the whole time, holding your hand. You're going to be a great mother. I know it."

She started to cry and laugh at the same time and Donna put her arm around her shoulder.

"You do need to get dressed though, it's cold, and I don't want you to get sick. Let me get something for you to put on."

Donna turned away and she looked in the mirror one last time before she had to obey her sister's command.

"John, where are you?" She whispered to herself.

Then it happened suddenly. Her water broke right then as she was staring at herself. She felt a light trickling down her leg and called out for Donna.

It was time.

She spent 6 hours in labour. A few of her family members came to support her and wait. Her mother and Donna took turns in the room with her, but Donna stayed during the last part of the delivery, holding her hand, rubbing her back, wiping the sweat from her brow and coaching her when the pain was too much since she hadn't wanted an epidural.

The pain was forgotten at the end of it all once they placed her baby in her arms. A beautiful baby girl who weighed 8lbs. 7ounces. She cried as she entered the world, letting everyone know that not only was she healthy, but she came to take over.

Joss looked at her after they cleaned her off and wrapped her in a blanket. In the soft light of the room she talked softly to her, coaxing her to open her eyes.

"Come on; open your eyes for mommy. Let me see those eyes."

Almost as if she'd heard her, her daughter's tightly shut eyes opened and Joss gasped as John's eyes stared back at her. They were the same almost translucent blue shade of his and they were fixed intensely on Joss.

"Oh my goodness, Jossy. She's so beautiful." Said Donna.

"I'm proud of you, Jocelyn." Said her mother, Evelyn. "You did good."

"Thank you mom." Joss said, never taking her eyes off of her new daughter.

"What are you going to name her?" Asked her mother.

"Her name's gonna be Jourdan." She said quietly with a smile and tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Jourdan?" Asked Donna.

"Yeah. Jourdan Sidney Carter."

* * *

CHRISTMAS DAY 2003

_Paris, France_

The snow was falling rapidly on the ground blanketing everything in sheets of white powder. Coloured lights illuminated the streets and the faint sound of holiday music was playing.

It was Christmas somewhere, John thought. At least for other people.

Not for him.

Instead of gifts to open, family to share it with, he and Kara were in a van, on their way to Rouen to intercept the sale and purchase of nuclear launch codes. They weren't planning on spending any time in Paris, they were simply passing through.

This was his first time back in the city since he'd been here earlier in March. The week he'd met Joss. He mused often of their week together, one that was cut short way too soon. He'd been so taken with her, she'd gotten under his skin, so much that he'd recklessly given her his real name.

He was a real person with her for those few days. He sometimes liked to pretend he'd halfway fallen in love with her that week. It was the explanation he gave himself for why even after all these months he hadn't been able to forget her.

His biggest regret was not saying goodbye. He imagined her face after realizing he wasn't gonna show up and apologized in his mind a million times.

He gazed out at the city that had been the source of so many happy memories for him as they moved closer and closer to Rouen.

"Merry Christmas, Joss."

* * *

CHRISTMAS DAY

_Norfolk, VA_

"Jocelyn, come and get something to eat." She could hear her mother's voice calling from the doorway as she leaned over the crib mesmerized by the mere fact that baby Jourdan was sleeping. She loved to watch her chest rise and fall as she breathed. Everything about her was precious, special, amazing.

"I'll be right out, mom."

She heard footsteps behind her and soon her mother stood at her side looking over on her granddaughter too.

"She's got a little errant strand here that just won't stay down." Evelyn said stroking Jourdan's tiny cowlick.

"She got it from her father." Joss said quietly.

"Come on, food's getting cold." Said her mother and walked to the door. "You need to eat and sleep while she does. Newborns are unpredictable you know." And with that she disappeared out of the room.

She glanced at Jourdan once more before dimming the lights and checking the baby monitor.

"Merry Christmas, John. Where ever you are."

* * *

MAY 2013

John watched as a myriad of emotions played across her face. She exhibited relief first that she wasn't about to be killed, shock that she was finally face to face with him and he wasn't actually dead, a brief bit of anger and then he saw the familiar look of nostalgia as she studied him, remembering their time in Paris.

Just like he had the moment her photo showed up on Finch's computer in the library. She was comparing how he looked now versus how he looked back then just like he had with her. She was reeling he knew, trying to get a handle on her emotions, her thoughts and because of that he wasn't completely shocked when she pushed against his chest once things started to set in.

She sat on the bed, still a little shaken and he sat next to her, hoping his presence next to her would help soothe her somehow.

He wanted answers however and after she said this last attempt wasn't her first in trying to find him he grew increasingly curious.

"I hired someone to find you almost as soon as I got back home, about two months after. I tried every government agency, and I guess the PI I hired at the time wasn't half as good as the one I hired this time…."

"Derek Chambers." He finished for her and she looked at him, wondering first then guessing that Wren must have told him everything.

"Yeah. He had a few connections, people in high places who tipped him off on a few things. But even though he was more successful than….just why is the government saying that you're dead? Just what is it that you do for a living?"

"It's complicated, Joss. Along with a lot of other things in my life right now."

"Was it as complicated as you walking out on me without saying goodbye?" The look in her eyes told him that the pain she felt in that moment had never fully gone away. He saw rejection, he saw anger, and he saw hurt on her face and he felt awful for being the cause of it.

He hung his head down when she finally looked away.

He remembered holding her in the shower after she admitted just what had brought her to Paris. He remembered her breaking down when she told him how her fiancé had cheated on her. She must have felt his abrupt departure was a sharp twisting of the dagger that was already in her chest.

In addition to being a bastard to Jessica, he'd wound up hurting her too in the end. In a way that was almost parallel.

He reached out hesitantly taking her hand into his. "I'm sorry, Joss. I'm sorry I left without a word. If I could take it back I would. I would have done it differently, because you deserved better."

"What happened? Did you leave because of me or…?"

"There was nothing you did wrong." He reassured her. "It had nothing to do with you. Something came up at the last minute and I had no choice about it. I had to go."

"John, it's been ten years. There's no need for you to keep it a secret anymore, unless you're lying about it being because of me."

She was right. He owed it to her. He didn't have to give her the details, but he could offer her something.

"I was there in Paris on leave for the week. I was supposed to stay until Sunday. Friday night I left my apartment, and I was on my way to meet you, but I was met by my partner instead. We had a new assignment in the city. It was taking place shortly after so I only had enough time to get in the van and leave with her."

"When it was over, why didn't you come and talk to me? Why didn't you come and find me? I would have….."

"I couldn't." He insisted. "Immediately after, we went to London where we spent the next four days." He left out the fact that the next four days were spent exhaustively questioning and working over both Madison and his partner for information.

She nodded her head slowly, closing her eyes.

"I thought that you ran because of what we shared. You…told me your real name, I told you about Paul….and I felt that we….connected you know, that night…..that whole week we…..I thought you just ran because it was too much for you."

"Joss, that week was…amaz-" He was getting distracted he realized, he was getting caught up in something that was over long ago. Except that for some reason, being near her again was conjuring up a lot of memories for him. Memories that he thought he had left behind.

"Are you ready to tell me why you've been looking for me, Joss?"

She was quiet as she pulled her hand away and fidgeted with them in her lap.

"I found out two months after I got home… that I was pregnant."

"Pregnant?" He asked looking at her as she moved off of the bed beside him. She started to walk across the room, her arms folded in front of her.

"Yes, pregnant."

"Your fiancé…."

She shook her head, almost as if she was expecting him to say it. "I hadn't been with Paul long before I got to Paris."

"But we used protection. We…." He walked over to her standing next to her by the window.

"We did, every time, _except_ for in the alley right after we left the bar." She said turning round to face him. "We can have a DNA test done to prove that you're the father, which I'm sure you'll want. But she's yours. She looks exactly like you, John." She said softly. "Some of the things she does, says…."

He wasn't sure how to react. He wasn't sure what to feel. He watched the look of affection on her face as she spoke of the child. The child who would be nine years old if she'd had her late that year.

He felt completely overwhelmed. He hadn't known what to expect when he got to her hotel room. He hadn't expected to be told he was a father.

"I know it's a lot to accept in just one moment."

"You told the PI that it was a matter of life and death. Is she sick or…"

"No she isn't. She's perfectly healthy. But she's been asking about her father for the past two years. _Mom who's my_ _father? Where is he? Mom_ _when can I see my_ _daddy?_ I've never been able to deny her anything, except having her own father in her life. This year I finally decided to look again. And after Derek said you were dead, I didn't want to have to tell her you were gone. I wanted to see if I could find some family member, even some distant relative, so at the very least she'd know or…..have some sort of contact with someone who knew you."

Ten years.

He'd been living, working, travelling the world, without the knowledge that there was a child out there somewhere that could possibly be his.

He'd always wanted a family. Knew he could never have one.

He remembered holding Shannon in his arms in the park with Bear. Listening to her talk about Prince Albert.

What stories could this child tell him? How would it feel to hold her in his arms?

"I have some photos of her. Would you like to see them?" She looked at him nervously not sure if he'd say yes.

He was as nervous as she was, he realized. He nodded his head and she got her purse off the bed and pulled out a few photos handing them to him.

She was right, she looked just like him. She had the same cheekbones, straight nose but she had her mother's pout. Her eyes were the same shade blue as his, her lashes long and thick and in the photos where she wasn't laughing or smiling, she had his same intense gaze and focus. Her hair was long and straight, and he couldn't believe she'd inherited his ridiculous cowlick.

She was absolutely adorable.

She was slim; he noticed and was also tall for her age. A photo of her and Joss together showed she stood just a little past Joss's shoulders. He tried to keep his face straight as he leafed through them but he could barely contain the rapid interest in knowing this girl that had already begun. He ran a finger across the surface of the photo, staring long into her eyes.

"She's beautiful isn't she? She's a great student. On the honour roll at school."

"She plays soccer." He said aloud looking at the photo of her on the field with her team mates.

"She loves it."

He nodded as he handed the photos back to her. "What's her name?"

"Jourdan. I named her Jourdan."

"It's a beautiful name." He said meeting her eyes finally.

"John….."

"She's beautiful, Joss."

* * *

Finch sat in the library watching the water droplets from the rain outside slide down the window pane. It had started raining as soon as he got back from the restaurant. Bear was beside him, lying at his feet on his bed, a chew toy of his commanding his attention at the moment.

Finch took his glasses off his face as he recalled the conversation with Ms. Carter. She'd seen right through him, almost from the beginning he deduced. She was incredibly shrewd, insightful and he found himself admiring that. Still even though her intuition brought a smile to his face, the story she told Mr. Reese when he was in her room back at her hotel did not.

He listened with empathy as she spoke of being left behind to pick up the pieces. He heard her difficulty with trying to put her life back together after he left with no explanation and he guessed that she felt much the same as Grace did, maybe not abandoned. But surely she was confused, and very much lost for a long while after.

Then to have found out that she was pregnant and wasn't able to find her baby's father made it all the worse.

He knew the complications having a child could bring to Mr. Reese, to their work. He also knew that having a family was something John had always wanted. He put his glasses back on as he heard footsteps on the staircase and Reese soon appeared. The look on his face when he came toward him spoke volumes of how the news had affected him.

He watched John put his coat on the rack behind him and he silently took a seat next to him at his desk.

John was well aware that he heard everything; the story, his apologies, her fears and their discussion of paternity tests so he didn't have to give him any details. He reached into his pocket and set a photo down in front of them. She'd given him one to keep.

Finch looked at the girl, and knew, just like John had without any tests taken, that it was his child.

He said nothing, simply nodded his head.

"That's my daughter, Finch."


	7. Guess Who

A/N In this chapter, Joss is feeling vulnerable, John is a little nostalgic and we meet two new characters. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing you see here.

* * *

He couldn't sleep.

Normally he battled bouts of insomnia from time to time. Images of his past would plague him. Sometimes images of the present.

He'd see Jessica before his eyes. Their last days in Mexico, her screaming that he was a coward when he told her they were over. The time they bumped into each other at the airport.

He'd see a number pop up before his eyes, tears falling as they felt the fear of someone trying to kill them, or relief that the threat was finally gone.

Sometimes there just wasn't an end to it to the scenes that played before his mind's eye.

Tonight Reese was tossing and turning for another reason. Tonight he thought about a nine year old girl with long dark hair, high cheekbones and eyes like his. He wondered what it would be like to stare into them.

Would she know him if she saw him? Would she recognize him as her father? Would she know by instinct that she was his own?

Joss was leaving tomorrow. She was heading back to Norfolk in the morning. She'd send Jourdan's DNA samples to a lab here in New York and he'd submit his to be tested. She wanted him to be sure of his paternity before he saw her. He'd agreed, he'd said yes, but the more he stared at her photo the more he longed to see her.

He didn't feel like he could wait.

He forgot about the risks. He forgot about how complicated his life was. He became consumed by curiosity about her and he couldn't stop it.

He wanted to know everything there was to know about her. Did she listen to music? What books did she like to read?

He wondered about the sound of her voice.

He wondered what she'd think of him. He sat up in bed feeling like he was coming out of his own skin, like he was dying of anticipation. He got up and walked over to the window.

Looking out over the city below him took him back to Paris, moments from that week that he'd never forget.

* * *

MARCH 2003

"Are you always this frisky?" She asked smiling down at him. They were both out of breath having spent the better part of the morning in bed, but still he held her in his embrace not wanting to let go. She laid atop him her, arms cradled around his neck, and his hands trailed over her naked back.

"I've been missing the touch…of a good woman." He drawled in between kisses to her face and neck.

She crushed her mouth onto his, running her fingers through his hair. She felt giddy, alive, excited. She didn't know what it was about him, and like him she couldn't get enough. She shifted a little and he finally slid out of her. She rolled over, leaving his embrace and lying on her back, and he got up to walk to the bathroom and she heard the sound of the faucet and running water.

She closed her eyes for a bit, thinking they'd get out of bed soon and get ready to go out. She threw the sheets off of her and started to get up, but he came back to lay beside her and captured her lips under his own once again.

"Where do you think you're going?" He asked, murmuring the words against her mouth. She couldn't answer. His tongue was in her mouth and he was kissing her senseless while his hands travelled between her legs.

"John, we're supposed to go the Louvre today. Remember?" She moaned as his lips found her nipple.

"Yes….I do….we'll get there eventually. I promise." He was ready for her again and she felt the hardness of him pressed into her thigh. They _did_ eventually make it there, but at the moment the only thing on her mind was how good his tongue felt on her skin. She tilted her head back and surrendered to him once more. It had become so easy, so natural to become wrapped up in him. She found that she couldn't get enough of it.

She would miss this.

She would miss him.

What would she do when it was time to go home? She thought. How would she bear it?

* * *

PRESENT DAY – 2013

The numbers on the digital clock on the night stand near the hotel bed said it was after 2am. Its bright numbers illuminated the room in its red light.

She'd already spoken to her mom and Jourdan had already been sent off to bed earlier that evening. She couldn't imagine who could be calling at this hour.

"Hello?" She said softly into the phone silencing the ringer.

"I woke you." John's voice on the other end of the line sounded mildly apologetic, but mostly relieved that she had answered.

"John…it's late…."

"I know…I just….."

She waited for him to finish. He sounded completely alert almost as if he hadn't been sleeping at all. She guessed he had a lot on his mind, she could totally understand that keeping him up.

"You what, John?"

"I was thinking about the first time I saw you. You walked into the bar with that dress, your hair flowing, not quite sure if you wanted to stay or not."

"I was so scared. I was alone in a foreign country and I didn't know anybody. I just wanted to have some fun. Didn't want to stay in the hotel all night by myself. But I didn't know a word of French!"

"Thank goodness you didn't. I was trying to figure out a way to talk to you."

"You were not." She said laughing. "You just came to the bar to get another drink."

"I had a table. I had a waitress who was refilling my drink order whenever I called. I had no reason to go to the bar except to get a better look at you."

Hearing him recall their first meeting made her smile. "I was that fine, huh?" She teased.

"You _know_ you were." He said. "There was something about you from the very beginning."

"You were such a flirt."

"Was I now?"

"Yes! And I remember telling you too. You were playing the game well."

"It wasn't a game."

"Yes it was. Ordering my drink for me in French, inviting me to your table, then charming me for the entire evening. You played your cards right."

"I do recall you being a bit of a flirt yourself. You were checking me out too."

"I was. I'll admit it. I was curious about those eyes, those cheekbones….."

"Stop it."

"….who was this tall fine man who just happened to be in this bar the same time I was? Whatever you were doing it was working. No wonder we couldn't wait to get to your apartment."

"Now don't go blaming that alleyway on me. That was all your fault."

"How was it my fault?" she was sitting up in bed now, leaning against the headboard amazed by the fact that they weren't talking like two people who hadn't seen or spoken to each other in ten years.

"You're the one who insisted I kiss you right then and there."

"Well truth be told, I was getting cold feet. If I hadn't told you to kiss me, I might not have gone through with it."

They were silent just then and for a minute she was caught up in memories of their passionate coupling that night. The way she held onto him, how he pounded into her slamming her against the wall. His lips on her skin, on her mouth. She felt a stirring and she wondered if he remembered how good they were together.

He had to, she thought.

"Do you remember the top of the Eiffel Tower, our day at the market and….."

"…the private beach? Yes I do." She said laughing low in her throat. "You wet my hair that day. You wouldn't stop dunking me under."

"No. I recall you starting a splashing match, and you wouldn't stop throwing water at me. _That's_ why I dunked you under."

"I see age has messed with your memory, John. I only splashed you _after_ you wet my hair."

"Now you're using the age card. That is so below the belt."

"I'm trying to give you an excuse for your confusion on past events. I wanted to give you a way out."

He laughed for a bit, then they were silent again.

She knew he was caught up in memories of them together just like she was. They were both naked in the water since she had no swimsuit. They spent time sunbathing, laughing, and just enjoying each other.

"That was a good day. I've never forgotten it." he said quietly.

Neither had she. It was the day he told her his real name. It was the day they'd finally opened up to each other and that night they'd laid themselves bare and made love like they were the only two people in the world.

"I never forgot you, Joss, or that night. That night was….so special. You're a very special woman and I….."

"I thought about you…a lot. I thought about that week, what we shared….then how you left…."

"I hated leaving the way that I did."

He was apologizing again. She hadn't realized how closely she had held onto that hurt from so long ago. But to hear him say he was sorry again felt like a way to finally close the door on something she didn't know was still open.

"Where have you been, John? Who are you really?" She asked.

"Who I am….you basically already know. Where I've been….would take a while to tell. I know you have questions and I'm sure Jourdan will too. Hopefully we can sit down soon….and I'll tell you what I can. I promise."

It was enough for now, at least for tonight and they spent the rest of the conversation talking more about Paris, then about Jourdan.

He asked how she planned to get to the airport the next day. She was taking the hotel shuttle, but he came to get her instead, saying he wanted to see her off.

He walked her inside, held her bag for her and waited for her to get checked in for her flight. He bought her coffee while she waited and a magazine for her to read on her flight back. She looked at him standing tall beside her in his dark suit and white shirt thinking this would have been the way he would have said goodbye to her in Paris instead of leaving abruptly as he did.

She smiled.

* * *

Reese felt like he was trying to make amends. He was giving her what he hadn't, couldn't all those years ago. He didn't get the chance to send her off, he hadn't had the chance to say farewell. They were robbed of it and he wanted to somehow make it up to her.

So he took her to the airport, blown away by the sight of her yet again. She wore dark jeans and high heels, a white tunic covered by a dark jacket. He did all the things he would have done if they'd spent the last of their week together. He bought her coffee and they sat making awkward small talk as they would have years ago, both knowing they'd probably never see each other again, but still so overwhelmed by all they had shared and done.

He'd have told her she was beautiful, not to be nice, but because she really was. He would have told her that he'd always think of her and she'd be shy, wistful, not wanting him to go. He would have held her hand and waited with her, and when her flight was called he'd kiss her goodbye and wish her well.

He could hear the announcer calling out her flight number and it was time for her to get to her gate.

"I'll call you, once I send the package to the lab. If you get your sample to them….."

She went on about the DNA samples again, but he didn't hear a word as she reached to take her bag from him. All he could remember was the last time they made love before he left to go to Rouen; the night when she was everything she needed him to be.

On impulse he cupped her face in his hands kissing her. She was startled, putting a hand over his, but she didn't move away. His kiss was brief, but he felt the softness of her mouth on his before their lips parted, the way her mouth seemed to fit his perfectly like it had long before.

He was surprised at the longing that stirred from the brief contact and finally dropped his hands from her face.

"Have a safe flight, Joss. See you soon." And with that he left, not waiting to see the look on her face as she watched him go.

* * *

The taxi pulled up to the driveway and he pulled her bag out of the trunk setting it onto the pavement in front of her home. She paid him his fare and let herself in, immediately smelling the aroma of cinnamon, and brown sugar in her nose.

"Anybody here?" She called out and smiled as she heard the sound of footsteps running towards her.

"Jourdan!" She said as her daughter ran into her arms.

"Et comment êtes-vous ma mère?" Jourdan said, pulling away.

"Jourdan, I…"

"No, you have to answer me in French." She said blocking her passage.

"Honey I don't even…"

"Et comment êtes-vous ma mère?" Jourdan repeated, insisting she answer.

Joss realized Jourdan just wasn't going to let this go…she stood there thinking and shrugged answering. "Fine, thank you?" She waited for her to tell her it was wrong.

"Lucky, guess." She said crossing her arms in front of her and Joss laughed.

"Where's grandma?"

"In the kitchen, we're making banana muffins." She followed her to the kitchen and Joss' mother had just put two muffin pans into the oven. She walked up to her for a hug and a kiss.

"More like I'm making them and she's watching." Said Evelyn.

"Thanks for watching her for me." Joss said sitting down at the table and Jourdin came to sit in her lap.

"You know it's never a problem. Did you find what you were looking for?" Her mother asked.

"As a matter of fact I did." She said as Jourdan slid her arms around her neck, leaning against chest. "I'll have to give you the details later, though. After this one goes to bed." She said.

"Why can't you say it now?" asked Jourdan.

"Cause its grown folks business. And what did we say about grown folks business?"

"_Grown folks business is none of my business_. I remember." She said rolling her eyes.

"What's up with the muffins mom?" Joss asked.

"Jourdan wanted some and so…."

"You just couldn't tell her no." She said squeezing her daughter. "You got grandma wrapped right around your finger don't you? Come on, come help me unpack. Tell me about your game yesterday."

They disappeared down the hall together and Jourdan's animated voice filled the air.

* * *

Reese sat on a bench by the Queensboro Bridge as the sun was going down. There were passersby, people walking their dogs, joggers and the odd couple here and there. He didn't notice any of them.

His ears and all of his attention were focused on the sound of Jourdan's voice as she spoke to her mother. Finch had blue jacked Joss' phone on their first meeting and he was listening to their conversation with great interest.

Even now, hours later, she was still talking about her game. Apparently she was passionate about soccer. Earlier she told Joss that they had lost to a rival school just yesterday and she sounded disappointed by it. She was hopeful for the rematch they'd have in three days and she talked to Joss about taking her to practice tomorrow afternoon.

Mother and daughter sounded like they enjoyed a close relationship. He envied Joss the time she'd spent with Jourdan. The first steps she took, her first tooth, skinned knees and the first day of school. He'd missed so many moments.

Today she'd come home and they spent the afternoon with Joss' mother, eating banana muffins and later homemade hamburgers with fries. The sound of Jourdan's laughter was the sweetest melody he'd ever heard. He couldn't help but smile.

He looked out at the bridge. He had to meet Finch back at the library in a little while, but he was loathe to stop listening to their conversation.

His idea was stupid he knew, even as it began to form in his mind, but he was going to go through with it anyway.

He had to.

* * *

"Time to go to bed, honey." Joss was sprawled out on the large sectional in the playroom with Jourdan lying on top of her. Joss switched the TV off, setting the remote down and nudged her daughter who was unwilling to move.

"I'm not ready to go yet. And you just got back today, I missed you." She snuggled even closer.

"I missed you too, baby, but I was only gone for two days. Bedtime is still bedtime. And I have a few case files to go over before I head back to work on Monday."

"You work too hard. Your hours are too long. You've just been on two business trips." She was finally successful in prying herself out the child's grip and they both got up off the couch.

"Well you know I have a lot of responsibilities at work. But I always make time for you don't I?"

Jourdan reluctantly agreed as they walked the hallway together and she slipped her arm around Joss' waist. She slipped into her pajamas and climbed into bed and Joss bent down to kiss her on the cheek.

"Maybe we'll take a trip this summer, go somewhere special. What do you think?" She asked, standing by the door.

"I want to go to Paris."

"Jourdan, we talked about Paris before. We'll go when you're a little older and can appreciate it."

"S'il vous plait…."

"Goodnight, baby." She said.

"Goodnight, mom. Je t'aime."

"I love you too."

* * *

In the quiet of her bedroom, and under the covers Joss was wide awake. Her mind was going a mile a minute.

She was plagued by feelings she put aside long ago and she blamed it all on the kiss John had planted on her at the airport. It was unexpected, it was surprising and it was so reminiscent of the sexual chemistry they had in the past.

Surely he didn't have the same effect on her as he had before. Surely she was over that one terribly short week.

"Damn it." She muttered.

* * *

MONDAY AFTERNOON

Reese sat amongst a crowd of parents and spectators who came to watch the game between West Colonial Elementary and Cornwall Williams. There were a decent number of people who came to watch and cheer on their kids, friends and fellow classmates. The crowd was loud from time to time, the energy in the air electric. This was the deciding match of who would go on to the finals.

He ditched the dark suit and button down shirt today and opted for dark jeans and a gray polo shirt instead. He threw a lightweight black Polo Jacket by Ralph Lauren on over it and felt he blended in well enough as he watched Jourdan out on the field.

He spotted her almost immediately and she seemed to be a very good player. He watched her every move, mesmerized by her focus, the way she led her team. He recalled her excitement talking to Joss about the last game and now he understood why. She seemed completely in her element.

Her team was victorious, and at the end he watched her rejoice as West Colonial advanced to the finals. He smiled as he watched her laugh, her team mates attempting to lift her on their shoulders but all of them ended up falling in a heap to the ground. They dissolved into laughter and got up flocking to their coach and surrounding him. The other players eventually headed for the locker room area and started to head off the field while Jourdan stayed behind.

He moved closer to the fence for a better look, not wanting her to disappear just yet. He wanted to prolong the moment just for a little while longer. She stood talking to her coach for a few moments, her face serious at first, then she started laughing at whatever he was saying. Her smile was wide and he couldn't help but feel so overwhelmed to finally see her. They had the same smile.

He felt conflicted.

She was beautiful. More beautiful than he could have hoped. The photos he saw of her didn't do her justice. She was a part of him. His daughter, his blood.

But he'd done so many horrible things in his time. He wondered if he deserved her.

He watched as she trotted across the field running towards someone and he recognized Joss coming to stand at the edge of the field to meet her. They both embraced and started talking.

Joss was still in her work clothes, a nice gray business suit and high heels that showcased her legs and she drew more than a few looks as she stood out among the soccer moms and other women who came to the game in jeans and tennis shoes.

He thought about continuing to lurk nearby, but as Jourdan went to go get her things he decided not to.

He walked over to Joss, her back turned to him looking out on the field, but she turned as she heard footsteps behind her.

"John." She said recognizing him. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see her." He said simply.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.

"Since before the game started."

She was anxious he knew. There was still so much they had to discuss. So much to figure out. She could tell him to leave right now and if she asked him to, he would. But he hoped she would let him stay.

"John, we agreed back at the hotel, that we'd discuss the two of you meeting after…" She said softly.

"…..the paternity test was done. I know." He finished her sentence for her. She was going to ask him to leave, he could feel it.

"I had her samples sent to the lab in New York this evening. We said that it was best to wait till the results came back. Remember?"

"I do remember, Joss."

"So what happened?"

"I wanted to see her." He repeated. It was that simple. It was the truth and nothing but. It was what he wanted more than anything. In the distance he could see Jourdan with her gym bag on her back, running in their direction and fast. When she finally caught up to them, she immediately held Joss' hand.

He looked down on her while she openly looked into his eyes.

She wasn't shy at all, he thought as he looked back at Joss, a silent plea in his eyes. She seemed to empathize with his need to see her and smiled down at Jourdan.

"Jourdan baby, I'd like you to meet John. He's an old friend of mine. And he'll be joining us for dinner tonight."

* * *

"Bonjour John. C'est tellement agréable de vous rencontrer." She said holding her hand out.

Joss closed her eyes momentarily and smiled as Jourdan told him it was nice to meet him.

"C'est agréable de vous rencontrer aussi, Jourdan." Jourdan's eyes lit up as he answered her and gleefully shook his hand, immediately started a conversation with him with a few more phrases and words in French that she'd learned.

John responded in kind, a smile on his face as the two of them spoke and Joss couldn't help but tear up and smile watching them talk for the first time. In a matter of seconds they were in their own world, while she was left to watch and wonder just what they were talking about.

"I hate to break this up, but we have to get going so I can start dinner."

As soon as they got in the car, it began again and the conversation flowed as if they'd known each other a long time. Jourdan continued to engage him in French admitting there was much she didn't know. He coached her on a few words and phrases and she was completely ecstatic.

He admitted to having visited Paris a few times and that started yet another round of questions that he had no problem answering. She was totally engrossed in every word he was saying.

Joss was happy for her daughter, but she was also worried. She still didn't know much about John and his life which had seemed so secretive and she wondered if he had room for a child right now. She didn't want her daughter to get too attached to him and then be disappointed in the end.

But he'd said he wanted to see her and she didn't have the heart to deny him. Not when he had that look in his eyes. He'd travelled all the way here; so obviously it had been important to him. Now they were all going to spend the evening together having dinner.

_Just like a family_, she thought. The thought came unbidden and she quickly dismissed it focusing on the traffic ahead of her.

It wasn't long before she was pulling into the driveway and they all walked inside together. She watched as John looked around for a bit taking in his surroundings, but he didn't take his eyes off of Jourdan for long. As Joss tossed the keys on the end table she realized if she didn't stop her, their daughter was literally going to talk John's ears off.

"Honey."

"Yes mom?"

"How about you go and wash up and let John and me talk for a while. I promise he'll be here when you get back."

"Okay. Excuse me, John." She said before disappearing down the hallway and headed for her room.

"You can take my room, honey, use my bathroom."

"Okay!" Came her voice down the hallway and Joss shook her head. She stood with her back to the wall and her hands in back of her as she and John stared at each other. She could see it in his eyes. He was falling in love with her already.

"The French, it's something she does with everyone she meets. She started it in school earlier this year, but I got her some audio lesson CD's and she learns on her own too. She keeps asking me to take her to Paris. It's all she talks about. So she learns French, she speaks French so hopefully by the time she makes it there she can talk with everyone."

He nodded as he moved closer to her.

"I try to pick up a word or two. Sometimes I understand what she says, most of the time I don't. You're the first person who's ever been able to talk with her. I knew as soon as you met her, as soon as you saw her….I knew what she would say…..and I knew you'd be able to answer."

"She's beautiful." His voice cracked a little, his eyes filled with emotion. He reached around her back holding her hand and she was scared, not just for her daughter, but for herself.

He was in her space after so long and it felt like not one day had passed and as he squeezed her hand, she found it hard to breathe.

"Thank you, Joss."

She pulled her hand away, kicked her shoes off and headed for the kitchen. "I need to get dinner started."

He was getting too close and she needed some distance between them, even if it was only to move to a different room.


	8. Two Plus Two

A/N This chapter is longish and a lot is covered in it. We have a few flashbacks from the past including some minor time jumps in the present. Different POV's inlcude Joss, John, Jourdan and Finch. Hope you enjoy.

I do not own Person of Interest or its characters. BTW first episode of S3 started filming today!

* * *

THURSDAY EVENING

9:45pm ~ The Library

Finch listened to the heavy footsteps coming up the stairs as they echoed in the large space. The weight underneath them spoke of fatigue, weariness and perhaps a little frustration. Today had been a long and hectic one for both he and Mr. Reese. After presenting himself in the library shortly after 7am, he quickly caught himself up on the new number Finch had been tracking and aiding with the assistance of Detective Fusco for almost two days.

Now in the dark, Finch was waiting for Reese who had left New York on impulse and who had been gone for the better part of a week. He was waiting because he knew there was a conversation they both needed to have.

He thought that Reese looked tired as he set himself down in the chair beside him and he glimpsed the small cut above his left eyebrow. They sat in silence for a minute, the only thing disturbing the stillness was the sound of Bear padding over to Reese and his throaty cries of content as he was petted, his fur stroked. He was at peace that his master was at home again.

Finch watched them, waiting, contemplating whether he should begin. The choice was made for him as Reese was the first to initiate dialogue.

"Sorry I stayed so long, Finch." His voice denoted he regretted having abandoned their work, their mission. But he knew Reese held no sorrow in going to see his daughter, not in the least.

When he first told him he'd be going to Virginia, he estimated he'd be back in two days. He'd planned to get a look at the child, observe her for a brief time, then return. His delay convinced Finch that not only had Reese seen the girl, but he'd wanted to contact her and probably had while he was there.

He knew, once Reese had made a connection with her, there was no turning back. He knew their work; their job of saving lives would be changed from that point on. Whether there would be a positive or negative change was yet to be seen.

"I was wondering if I'd ever see you again."

* * *

JULY 2003

New York City ~ Oasis Plaza Hotel

Reese had made sure the corridors were clear.

No staff or guests were on the floor. It was early morning, after 3am and most people were in their rooms, already asleep or otherwise occupied at the moment.

Their orders were simple, get in, get out. Plant the tracking device, leave the target alive.

It was simple.

More than simple. He pulled down his ski mask, clutching his pistol as did Kara.

Room 781 belonged to Freddie Moore. They were about to rouse him from sleep.

Moore's blonde companion was the first to stir and the scream in her throat never got the chance to be heard. She was taken out with a shot to the head. Moore awakened as well, a blow to the head rendered him unconscious and the device was planted just underneath the skin of his left arm.

He and Kara had been in an out of the hotel room in less than ten minutes.

Quick. Efficient. They were a team.

Back at the safe house he threw off his clothes and intended to rest a while. They had about six hours before they had to take a flight to Castries in St. Lucia, an island in the Caribbean. The native language was English, but there were still some who spoke French and Creole as it was a former French colony.

French. He hadn't had the need to speak it in a few months. Not since Paris.

She was on his mind again, even now, when he'd just killed a woman he didn't know, for reasons he didn't know.

"_Vous vous sentez si bien, Joss."_ He would tell her, as he pushed himself deeper and deeper inside her. "You feel so good." He would repeat, losing himself inside.

He started to relax, his eyelids drooped, he finally fell asleep with thoughts of her swirling around in his head.

He must have dreamed about her he thought, images so strong, vivid, almost as if he felt her hands on him, coaxing him to hardness. Her mouth moving over him, making his cock wet, slick.

His eyes opened and instead of Joss above him, Kara had slipped into his room, her lips wrapped around his length, her head bobbing up and down.

"What are you…?" He started, but she ignored him and his body responded to her mouth, her lips and he felt himself getting hard. She climbed on top of him, no preamble, no tenderness, and she rode him hard, fast, her fingers boring into his chest over the fabric of his undershirt.

Her head was thrown back as she pressed herself onto him pushing him further inside, going deep. He gritted his teeth, reaching up to grab at her breasts and she held his hands there, her moans coming deep and louder.

_**Joss,**_ he thought in his mind, but pushed her from it. The thought of her shouldn't be here, not here in this moment with Kara.

He needed to end it. He needed to find release, physically, in more ways than one. He pulled Kara towards his chest, then underneath him, wrapping her legs around his back. He pushed up into her, hard, harder, fast, faster, pleasure shooting through him. His body was craving release now and he was closer.

_**Joss**_, he thought again. _**She isn't here**_, he told himself.

Kara grabbed at his skin and her hands found his throat as he plunged deeper, deeper still. Her heels dug into his back, spurring him on, and he drew back for a long stroke before plunging into her once more. She slapped him, hitting him across the face and he grunted. She laughed as his strokes became rougher and soon she cried out beneath him as she came.

He hadn't. He couldn't. His release was still tied up inside him and he watched her retreating form as she left the room. He felt tied up in knots as he got up and headed for the shower. Thoughts of Joss plagued him, the feel and scent of Kara still on his skin.

He felt the welcome heat of the water beating down on him. It reminded him of another time in the shower, in Paris with Joss. He leaned against the cold tile remembering how she'd come into the bath with him, her hands over him, touching him and kissing him. He remembered the tender look in her eyes, the feel of her lips and tongue on his.

He missed her. He'd only known her less than a week and he missed her. He moved his hand over his shaft, slowly over the hardness, remembering how she felt on it. How she'd move over him, her softness. So soft and wet, over and over he stroked himself until finally he found release pretending that Joss was underneath him, her face contorting in the same pleasure he felt.

He pictured her face, glowing, looking up at him, while in reality he was standing against the cold tile in the bathroom alone. He held his hand under the water, watching his seed spill down the drain.

There were just a few hours left before they had to leave. He needed to get some rest.

* * *

MONDAY EVENING

Norfolk, Virginia

"Why do I get the feeling that you're running away from me?"

He wasn't half wrong, she thought as he followed her into the kitchen. She opened up the freezer looking for something to defrost, but though the freezer was full, she saw nothing.

She wanted to laugh his question off, tell him he was silly, but couldn't.

"I wouldn't call it running away. I think I'd call it being cautious."

"Cautious?"

"Yes, cautious. I still don't know much, if anything about you, John. We haven't seen each other in a while and yes while I feel like we did connect in Paris all those years ago, the fact that I've found you…..the way I did….raises even more questions than I had before. I have to think of Jourdan."

"I'm not going to hurt her."

"She's not stupid, John. She's going to know something's up eventually."

"You had to know, as soon as you told me; I'd want to see her."

"It's not that, John. My mother is the only one who I told that I was looking for you. Jourdan has no idea what I've been doing in New York. She thinks it was all a business trip. I just…wanted to prepare her for…when she finally met you. That's all."

Her back was still turned to him, she was still looking in the freezer and her eyes finally saw what was in front of her. Everything she looked at would take forever to thaw. They'd be eating by midnight at his rate.

"Would you look at me?" He asked quietly, but she couldn't. Not just yet. She was afraid of what he might see. "Joss, look at me." She finally closed the freezer door and turned to face him and gave him what she thought was a brave face.

"We _did_ connect all those years ago. What we had was brief, but very special. Our time together got me through a lot of…difficult situations when I felt there wasn't a way out…."

His voice seemed so sincere, his words true, but still she was skeptical.

"I never expected this…..never expected to see you again, definitely didn't expect Jourdan. But this is where we are and I don't know how to stay away."

"Well I guess that's a start. We just have to…..Jourdan." She glimpsed her standing at the entrance of the kitchen staring curiously at the two of them, particularly at John who spun round soon as Joss had called her name.

Joss wondered if she caught the fact that both her parents had tears in their eyes. Jourdan didn't comment, but she knew nothing got past her daughter.

"What are we having tonight, mom?" Jourdan asked quietly, still rooted at the spot. Still staring at John.

"Well….." Joss began.

"How about I take you both out? We'll give your mother the night off. What do you say?"

* * *

With the prospect of an evening out of the house, Jourdan's close study of John had ended if only momentarily and Joss thankfully accepted his invitation to go out.

A few minutes later they were on their way to the Beach and on the drive over John used the time to engage Jourdan in conversation once more, asking her about school, her likes, hobbies and soccer.

He kept the conversation going, interested in every detail given up until they finally reached the parking garage at Town Center and crossed the street to walk over to The Cheesecake Factory. It was Jourdan's favourite place and she got to choose the spot tonight.

He watched her eyes light up as they walked inside and he had to resist the urge to hold her hand while they waited to be seated. They were shown to their table and he sat opposite Joss while Jourdan slid in next to her mother.

He thought of the first time they sat down at a table together, his eyes growing nostalgic as the server took their drink orders. He was sure Joss was remembering too. He felt like a different person while he was here with them. They were doing the most mundane things. They were just having a meal. Joss was telling him about her work at her law firm when he asked about her job. Jourdan told him about how the coach was planning on making her team captain.

Simple, ordinary things that made him feel like he was a normal person.

The night wore on much to his dismay. He didn't want it to end. He was heading back to New York tomorrow afternoon and he wanted to enjoy being with them as much as possible.

They were having dessert, Joss and Jourdan were sharing a cheesecake and he noticed her eyes locking with his once more. All evening she listened as he and Joss talked, exchanged glances and he realized she was just as shrewd as her mother was.

"How do you know my mom, John?"

He saw Joss stiffen a little and his eyes softened as he looked at Jourdan. "Your mother and I go way back. She's been a very good friend to me." It could have been a lie, but really it wasn't. Although they'd been separated by time, he did consider Joss a good friend.

"But she never mentions you. Haven't you two spoken to each other?"

"Well honey, just because you lose touch with someone over the years, it…it doesn't mean you think about them any less." Said Joss.

"Or care about them any less." He said and the look he and Joss shared was not lost on Jourdan.

He finally signaled for the cheque and their server came over with the bill.

"So where did you two meet?"

He could see Joss stiffen again, she was nervous, holding her breath. He reached across the table taking her hand in his. Her eyes connected with his and he didn't look away as he answered.

"In Paris. Ten years ago."

* * *

September 2008

It was the first day of school and 1st grade at West Colonial Elementary in Norfolk. They'd been sitting in the parking lot for ten minutes now because Jourdan refused to get out of the car. Joss wondered if she should have waited till next year and quickly chased the thought away. She knew her daughter was ready. She was just a little nervous that's all.

"What if they don't like me?"

Joss shook her head, taking her daughter's hand. "Impossible. One look at you honey and everyone's going to know you're something special. Just like I do."

Jourdan gave her a skeptical look and fidgeted with her hands in her lap.

"I _promise_ you, by the end of the day you'll have new friends. Now come on. Be the brave girl your mother knows you are."

She walked her to her class and waved goodbye to her as she slowly took her seat. She went back to the car, tears welling up in her eyes realizing they'd just reached a milestone.

"First grade."

* * *

MONDAY EVENING

Jourdan was in her room asleep and Reese and Joss sat in the playroom on the third level on the condo. There was a skylight up here he noticed. Two tall bookcases lined two walls, their shelves filled with books, magazines and a set of encyclopedias. He hadn't seen those in a while but he wasn't entirely surprised since Joss was an attorney and Jourdan possessed a great desire for learning.

There was an abundance of law books, and various other reading materials. There were also a few photo albums scattered here and there, trophies that Jourdan had won in school. A few framed photos and a 2 foot replica of The Eiffel Tower on a shelf at the top.

There was a triptych on the wall, canvas of The Champs Elysees. It was beautiful and he stared at it for a while.

"I took that on my trip. I liked it so much I got it put on canvas. Jourdan stares at it a lot."

"You've done well with her. She's everything anyone could ever hope for. More than everything I ever could."

"We need to talk, John. We need to talk about things."

They sat close to each other and she was turned to him with her arm thrown over the back of the lush sofa. He wondered how she'd react to the sad tale that was his life. But he told her anyway about his family, growing up in Washington as an only child, losing his parents at a young age and going to live with distant relatives.

He told her about the army, being a Ranger, he told her about Kuwait, Desert Storm, but he stopped right up to the point where he joined the CIA.

Everything he'd told her spoke of normalcy. That part of him was still worthy of being Jourdan's father. That part of him was still worthy of being a permanent fixture in her life.

He was extremely hesitant to share the rest of the details with her although he knew he had to.

"When we were in Paris you spoke of a different kind of work." She said.

"Yes."

"Work that was secretive. Work that you felt was so bad, that you pushed your ex away. This was when you worked for the CIA, wasn't it?"

"Yes."

"What was it, John? Tell me."

This one day wasn't enough, he thought. Not nearly enough for him to know all there was to know about Jourdan. But it was enough for him to know that he couldn't be apart from her any longer. Was he about to ensure he never saw her again?

"Tell me, John." Her voice was soft and coaxing, the way that it was when they'd first met.

"I killed people. It was my job. For the CIA, for my country I killed people, Joss. I didn't ask questions, I didn't care if they were innocent or not, I just did as I was told. I got rid of people that my handlers told me had to disappear. I was good at it, I didn't particularly like it, but it's what I did for a long time."

He took a deep breath waiting for her to tell him to get out, to leave. When she didn't he continued.

"When we met I'd just finished an assignment in Prague, Jessica had just gotten married, I needed to get away. So I went to Paris, I took leave, left my partner behind and I wanted to forget all about it, if only for a week. I was a monster. Sometimes I still feel like I am. I wanted normal, but I knew because of what I was, that I could never have it."

* * *

She knew he was watching for her reaction. Even in the dim light in the room she could see his eyes fixed on her, his hands in his lap fidgeting just as Jourdan would sometimes.

She couldn't quite believe it. She couldn't reconcile the person he was describing to the person she'd met long ago. Not even the person she was speaking to now. Not the one who'd travelled to watch their daughter play soccer and certainly not the one who'd spoken to her in French and had taken them out for dinner.

She should be appalled at what he was telling her, and a great part of her was. But she still only saw who he was when they'd first met. He was looking for understanding, acceptance, and as much as he shied away from thinking he was normal he still craved it now like he did back then.

"What we had, for those couple of days, was the closest to normal I'd been for a long time….and it meant a lot to me."

She had to choose.

There was never any doubt that he was her daughter's father. But right now she had to choose whether or not to let him be a part of her child's life. Could she separate his past from who he was now? Could she see past what he'd done and allow him to get to know her child even more?

Her common sense as a lawyer told her he'd never change. Criminals rarely did. They were usually unrepentant, not ever truly sorry for their transgressions and misdeeds. If they got off without jail time, without consequences, they became bolder with their choices, their actions. But they rarely if ever wanted to change.

Whatever John had done in his past, he was ashamed of it. That's what was different about him. That's what she noticed when she found him in her hotel room after she ended her meeting with Harold Wren. He was still carrying around the guilt of his work with the CIA. It was like a dead weight on his back, that he couldn't get rid of.

"Jourdan…Jourdan is my chance, my second chance at normal. So are you."

"Me?"

"Don't tell me that the only reason you were looking for me was because she wanted to know who her father was. You know that's not true. You could have told her anything. You could have told her I was dead, missing, you could have made anything up and sooner or later, she'd have dropped it."

"No, you're wrong."

"Am I?" His voice was insistent, his words too close to the truth and she got up, he was right behind her pulling her back. "I've never forgotten about you. Never. Seeing you…after all this time…." His voice was in her ear, so close. She turned round to face him and he dropped his hand from her arm.

He was right, but she wasn't ready to lay herself bare just yet. He wanted to know his daughter; right now that was more important wasn't it? Whatever she wanted was secondary.

Still he was mere inches away from her and images and memories flashed across her mind. He towered over her in the dark, and the pull between them right now was electric. She reached up and put her hand on the side of his face.

It had been so long, she thought. But it felt almost like yesterday. She stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his, softly at first. Then her arms slid around his neck while his arms slid around her back.

Their lips parted briefly and she caught her breath before kissing him once more. She felt alive again, with her body pressed against his and his hands running up and down her back. So alive, like new blood was running through her veins. She pulled and pulled from him, pressing her lips against his, sliding her tongue over his.

Had she waited ten years for this? To be back in his arms again? If that was the case, the wait had been worth it.

He groaned against her mouth and she knew he still desired her as he did back then.

"Joss." He murmured her name before kissing her quickly and his lips found her cheeks. She rested on her feet again and he pulled her close for an embrace.

"This is crazy." She said with tears in her eyes. "This is crazy and it doesn't make sense."

He laughed.

"Nobody knows that better than I do, Joss." He said and he wouldn't let her go.

They ended up back on the couch for the next few hours. She told him a little more about herself, growing up in Virginia, her mom, her dad who'd already passed away and of course her sister. She told him how her sister was there during the whole pregnancy and how she stayed with her delaying a work transfer to Philadelphia to help her out during Jourdan's first year. She would be forever grateful to her.

He said he was sorry she had to go through it without him, but was glad she had her family. There were so many things he'd missed out on and she realized they would truly have a lot to discuss and figure out.

She called him a cab and walked him to the door when it arrived.

"My flight leaves at 6pm. I'd like to see you before I go."

"I'd like that too." She said, nodding her head.

"I'm at the Hilton at the Ocean Front. Room 625"

"You're heading all the way back out there? Now I feel kinda guilty when we could've taken you there after we left the restaurant." His hands were still locked around her waist.

"Yes, but we wouldn't have had our talk, and I wouldn't have had that extra time with Jourdan." He bent his head to kiss her. "Thank you, again, Joss. See you tomorrow."

* * *

Jourdan heard voices. They were low, hushed but she'd always been a bit of a light sleeper. She rolled over in bed, got up and quietly opened her bedroom door. The sounds were coming from the front room and her mother was still up talking with John. He'd told her where he was staying and then left.

She heard her mother locking the door and scrambled back into bed just as her room door opened and Joss peeked inside.

"The Hilton at the Ocean Front. Room 625." she said aloud after Joss was gone and pulled the covers over her head.

* * *

TUESDAY MORNING

It was shortly after 11am when Reese got back to his hotel room. He'd been to Family Diagnostic Center on Granby. They were the ones who'd handled Jourdan's samples and he wanted to submit his as well.

He cut the TV on and started to clear up the few things he'd brought with him throwing them into his overnight bag and he heard a knock on his room door. He figured it was Joss. He'd told her he wanted to see her before he left, but he thought she'd call first.

He walked to the door looking through the peep hole and was shocked to see Jourdan standing in the hallway.

He quickly opened the door just as she was about to knock again.

"Bonjour, John." She said.

"Bonjour, Jourdan."

"Can I come in?"

"Please." He said and she walked inside, looking around. "I have to say I'm very surprised to see you here. How'd you know where I was staying?"

"I eavesdropped last night, when you were leaving our house." The look on her face was apologetic.

"Why aren't you in school?"

"I told the teacher I was sick and that my mother was coming to get me. But I called a taxi to bring me here."

"Does your mother know where you are?"

"No. She doesn't." She shook her head.

"Then we need to let her know…."

"Please don't call her, not yet. I wanted to talk to you first."

"_**She's not stupid, John. She's**_ _**going to know something's up eventually**__."_ Joss' words came quickly to memory.

"What's this about, Jourdan?" He asked.

She put her school bag down on the ground and looked up at him.

"We have the same eyes, John. We have the same nose, cheeks…." She said touching hers. "I have this too….. here." She said touching her cowlick. "It won't stay down."

"Jourdan….."

"I went through the albums this morning when mom was still asleep. She has a few from when she was in Paris, but she has one or two pictures stashed away of the two of you."

"Don't you think this is something you should talk to your mother about?"

"I have." She said shakily. "But I wanted to ask _you_."

He sat down on the bed in front of her not knowing if it was his place to tell her. But here she was asking questions and he didn't want to lie to her.

"We have the same dark hair." She continued. "I watched you last night. We have the _same_ smile. John, tell me, please. Are you my dad?"

* * *

Joss left work with a mild case of panic and anxiety. It took her a while to make it out to the Ocean Front because there was a lot of traffic on the roads. When she finally got to the hotel and handed her keys over to the valet, she was nervous walking into the lobby and towards the elevators.

John had called her to tell her that Jourdan had left school and found her way to his hotel room. He told her she needed to come over and quickly.

When he opened the door and let her in, she saw two faces staring back at her. Both identical, the only difference, age and gender, but they were the same. Each one with different emotions in their eyes. One had questions; the other one had answers yet to be revealed.

The test results weren't in yet, but she didn't need them. She knew Jourdan wouldn't risk coming here to the hotel on her own for nothing. She had put it together all on her own and it was time to tell her.

"Thanks for calling me, John." She said with a hand on his arm. "Sweetheart, don't you ever do that again. You hear me? If something had happened to you….I don't even want to think about it."

"I didn't mean for you to worry, mom. I'm sorry. I just….."

"Come here, baby." She said hugging her. She watched John watching them, his face anxious, a little fretful. "I know you're a very smart girl. You came here because you figured some things out." She sat down on the bed and pulled Jourdan down into her lap. "Remember I told you that John is an old friend of mine?"

Jourdan nodded at her then looked over at him.

"Well he's not just a friend, he's your father." She could swear she heard John breathe a sigh of relief that the big question was finally answered, but she knew more would follow.

"Where have you been?" Jourdan asked looking at him.

"It's a…"

"Jourdan, honey, your father was working, overseas….for a long time. He didn't know about you until just a few days ago. I'm sure that if he knew about you, he would have been here."

"It's true Jourdan, if I'd known; nothing would have stopped me from seeing you."

"Do you mean that?" She asked standing in front of him.

"I do. I've only known you for a few days and I already think you're the best daughter anybody could have."

"You're pretty interesting too." She said with a smile. "I mean you speak French way better than mom does." Jourdan moved tentatively toward him, reaching out to take his hand. Joss watched as tears came to John's eyes as he squeezed her hand, and then decided to pick her up. Jourdan threw her arms around him and Joss was incredibly moved by the whole scene before her.

She saw hope spring up in his eyes right before he closed them.

"Let's go to The Cheesecake Factory." She heard Jourdan whisper in his ear.

"No. John has a flight to catch. He's going back to New York and you young lady have to go to grandma's till I get off work later."

"No he can't go. He just got here."

"Wait for it…" Joss said with her arms folded in front of her.

"Maybe….I could stay until tomorrow." He said with a shrug. "I mean…..Jourdan and I do have some catching up to do."

"Oui!" Said Jourdan and planted a kiss on his cheek. Joss shook her head at the both of them looking like two co-conspirators. She knew it was just a matter of time before she had him wrapped around her finger too.

"I guess I'm no longer needed here. I'll just head back to work." She grabbed her handbag from the bed and headed for the door. "Nice room, John." She remarked looking at the king sized bed.

"Call me when you get off work." He said finally putting Jourdan down. "We'll have dinner tonight."

"And I'll pick the place." Said Jourdan.

Joss smiled as John winked at her as she opened the door. She chuckled as she heard them talking in French again and headed for the elevator.

* * *

THURSDAY EVENING

New York ~ The Library

"I was wondering if I'd ever see you again." Reese looked up at Finch as he said the words. He would have loved nothing more than to stay in Virginia with them. As he sat there, he realized he missed them already. He missed Jourdan's laugh, her smile, her everything.

He missed Joss, the promise of what might still be. Her touch, her scent, her perfume, her gentleness with their daughter and her tenderness with him. His heart was back there, not here right now with Finch in this library.

But he knew he had to come back. He had a duty, he had an obligation. He had an agreement with Finch that he had to live up to. So he returned. He became something else. He blocked them out of his mind all day while he worked, while he fought, while he protected yet another number.

Reality set in and he wondered how he would balance it all. How would he meld fatherhood along with who he was right now? Was it even possible?

"I had to see her Finch. Once I did….it was difficult to leave."

"Life can be funny Mr. Reese. Sometimes it presents opportunities that seem like a God send, a stroke of luck that we couldn't possibly pass up. We take advantage of an opportunity and it can work, it can turn into the most beautiful thing that ever happened to us. For years we could be happy, ignorant of dangers, outside forces, of all the things that could certainly go wrong."

He knew that Finch meant well, but he didn't want to be persuaded that he wasn't good for Jourdan or Joss. He'd been telling himself for years that he wasn't good for anyone.

"I know the sacrifice you made for Grace. I know that you miss her. Every day. I know that you want to be with her. I never thought I could be good for anyone. Not Jessica, not Joss, not Jourdan. I know the danger they could be in because of me. But they are…everything I've ever wanted. Everything in me is telling me to walk away, they'd be better off without me. But I can't."

"And what if, God forbid, your past catches up with you?"

"I don't know, Finch. I don't know."


	9. Old & New

A/N This chapter has flashbacks and further glimpses into Reese' past. We meet a few of his friends 'old and new'

* * *

MARCH 2003

John slowly awoke from his deep slumber. He stretched his leg out under the sheets looking down at Joss who was curled up underneath him. Last night they'd shared something very deep. They'd dug deeper than he'd expected or intended. Probably deeper than she did too. But it had happened and surprisingly he didn't regret it.

They'd made love and he knew, he just knew she heard every word he didn't say, couldn't say, but that was conveyed by every touch, every kiss, every movement between their bodies. Their coupling had been tender, sweet and he found himself comforted by it.

He felt different somehow. He wanted more, but beyond this week he knew it wasn't possible. He wanted to know her better, but knew it wasn't a good idea. He smoothed the hair from her face, thinking how beautiful she was beside him.

He looked towards the window; the sun would be up in a few hours. He would let her sleep in, rest a little and make her some breakfast. They'd spend the day together, here at his place, or back at her hotel. The location didn't matter as long as they were together.

He got up slowly throwing his leg over the side of the bed and heard the dull tone of a cell phone. He paused a moment realizing the sound was coming from his phone in the night stand, the one he used strictly for work alone. He hesitated for a moment not wanting this week to be interrupted but he knew he had to answer it. He reached into the drawer, picking it up slowly and answered.

"Yes." He answered briefly.

"Reese, it's Shaw. Can you talk?" It had been a few months since he's spoken to or seen his fellow operative. His voice was hushed but urgent on the other line, and he heard the faint echo of groaning as he spoke.

"One minute." He said and quickly got into his jeans. He walked outside, quietly closing the door behind him.

"Shaw. It's been a while."

"I know. Not since Zurich." Shaw growled into the phone, his voice low.

"Not a time you like to remember as I recall."

"I don't. So thanks for bringing it up."

"I didn't, you did." Reese said smiling.

"Oh shit. You're right. Fuck it's been a long couple of days. Little bitch of a bird told me you had some free time on your hands. I wondered if you felt like a challenge."

"What do you need?"

"Need your powers of persuasion. I have an egg that won't crack."

Reese took a deep sigh, knowing exactly what Shaw wanted, but he _was_ on vacation.

"How long have you boiled it for?" He asked.

"Twelve hours so far and nothing. I have a deadline and I need to get his done. I hate to admit that you're better at this than me."

"Again….."

"Again. But I really need your help."

"Where are you?"

"I'm in Rouen. How quickly can you get here?"

"A little over an hour. I'm close."

"Good. See you then. You know where."

He walked back inside. Joss was still asleep, so peaceful, oblivious about what he was about to do. He wanted nothing more than to wake her up with kisses, but he knew he had to go. Shaw had helped him out in more ways than one. He had to return the favour. He walked into the bathroom and washed up before throwing on a shirt and jeans and his motorcycle jacket. He wrote a short note for Joss to find when she woke up. A smile crossed his face as he pictured her reading it. The least he could do after leaving her alone for the day would be to have a romantic dinner with her that evening. Within fifteen minutes he was outside in a small storage room attached to his apartment and he came out on his Griso 8V and rode over to Adele's Rose. He spent a few moments there talking with Adele and left on his way to Rouen. He started to mentally prepare himself for what was ahead of him and started to push thoughts of Joss from his head.

_Its time to crack an egg._

* * *

MAY 2013

2 WEEKS LATER

Her leg was twitching again.

He could hear it because her boot was knocking against the floor of the Town Car. The rhythmic and annoying thud sounds were starting to get to him. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her fidgeting with her hands and turning her now empty coffee cup in a circular motion between them.

He finally looked over at her and her head shot up realizing she was being studied. She offered a sheepish grin and a shrug, putting the empty piece of Styrofoam between them in one of the cup holders.

"You nervous about something Lana?" He asked her.

"I'm sorry, John. It's been a few days without a cigarette and I'm starting to feel like I'm losing my mind. Trying to distract myself I guess." Fusco answered and clasped her hands together in her lap once more. "Who're we watching again?"

"Anna Beene. A pharmacist and we're here to make sure her ex husband doesn't surprise her tonight."

He watched as Fusco nodded her head. She moved a blond lock of hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. John knew she had little interest in this case. On top of her fighting off a nicotine addiction, this new number was anything but interesting. She was as dull as they came. Everything about her was ordinary, mundane, colourless and humdrum. She wore dull fabrics, clothes and material that seemed to swallow her up and make her disappear. If it wasn't for the white lab coat she wore at work, she might have disappeared into the background he thought.

However dull he found her though, she seemed intensely interesting to her ex. He guessed at physical abuse as the reason she'd left and come to New York. But in his opinion if what she wanted to do was blend in and disappear, she picked the wrong town to do it.

So here they were on the second hour of their stakeout watching Anna as she spent a quiet evening alone. She appeared at her window every now and again to look out at the street below, almost as if she could sense they were there. Almost like she knew someone was coming.

"So how was your impromptu trip a couple weeks ago? Who'd ya see?"

He and Lana had formed a tentative but solid friendship after he'd pick pocketed her one day when she was off work and coming out of a 7-11. He hadn't known she was a cop, but that afternoon, he was hungry, he was cold and he needed food.

Instead of arresting him, she'd let him have a few dollars. Over the next few months they got to know each other and after he'd saved Fusco's life she felt somewhat indebted to him. After he'd met Finch, gotten cleaned up and started working the numbers he'd made her a proposition.

"An old friend." He muttered.

"Sure it wasn't an old girlfriend?"

Reese scowled and took a sip of his coffee.

"It _**was**_." She teased laughing and sounded almost triumphant as she said the two words, like she'd won a victory. He remembered her telling him before that getting any sort of personal information out of him was like pulling a tooth out. She was happy with her extraction just now he guessed. "So how'd she look? Still cute? Any old feelings come back?"

Reese tensed the further she went on, hating that she was mostly right in her assumptions. "The lonely vigilante bit is getting kinda old now John. You gotta think about your future too. How long can you keep this up? With Finch, these cases? Have you ever thought about that?"

He had from time to time. But up until recently he never thought it possible.

"I have."

"Seeing people from our past puts things in perspective sometimes. We remember where we used to be, things we used to do. Then we think about where we are and where we're going."

"Easy there, Lana. No need to get all philosophical on me." He looked at her sideways.

"Hey I need to do something to distract me from the fact that I am dying for a pack of Marlboros right now. Besides, ever since you got back two weeks ago, I can see something's been needling ya."

He smirked at her remark, but she was right. She'd stopped fidgeting for a minute and the incessant boot tapping had stopped.

"The haze of smoke has finally left and now, cigarette free, Lana Fusco's vision is crystal clear."

"Funny." She said laughing and punched him in the arm. "Look I'm just saying. You've come a long way from being the disheveled mess you used to be. In more ways than one. I don't have to worry about you taking my wallet anymore or you throwing yourself in front of a bus. You've been working with Finch for a while, doing a good job. You clean up real nice if I do say so myself…" she raised her hands up at Reese's scathing look. "….I'm just saying…..maybe it's time to think about the next phase of your life."

"I think I liked you better when you weren't so nosey and you smoked."

"Ha! No you didn't. Besides I've always been nosey and you hated it when I smoked. I remember plenty of your belly aching." She glanced outside the apartment and noticed a dark figure heading for the back entrance. "You see that?" She said getting out of the car.

Reese was right behind her. "Let's go."

* * *

JANUARY 2002

The room was dark, musty, it looked almost like a cellar, and Reese looked around. They'd been in there for an hour, standing in place, both dressed in penguin suits, just waiting. Waiting for _**someone**_.

Beside him, stood his old friend Samuel Shaw. Both of them had been recruited by the same agent at the CIA almost at the same time. Shaw was around his age, shared the same type of small town background and they both identified with each other's ambition to further their military careers.

Sam was around the same height as Reese standing over 6ft tall. He was athletically built and muscular with a presence about him. He had dark brown hair and gray eyes and always joked that he was the better looking of the two. Reese joked that if his brains and skill didn't help him in the field, he hoped Sam's looks could.

Reese thought maybe in another life, they might have been friends, could even have been brothers. The only difference besides the physical was their disposition. While Reese had turned into a more serious, cautious and reserved person, Sam was more open, friendlier, willing to smile.

The door finally opened and in walked a leggy brunette in a form fitting blue dress that reached her knees. Her lips were bright red, her eyes lined with dark kohl. Her long dark brown mane moved softly over her shoulders and back.

At first glance you would think she was just another attractive female, but the searing, intense look she razed over them said otherwise. Reese looked at her as her gaze met and held his, but stared back at her with the same intensity.

She looked away from him finally, turning towards Sam next to him. She noticed the smirk on his face, the smile that reached his eyes and Reese knew within two seconds she had been turned off by it.

She crossed her arms in front of her and walked around them both as if they were being inspected.

"I'm Kara Stanton. Winston Creed had been my partner for a few months until he…._retired_ last week. We got along well enough, he was competent, adept. It was a pity to see him go." Reese could hear her footsteps in the back of them as she circled them. It was almost the encroachment of a predator trying to see which of its prey was the weakest.

"I didn't have a choice about working with Winston; he was just assigned to me. _This_ time…_**I**_ get to pick his replacement and I only have two hours to choose. Your instructors say you're ready. But I'll be the judge of that." She flashed a smile at them then, but Reese didn't return it. Beside him, he saw Sam's slow beam fall into place.

Reese saw the minute look of disapproval in her eyes again at Sam, before she turned her gaze back to him.

"I think I'll go with _you_ Lucas. Goodbye Shaw." She said dismissing him without a further glance. He listened to Sam's steps as he retreated out of the exit, but he didn't look back. "Now…we have _**got**_ to do something about that name of yours."

* * *

MAY 2013

WEDNESDAY MORNING

2 WEEKS EARLIER

Reese cradled the light burden in his arms and felt her hands at his collar in the back of his neck. He heard her steady even breathing as he got closer and closer to her bedroom and he walked as slowly and carefully as possible so as not to wake his precious daughter. He'd enjoyed his time with her today. They'd had lunch at The Cheesecake Factory like she wanted, went to see a movie and went downtown Norfolk to Waterside where they had ice cream then took a ride on the ferry to Old Towne in Portsmouth.

After Joss got off from work, the three of them went out for dinner again and he spent the evening engrossed in topic after topic that she went on about. She never seemed to run out of a new detail to share and he never tired of the sound of her voice.

When they got back to Joss' place they spent the evening in the play room and even past bed time she refused to leave and instead fell asleep lying over Joss's lap on the couch. Now here he was, tucking Jourdan into bed. Her thick lashes fanned her cheeks, her pink lips formed into a gorgeous pout. He drew the covers over her shoulders, smoothed the errant cowlick that refused to stay down before he kissed her goodnight.

He straightened up and turned round to see Joss watching him and he smiled. As he followed her out of the room and down the hall he couldn't help but feel far removed from the person he was when he was in New York. He had only been here for two days and he felt as if his life had been changed irreparably.

He and Joss' walked down the stairs to the first floor and she walked into the kitchen. Her hair hung loose down her back, her shoes were off and she'd pulled her button down shirt out of her skirt to get more comfortable.

"I normally have hot chocolate sometimes at night before I go to bed." She said getting milk out of the fridge and poured it into a small pot on the stove. "Most people like to just microwave the milk, but…..this is how my mother used to make it when I was little. And now…I do it this way too. Plus I think it tastes much richer this way." She spoke almost like she was sharing a secret with an old friend. Her voice was gentle, hushed. "Would you like some?" She asked quietly not looking at him, so she hadn't seen when he moved just to the back of her. When she moved to turn around she bumped right into his chest.

He bent his head inhaling her, a mixture of the same fragrance she'd always used, mingled in with her own natural scent. He found himself getting hard and he heard her gasp as he moved his hand slowly around her waist.

She put her hand over his and he moved his lips against her neck. He saw her eyes flutter closed but she spun round moving away from him.

"John, we can't do this. I can't do this."

* * *

MAY 2013

2 WEEKS LATER

She had been right.

She wasn't going to do it. She hadn't done it and she was proud of herself, she thought as she rounded the corner to her office and sat down in her chair. But she bit her bottom lip thinking about the way he'd touched her and wondered what he was doing right now.

For the rest of the night they'd sat and talked. But she was firm about not sleeping with him, not just because Jourdan was at home, but because if things were going to move forward between them, she'd like to get to know him a little first. She needed to know a little bit more of his past, his present, his likes and dislikes. She wanted to know who he was as a man.

She needed to know he wouldn't bolt like he did last time. She needed to know he'd be there for Jourdan. She needed to know that after they connected again, he'd stick around. That was her biggest fear of all; being rejected again. She couldn't risk that.

And so instead of spending a night together reminiscent of the ones they shared in Paris, they spent the night snuggled on the couch in the play room drinking hot chocolate and talking about nothing and everything.

John told her about being burned by the CIA, his last mission to China, his partner dying and how he barely made it back to the US months later. She was heartbroken as he told her about coming back home to find that Jessica was still married and expecting her first child. The pain of losing the one thing that was important to him; his job, his career and then seeing his first love living happy with a husband and child sent him over the edge. He'd given up a life with her for the very same people who betrayed him.

He'd been lost for a while for a very long time. He became detached from society. He had no friends, no family left, no purpose. She felt tears sting her eyes at the thought of him living homeless, drifting from place to place sleeping wherever he could find shelter. He felt his life had no meaning and he contemplated suicide often until he met Harold, the man she'd met who was his supposed 'uncle'. Harold had saved him and given him a purpose again.

"How exactly do you help people, John? How does he know these people are in trouble? Where does Harold get his information _from_?" She asked him pressing for more details.

He hadn't been forthcoming with much in regards to Harold, and though John's description of him was that of a kind, considerate benefactor, what he didn't say raised even more questions that he didn't seem yet willing to answer. Still she was glad that he'd opened up at all. By the sound of his voice, and the way he'd held onto her, she could tell that it was far from easy for him to say half of what he did.

She told him about Paul, his anger and criticism of her when he found out she was pregnant. He was apologetic again, but she assured him she was over it now. She told him about video diaries she made while she was pregnant, clips of Jourdan's first steps, her first day of school, a lot of the details he'd missed. He was glad to hear about each and every one.

They finally got sleepy around 3am and though she was very tempted to ask him to come to her bedroom she offered him the pullout bed in the play room upstairs instead. She brought him the extra blankets and pillows and handed them to him.

"I think Jourdan would like to see her father here when she wakes up tomorrow. That way you can say goodbye to her before she goes to school and before you catch your flight." She fought the urge to walk into his embrace, grateful for the bed linen that was between them.

"Good night, John." She said and turned to walk out the room. But he caught up with her by the door, having put the linens down. The touch of his hand on her stomach earlier had sent a surge inside her, but she wasn't quite ready for this.

"Wait…" She closed her eyes at the sound of his voice right behind her and turned around as he grabbed her by the arm. His lips were so soft, she thought as they found hers. As soft and sweet as they moved over her own. His hand cupped the back of her head and she put her arms around his neck melting into him. His hands moved up and down her back as his mouth opened to push his tongue out, coaxing her lips apart.

Fire and heat coursed through and over her, ripples of it travelled over her skin as he kissed her lips hotly, passionately, until she was breathless when their lips parted. How was it that they burned for each other just as hotly now as they did back then?

"John…." She groaned as his forehead leaned against hers. Her hands were against his chest almost as if she were steadying herself, trying to gain control.

"I'm sorry Joss. I know you want to wait, I know Jourdan's right upstairs…..but…I had to get a good night kiss." He finally released her after kissing her forehead and she scrambled from the room.

As expected, Jourdan was happy to see him still there in the morning and they had breakfast together. She was happy too and she couldn't help the little spark of delight she felt thinking about their time spent together the night before.

When Evelyn came by to pick Jourdan up for school, Joss shook her head as her mother cast a quizzical glance at John as he sat at the dining table. Joss didn't allow her any questions and promised to fill her in later. But she had no doubts that Jourdan would tell her story after story about everything that had unfolded during the last two days.

John shared a heartfelt good bye with Jourdan, one that was similar to the one Joss shared with him before he left to go back to the hotel to pack and leave.

He promised to keep in touch with them when he went back and he had been true to his word. A few days after he left, he sent a package for her through overnight delivery. It was a cell phone for Jourdan so she could call him anytime she wanted to. She was overjoyed and tested it right away. Of course he had been waiting for and expecting her call and she was excited that he was that much more accessible to her.

Her conversations with John were different however. Since he'd gotten back to New York, there was a slight change in his voice, the way he spoke. He was much more serious, more subdued, more like he was when she'd met him in her hotel room in New York. There was a wall he'd put up, not necessarily to keep her out, but to shield himself. From what she didn't know, but she knew however that it was there.

"You're still a beautiful woman, Joss. Still sexy, interesting…very intelligent." He remarked one night as they talked on the phone.

"Keep talking…I think you're going somewhere." She said teasing him.

"Why haven't you settled down yet…gotten married?"

She didn't really have an answer. Truth was she was so busy raising Jourdan, trying to establish her spot at work in the law firm she didn't have time for real romantic entanglements. There was the relationship or two. One lasted over two years, but in the end they'd parted ways, amicably of course and after a while she'd gotten used to her routine of work and home.

It had been three and a half years since her last committed relationship, but she hadn't felt 'all in' with any of them. It was almost as if she'd been haunted by a ghost. Haunted by a man who she thought she'd never see again.

It'd been two weeks since he'd gone back to New York. She wanted to see him again.

* * *

The Library 6:15am

He heard the sound of a child's voice Finch thought as he took a sip of his tea, holding onto Bear's leash. The dog got more excited as they got further up the stairs. Was that French? Finch wondered and soon the voices became more distinct.

It was Reese's voice, speaking in French and a child answering on speaker. He heard the resonance of laughter once more right before the call ended. When he finally made it upstairs the smile on Mr. Reese' face was unmistakable.

"Practicing your language skills Mr. Reese? You're up early." Finch said, taking his coat off and hanging it up.

"She's getting ready for school." He said referring to Jourdan. After the comment, the stoic look was back in place, the smile erased despite the fact that Bear was circling his legs looking for attention or the usual doggy treat his master carried with him. "Do we have a number?"

"We do." He said walking around to sit at his desk and rested down a few envelopes and letters beside him. He pointed to a lone photo taped to their board. "Everett Cash. He's 34, works in construction over at Zabresi Construction for the past 7 years. He's married, no kids yet, but he and his wife Lillian just purchased a home two months ago."

"What does the wife do?" Reese asked. "Do we have a photo of her?"

Finch watched Reese as they discussed the details of the rest of the case. For two weeks he had watched for any change, anything that would give him insight into Reese's mind concerning the recent discovery that he was possibly a father, but there were none. Besides the conversation he had happened to overhear and the smile that followed there was no indication that Reese had been affected in any way by the news.

He wondered though if that was a good or bad thing. He knew Reese was capable of compartmentalizing different aspects of his life very easily so perhaps this was just another example of that.

"I'll go see how Everett's day is going so far. Get me some more info on the wife, Finch."

"Just a minute, Mr. Reese. This came in the mail for you today. I thought you'd want to see it." He handed him a slim envelope with the return address for Family Diagnostic Center. Reese looked at the address, simply nodded and folded the envelope into his pocket.

* * *

ONE WEEK LATER

7pm

_**25 Fulton West and 33**__**rd**_

Fusco flipped the business card over and over in her hand. The blood splatter at the top now embedded and dried into the paper right above her name.

She looked at the address on the back once more and walked closer to the building near an alleyway. Someone was sending her a message, but whom?

As she got closer the bad feeling she felt got stronger and stronger. Her own footsteps on the pavement sounded foreign, heavy in her ears. She rubbed her left arm vigorously wishing the nicotine patch would kick in. Right now she craved a cigarette more than ever.

"Detective Fusco." She heard her name uttered; the sound coming from the dark alleyway and her hand immediately went for her service weapon. She looked around to see a man standing in the shadows of a fire escape. She slowly advanced toward him, looking around to see if they were alone and eyed him suspiciously with her weapon raised.

She waved the card in front of him. "I remember you. I know you….." Said Fusco, her eyes narrowed. "You behind this?"

"We share a mutual friend."

"Yeah? Who's that?"

"You know who. The man in a suit. John Reese. Look we don't have much time."

"This is how you choose to get my attention? By killing a security guard?"

"I didn't have a choice. And _we don't have much time_." He repeated and he slowly opened his jacket to reveal a bomb strapped to his chest. She finally lowered her gun and moved towards him.

"I can get you help." She offered.

"Tell our friend, that she's _not_ dead." he continued talking almost as if he hadn't heard her. His words were coming faster, more urgently than before.

What are you talking about? Who is _she_? Who are _you_?"

"Mark Snow…..Look…Tell our friend she's planning something and he needs to get ready. I have to go." He started to walk off. "Wait!" She called after him. "Let me help you."

"You can't. But John can."

* * *

"I need to talk to you."

John heard Fusco's voice on the other end of the line, but he was only halfway listening. He was loading an ice bucket with cubes and he put a bottle of champagne in to chill. He took a tray of strawberries out of the fridge, satisfied that they were cooled just enough to complement the taste of the champagne and set them on the counter.

The mascarpone sauce was on a simmer on the stove and he could smell the herbs mingled with crab, lobster and shrimp in his nose. There was French bread on the counter, sliced and in a bread basket and a garden salad sat beside it on the kitchen island.

He was distracted and not really listening.

"Did you hear me? I said we need to talk John. Meet me at Murray's Bar in a half hour."

"Lana, I'm kind of in the middle of something. Can't it wait?"

"No it can't. It's kinda urgent. I met this guy today. I mean I've seen him before, but we met in this alley today and…."

"Lana, what you do in your down time I'm sure I don't wanna know. Whatever this is we'll talk about this later okay. I have to go."

"Wait!"

Reese disconnected the call upon hearing a knock at the door. Lana's words were forgotten now. He opened it and was pleased to see Joss standing before him. She was gorgeous in dark form fitting jeans and a soft sleeveless tunic and heels, but all he saw was her smile.

"Joss."

"I thought I had the wrong building at first." She said looking up at him. "Hi." He pulled her inside and closed the door behind her, and caught her in an embrace. She felt good, he thought. And it felt good for her to be here.

"I've had client meetings all day." She said as he led her further in. he held onto her hand as she reminded him that she was heading back to Norfolk the next evening.

"Why can't you stay longer?" He asked pulling her closer.

"If only this week would allow me to. I just brought in two new clients. Big ones so I have to oversee the rest of the process at the office." She replied sliding her hand around his waist and leaning into him. "This is a really nice place you have here, John. It's….beautiful."

"Thank you."

"So what do you have planned for tonight?" She said and he pulled her around to face him. "I smell something good."

So did he, he thought inhaling her perfume. His grip around her waist got a little more urgent, his hands dropped to the small of her back and he felt his cock stirring. He pulled himself back, telling himself to slow down, take his time. He'd spent night on the phone talking to her, her voice in his ear. Nights when she was sleepy, her voice dipped and without meaning to, she'd seduced him when she was caught in the throes of a half slumber. He spent nights wanting her, days with her on his mind while he should have been focused on the numbers. Now she was finally here before him and he wanted her so much he almost couldn't keep still.

"Well we were robbed of our night in Paris at Adele's place all those years ago. I wanted to see if I could give you that night back more or less." He saw her brows rise quizzically, then her face softened remembering that night. "There are strawberries, champagne….." He led her into the kitchen and took down two flutes. She walked over to the island popping a strawberry into her mouth.

"These are sweet." She said looking at him and he moved closer to her then not able to help himself any longer. He pressed his lips onto hers, parting them and slipped his tongue inside tasting the strawberry still in her mouth. She was right. So sweet, he thought as he captured her tongue again and again. But if he didn't stop she'd never get to sample anything else. Not food anyway.

He finally released her with great difficulty and poured the champagne.

"Was it your plan for us to make it to dinner at all?" She asked, teasing him, but she was as affected by the kiss as he was. She took the glass from him and took a sip, her eyes never leaving his.

"Speaking of dinner….you're not allergic to seafood are you?"

* * *

A/N Next chapter we find out what the DNA results are and we get to see how the rest of Reese and Carter's evening went.


	10. Two

A/N Just wanted to say thanks again for all the lovely reviews and PM's for the previous chapter. I was elated to get a 1st time review from a reader from Japan and just wanted to publicly say thank you for that. Thanks to wolfmusic for offering ideas and reading my stuff over when I feel stuck.

This chapter is an interesting one. It takes us back to John's loft where we see how his dinner with Joss went. We also flashback to 2003 to an important conversation with Reese and Shaw. Enjoy.

* * *

The flash of his teeth, his smile tickled her.

His blue eyes lit up as he laughed at her anecdote about Jourdan. Since she'd arrived he'd been nothing but jovial, personable and downright charming. She felt relaxed with him in his space, at ease.

Everything about his movements was slight, the way he sat, moved in his chair, touched his face. He made it a point to touch her when he talked, her hand, her arm, a light brushing of his fingers. Everything he'd done made her aware of him. She didn't know if it was the champagne or the subtle way he lured her in all evening, but she felt positively giddy.

"You have really outdone yourself, John." Joss watched him take their empty plates into the kitchen. Their meal had been finished almost two hours ago, but they'd lingered at the table engrossed in conversation, drinking the rest of the champagne and enjoying each other's company.

"I'd forgotten just how good a cook you were. And a good host." She added and followed him, leaning on the counter opposite him. She watched as he rinsed their plates and loaded them into the dishwasher.

"Thank you." He said with a smile. "I rarely have time to prepare something this elaborate. Or have anyone to share it with for that matter. Most of the time I just grab what I can, here and there."

He washed his hands, and she studied him. His clothes seemed almost like a uniform, dark pants, plain white shirt, clean shoes. With his sleeves rolled up she was treated to the sight of his strong forearms and with his head bent downwards, she saw the outline of his neck. His hands wet with soap, the warm water trickling over it and she started to remember other things as well that made her lick her bottom lip.

"But we're not quite done yet."

"What do you mean? There can't possibly be more, I'm stuffed."

"Well make room for a little more." He said drying his hands as he turned round. His expression was almost that of an excited child. His eyes were twinkling. She watched as he moved closer.

"What are you up to?"

"I remember us having a conversation about ice cream before. You remember that?"

"I do, yeah." She remembered the context in which they talked about ice cream and what happened right afterwards. The memory caused her to blush.

"You preferred chocolate back then, didn't you….from what I recall."

"And you were a bit of a chocolate lover yourself from what _**I**_ recall."

"Yes. And I still am. Though, I wonder…if you still like vanilla." He asked as he advanced towards her and he put his hands on the edge of the countertop around her, blocking her in. She craned her neck to look up at him.

"Sadly I haven't tasted vanilla in a while, but….I'm open." She watched his eyebrow shoot up at her answer and he had a smile on his face.

"Well I have something I think you'll like. It's somewhat…..in between what you're normally used to and it's going to wake your taste buds right up." His head was bowed, his voice right in her ear now. Were they still talking about dessert? She had to admit, she was in the mood for something sweet and what he was describing sounded very interesting.

"Tell me about it."

"Well it's a combination of sweet cream ice cream, brownies, caramel…"

"Ooooooh….."

"….pecans, and chocolate fudge to top it all off."

"Sounds like we're going full on over to the dark side tonight."

"Only if you're ready."

"I'm game if you are." She said and he walked over to the freezer pulling out two pints of Coldstone custom packed ice cream containers and opened them. She laughed as he stuck two spoons in them shoving one into her hand. Nothing fancy, just plain old ice cream out of the carton. She dug in and closed her eyes at the taste, making an hmmmm sound as it went down.

"This is soooooooooooo good, John."

He nodded his head. "I had a feeling you'd like it."

"Jourdan would love this."

"How is she?" He asked.

"She's good. She misses you."

"I miss her too." He said quietly. "She's…..she's just….."

"Amazing?" She offered.

"For lack of a better word, yes."

This time she was the one who nodded and smiled at his expression. He'd been incredibly taken with her since the beginning. They started to form a bond already. In less than a month he'd made a tremendous impression on her daughter. It was scary almost. She wasn't afraid of being replaced. She knew that would never happen, but she still wondered how she and Jourdan would fit into John's life. That was still a concern. A concern that she knew needed to be addressed soon.

"She thinks you're pretty amazing too, John. She's been comparing my French to yours. Of course there is no comparison. She's always asking questions about you. Some of them I can't answer, but bottom line…I think it's safe to say she's starting to get used to having you around or at least having some access to you."

He stuck his spoon into the container and looked at her momentarily guessing at her thoughts.

"I worry about her looking for you one day and finding you gone."

She felt like they were finally acknowledging the elephant in the room. There it was. Finally out in the open.

"The last thing you remember about Paris is me disappearing without a word, I know. I know I wasn't there during your pregnancy, while you were raising Jourdan. Would I have been there if I could? Yes. I can't change the past, but I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. I want to be there for her. And for you."

She looked around her then, breaking his gaze and her eyes landed on the envelope from Family Diagnostic Center on the counter next to her. She picked it up and noticed that it was still unopened.

"How long have you had this?" She asked.

"A week maybe."

"And you haven't opened it?" She handed it to him and he took it from her. "Go on, open it, John."

She watched as his fingers tore at the paper, her hands folded in front of her. She knew what it would say. She knew Jourdan was his and he already believed that he was. She wanted to see his face when he saw the actual test results.

It seemed like he took forever to unfold the sheet of paper in front of him and she watched as his eyes looked over the numbers and markers. Were his hands shaking or was she imagining it?

"Well?" She asked and he looked at her with tears in his eyes.

* * *

"She's mine." He said and let out a ragged breath and the full impact of the test results hit them both. Suddenly it all became real. Now he wasn't just hoping, now it had been proven. Now everything he wanted was right before his eyes and all he had to do was take it.

"I'm not going anywhere, Joss." He said and she looked into his eyes questioningly. He knew she was scared as he pulled her in front of him. Her hand on his face was so sweet and soft. He could see she was terrified, still cautious, but he saw bravery behind her eyes.

"I'm here to stay."

* * *

"I'm here to stay." He said.

There was sincerity in his voice. She knew she heard it.

There were voices of doubt screaming in her mind, but she silently pushed them away as she put her hand behind his neck. Gently she pulled him toward her and she kissed him. His hands quickly went around her waist and he pulled her close, almost roughly against him. Her fingers in his hair, his hands moving over her back and she felt like she would melt.

The taste of him on her tongue again, his mouth wet, demanding to connect with hers, this is what she missed, not just for weeks, but for months and years. This is what she hadn't been able to find in any man since him; this passion, this heat. No one else had been able to kindle it inside her except for him.

"John…."

His hands were fisted in the soft fabric of her blouse at her back, his grip on her tight.

"I want you, Joss." He whispered and his tongue snaked out, running over her mouth, lingering on her top lip. He reached up to touch her, his hands on her face, at her neck, searing her all over her body.

She felt dizzy at his touch, with his lips at her throat. She hadn't realized it but she was shaking, almost afraid of what she was feeling, wanting.

* * *

She was shaking in his arms. If only she was aware of how scared he was too. Scared that she'd think he wasn't good enough for them. Scared she'd change her mind and leave right now to go back to Virginia.

"I want you so much, Joss."

He could feel her trembling again as she held onto him and he kissed her, hard this time. His lips crashed onto hers and he heard her gasp as he pulled her closer. Their lips parted for a moment and he caressed her cheek, caught up in the feel of being so near to her.

"You can have me." She whispered and captured his mouth again, pushing her tongue against his. He moaned a little and held her by the waist, pushing her backward, leading her out of the kitchen and over to the couch. He spun her round till her back was to him, bending his head to kiss her neck. His hand moved against her bare skin under her blouse and he pulled it over her head. He undid the clasp of her bra cupping her breasts. They were tender and so soft in his hands and her nipples hardened under his fingertips.

His cock was hard, straining against his pants and he pulled her toward him so she could feel it. He wanted to be inside her, but he didn't want to rush. He made himself wait.

* * *

Joss gasped as his tongue slid into her ear and she felt weak underneath his touch. She unbuckled her jeans letting it slide to the floor and slipped out of her shoes. His hands reached inside her underwear moving his fingers over her. She was wet and his fingers moved expertly inside her, gliding in and out of her, so smooth, so slick.

How did he still know how to kiss her, where to touch and linger so that she would go crazy? She thought. How did he still know her so well? She wondered.

He got out of his clothes quickly and she turned round to look at him. He didn't have the same hard chiseled body as he did ten years ago, but his thighs were toned and strong, his arms muscular and his chest was still firm to her touch. She kissed his bare skin feeling him shudder under her mouth. She reached around to run her hands over his bottom as she licked at his nipples and enjoyed the gasping sound he made.

She realized that after all these years he could still turn to putty under her fingers. She held him in her hands, stroking him as he kissed her, pulling her close, his fingers tightening on her shoulders. He turned her around once more, and pushed her against the couch till she was on her knees.

She felt him in the back of her, his mouth kissing her from her neck down to her lower back. She held onto the back of the chair for support, feeling overwhelmed by the sensations moving through her. She felt his lips kissing on both her butt cheeks, and biting them while he fingered her clit.

"John…"

She hadn't heard him move, but the faint sound of a condom wrapper quietly filled the air and she heard him padding over to her once more. Softly she felt the tip of his cock moving slowly over her opening. Back and forth he teased, while she moved, dying for him to be inside her.

Finally when he did, it felt like a knife slicing warm butter.

Slow. Smooth. Hot.

* * *

John took a sharp intake of breath as he entered her. He was sure he felt her hold her breath too almost like they were feeling the exact same thing at the exact time. For a moment there was no sound and he could feel her closing in on his inches as he pulsed within her.

He was still.

Not moving and he glided his hands across her back over and over. He saw her head loll down, saw her start to grip the back of the couch. He felt the most powerful squeeze inside her and that's when he slowly pulled out. He gritted his teeth and held himself in his hands for a bit then moved his shaft over her butt, bending down to kiss her lower back.

She felt so sweet on him, for a moment he felt he would finish too soon.

"John…." She drew his name out on her tongue, the sound telling him how hot she was for him, how much she wanted him.

He wanted her too.

He entered her again, this time with purpose; to fill her completely, to sheath himself completely. He hovered over her, pumping into her fast, feeling swallowed up inside. He'd lived off of the sound of her laughter for weeks, the sultry mutterings when they were on the phone. Now she let out screams of ecstasy in his hears.

He loved it. He loved it all. The tightness of her on him, the way she fit him like a warm glove, hot and snug.

She bucked against him, pushing against his strokes, calling his name. Why was this just as he remembered all those years ago?

He pushed her legs closed as he pulled out and his next stroke was amazingly intense. She was making mewling sounds, deep in her throat and he reached around to massage her clit, pushing in deeper and deeper. Her legs started to shake and John felt his body start to flush. He groaned loudly as he pressed her further against the chair.

"Joss…." he bit out, gritting his teeth. She screamed out and bent her head over the back of the chair. He could feel her walls start to vibrate on him.

His hands moved to her butt cheeks spreading them as he stroked her long, hard, and slow, just a few seconds more. He collapsed against her, the grunt coming from his throat practically a growl. He felt so warm inside her. So sheathed and folded, still.

* * *

They'd both come. But both of them wanted more.

She knew he wasn't done with her yet. And she wasn't yet done with him.

She straightened up in front of him, careful not to push him out and she drew his arms around her. His hands moved over her stomach, her breasts, her neck and they rocked together, still both reeling from how powerful their union had been. She leaned her head back against him, while he kissed her lightly on her neck.

Couldn't they always stay like this?

"I missed you." He said between kisses and she could feel him slowly pulling out. She hissed at the tremor. "I missed this, being inside you."

"Hmmmmm…I could tell."

Could he hear the smile in her voice? She wondered.

They got off the couch together slowly and she turned around to face him splaying her fingers over his chest. "It wasn't the same."

"No." He said bending down to kiss her cheek. "It was different, better."

She smiled and nodded. "Yeah, it was. But we're not done."

She was happy to hear the throaty grin from him then. "No we're not." He picked her up and carried her over to the bed setting her down in the middle. He hovered over her slightly and she lay back enjoying his kisses on her belly, her chest. She loved the way he nipped at her breasts and teased her nipples.

She played in his hair and let her hands travel over his back and then he finally kissed her mouth soundly.

"I'll be right back."

"Ok."

He went to the bathroom and as he disappeared from sight, she padded over to the kitchen looking for the ice cream. It was soft now, but not entirely melted and she covered both containers, putting them into the freezer. She saw the tray of strawberries and picked it up, taking it over to the bed, popping one into her mouth.

Still sweet, she thought.

* * *

When he got back she was sitting under the sheets, propped up against the pillows with the tray of strawberries in her lap. Her hair was tousled, her skin was glowing and she looked positively radiant.

She held her hand out to him and he got in lying beside her.

She put a strawberry into his mouth, right before she kissed him.

"Hmmm…these _are_ good." He said.

"Yeah, you let me eat most of them by myself. Pity there's no more champagne. It really brings out the flavour."

"I definitely have more champagne. Let me go get it." He was about to get up, but she held onto his arm crawling on top of him instead.

"Wait, wait…..I'm gonna let you get that in a minute. But I have a better idea."

"You do?"

He couldn't concentrate because her lips found the side of his neck and she was coaxing him to life in her hands.

Lower and lower her lips went, blazing a hot trail all over his skin. His stomach trembled under her mouth, her tongue and her teeth as she nipped at hm.

"You know I remember your spot." She teased and ran her hands along his thighs. "But I remember you being sensitive in other places too."

His eyes shut as her lips closed around him, his hands fisted the sheets.

"Josssssssssssss…"

* * *

MARCH 2003

**Rouen, France**

"Tough shell." Reese had remarked two hours after he started work on Shaw's captive. He could see the session would be nothing short of intense. And it had been. It took a lot of work to soften the man up, then another before the pieces of the 'egg' started to break off.

It was coming up on evening when he finally started to talk, realizing his captors knew how to prolong pain without courting death, the release he was looking forward to. He was right though, death would come later, but not before they got the information they needed.

He sat behind a two way mirror and watched as Shaw talked with the man realizing he soon had to leave. He'd left Joss behind and he was supposed to meet her. He had to leave soon if he didn't want to be late. He got up from his chair and tapped on the glass.

Shaw joined him in the room, his eyes showing slight exhaustion, circles under his eyes. He hadn't slept in almost three days and it was starting to take its toll.

"Thanks." He said.

Reese simply nodded, his face serious, his mind elsewhere. "I have to go."

"Where? You're on vacation; Kara said you had some free time. Why don't you wait here and we can head over to _**Pierre's**_ after I'm done here."

Reese shook his head. "I have other plans."

"With who? You got someone waiting for you back in Paris?"

Reese didn't respond. His fingers moved over the back of his neck massaging it.

"You do." Shaw sounded a little surprised. "I thought after…..you know….."

"It's not what you think." Reese said cutting him off. He didn't want to discuss Jessica and he certainly didn't want to discuss Joss. Not here in this place, not right now with Shaw.

"I'm sure it isn't. Come on, look at us. Who'd want a life with someone who does _this_ for a living right?"

Reese turned round to look his friend in the eye. He knew he was right; it's why he ended things with Jessica. Shaw knew it; he himself had been through a similar situation of his own. But for some reason, the words stung him. It was a wakeup call, a warning, a caution to not get close again.

It's what he needed.

"Thank you." Shaw repeated.

Reese walked out without another word. The closer he got to Paris the better he felt. It was like he was being stripped of the events of the day. He wanted to completely wipe it from memory and as he stood in the shower of his apartment he was looking forward to seeing Joss again.

He looked forward to her company, her smile, her amazing laugh. A few moments with her and he knew he'd be fine.

He got dressed hurriedly looking at the time and realizing he was terribly late. He'd have to make it up to her later. He grinned thinking of just the ways to do it. He'd kiss her pout away, the knot between her brows; he'd hold her hand and make it all better.

Their week together was coming to a close end; they didn't have much more time.

_**I want to see her again.**_

It was a crazy thought he knew but it was there. In his line of work he couldn't expect much and he couldn't give much. He was a fool, he knew, remembering Shaw's words.

But he wondered about asking for her number, seeing her sometime or the other. Would she agree to it? Would she be interested? It was worth a try, he thought as he left the apartment and locked the door.

His burst of optimism was quickly brushed away when he came face to face with Kara.

"_**Getting soft there, lover."**_

Four words had brought him back to his harsh reality.

Normal wasn't in the cards.

* * *

MAY 2013

Her toes were curled.

He was so deep, she thought and her body tensed atop him.

She bit her bottom lip. She felt his fingers digging into the flesh of her bottom. His knees were bent and he pushed up into her further and further as she came.

He pulled her close to his chest, angling her butt to meet his upward thrusts and soon he was there too, biting into her shoulder, gripping her back so tight she felt she would break.

It started with her innocently enough. She started to kiss his chest, his stomach, enjoying the sound of his moans in her ears.

She loved the way his face contorted, how he gasped for breath and how his fingers reached for her while her lips were wrapped around his length. She played with him in her mouth, teasing his cock with her lips and tongue till she could see he was almost crazy. She loved her name on his mouth, on his tongue over and over again. Finally he got so impatient for her that he pulled her on top of him.

They moved together, pushing and pulling, giving and taking. Tasting each other, devouring till they were satisfied.

Now they were tangled together once more, wrapped up underneath the sheets. She was exhausted. But she was content.

She snuggled underneath him as his arms went around her.

"You sure you have to leave tomorrow? I'm not ready for you to go back to Virginia just yet." She heard him say.

"I'm sure…" she said as he squeezed her. "I don't wanna leave either."

"So we're in agreement. You stay."

"Hmmm…..I have a better idea."

"Better than you staying?"

"Yeah. Jourdan finishes school at the end of the month. Then it's summer break. We could both come up here for a while and spend a few weeks with you. We could rent a house, see the city, hang out together." She hesitated to say it. Truthfully she'd had the idea since last week, but she wondered if it would be something he'd want given that fatherhood was new to him. "I mean, if that's what you want. I haven't suggested it to her yet….just in case you…you don't want…."

* * *

Reese took a while to digest what she was asking. He could hear Finch's voice in his ear warning him that it wasn't a good idea. He could hear all the reasons why it was risky for them to be in this city where he worked, but it was what he wanted especially after the evening he shared with Joss.

"It's what I want, Joss. It's what I want."

He knew she couldn't see his face in the dark, but he was sure she heard the crack in his voice when he spoke. He felt her take a deep breath and realized for a moment she wasn't sure of his answer.

"Good. I'll tell Jourdan when I get back."

She was still insecure when it came to them. He hoped over time she'd come to fully trust him and his desire to find a way to make a life with them. He was prepared to wait.

"Forget about renting a house. I'll find a place."

"Where?" She asked.

"Someplace nice, spacious, where you'll both be comfortable." He said.

And somewhere you'll both be safe, he thought.

"Ok, I'll trust you."

"Thank you."

"Jourdan is going to be so excited."

"I would hope her mother would be equally ecstatic."

"Her mother already is. Come here." She said and he bent down to kiss her hard. She responded in kind, and her fingers at the nape of his neck were sending shivers through him all over again.

"I can do this all night…" he said kissing her again. "But you'll never get any sleep.

She settled into his arms again, chuckling at his remark.

"Goodnight, baby." She said quietly.

"Goodnight, Joss."

"Wait." She said climbing on top of him. "Just one more kiss"


	11. Dear Daddy

A/N Thank you for your patience while I updated this chapter. Hope you enjoy it.

I own nothing you see here :)

* * *

She was trembling.

How many times had she done that in the last few hours?

She was trembling. Her legs were bent at the knees as she lay against the soft bedding. Her toes started to curl once more and her breath was coming faster. His big hands held the outside of her thighs, his fingers splayed over her skin.

His head was between her legs and she felt him blowing on her. A light gentle breeze that passed over her, so soft but powerful enough to wake up every nerve ending in her sex. She could hear him sniffing her scent as he moved his face closer and closer.

There it was.

The lightest of touches, just the tip, moving up and down and she buried the back of her head in the pillow underneath it.

His tongue was wet as he moved it against her lower lips, kissing her down there, moving his mouth over her opening. His head dipped as he circled his tongue over and around her clit and she raised a leg to drag her heel over his back.

His hands grew stronger on her legs, his fingers dug down into them as he pulled her closer, sticking the tongue in and out, making love to her with it.

Her body was filled with streaks of pleasure; she was marked with it, banded with measures of fierce desire all over her. She was tingling; feeling like she was on fire and it was a delicious form of heat.

She put her hand atop his head as he lingered on her, rocking her hips from side to side, running her fingers over his scalp. She bucked against his mouth, arching her back, licking her lips. Her eyes snapped shut tightly as she started to float and a long drawn out moan sounded deep in her throat.

* * *

He knew.

He knew from the trembling of her thighs and the heat coming from her sex that she was on fire. Her body had responded to him in such an amazing way ever since their first coupling.

He could smell her on his nose, he touched her thighs with his hands, felt her on his tongue and his desire for her had been stronger than ever.

He circled her clit with his tongue and the moans in his ears spurred him on. But instead of moving quick, fast, he slowly tasted her, slowly played with her, slowly made her start to burn. Her hands fisted the sheets, she started to rock and soon, she bucked against his mouth. That's when he knew she was steadily being pushed to the edge.

Her fingernails on his scalp made his naked cock swell, but as much as he wanted to bury himself inside her he restrained himself.

He wanted to make her come.

And so he moved his tongue over her some more, pulling gently on her lips. He sucked on them, held them in his mouth while he heard her struggle to moan his name over and over again. His tongue moved inside of her, and he could feel her juices spill onto it. Her natural scent grew stronger and he could sense she was close.

He licked her fully over her opening then raised his head and when he looked up the sheer force of her pleasure was written all over her face. Her eyes were hooded, her mouth open, and her breathing was heavy.

He kissed her on her Mons, her belly, moving slowly upward until he hovered just above her letting her feel the weight of his cock on her leg, her thigh. They were face to face now, desire gazing at desire. He bent down to kiss her hard, his hand moving over her breast, squeezing her nipple. He kissed her neck as his hand travelled lower, and felt her hands move around his shoulders. Lower still his hand travelled, over and down her belly until he reached her Mons and massaged it. She bucked against his hand again moaning into his mouth.

She gasped when he slid two fingers into her, moving them in and out, fucking her deep, strong.

"Oh John….." She moaned, her voice cracked, practically pleading with him. She didn't need to beg. He continued to move his fingers inside her, over the soft bundle of nerves not far from her opening. His tongue slid into her ear, over her ear lobe, over the tip, then inside again.

Her moans were coming faster now, her movements frenzied, erratic and desperate.

She was close.

"Come for me." He whispered as he watched her face. He held her gaze, his fingers plunging inside her deep. "Come for me." He said again. He bent down to kiss her once more and felt her tense up underneath him. Her fingers bit into his shoulders and the cry that escaped her mouth was loud, throaty. He could feel her tighten around his fingers, could feel her walls start to vibrate.

"John…." She moaned, drawing his name out over her tongue. He watched her, pleasure all over her face. Her cheeks flushed and she grit her teeth as her eyes shut tightly. She bit at her bottom lip as it continued, mewling, screaming, her body rocking from side to side.

* * *

She came hard.

So hard that her fingers bore into John's shoulders and she was sure she left marks. He didn't seem to mind. He hadn't cared that he hadn't been inside her. All he cared about was her release.

He was still looking down on her, and she felt him slowly pull his fingers out, but his hand remained on top of her. He watched her with attentive eyes, almost as if he was studying her, looking at the planes of her face, the curve of her cheeks, her lips.

She felt incredibly taken. Overwhelmed. Owned even.

Yet incredibly special, cherished somehow.

She was back to that same feeling she'd had with him in Paris again. She felt stupid as she began to tear up a little and buried her face in his neck pulling him closer. He reached for her hand and he lowered himself next to her in bed and linked their fingers together.

"What's the matter?" He asked, kissing the back of her hand.

"Nothing." She said smiling at him. "Kiss me."

* * *

AUGUST 2004

"She's eight months old, she is going to walk today, I know it."

Joss ignored the sympathetic look on her mother's face and shook her head. Joss smiled at her daughter in her arms as they walked around the living room. Jourdan was bouncing in her arms, nibbling on her two fingers. Joss quickly slid them out of her mouth.

"Nope no nibbling on fingers. Mommy doesn't want you to wear braces." She cooed at her and was rewarded with a smile.

"She hasn't started creeping yet, baby. But it's okay, some babies take longer than others. Some don't even creep at all. They just get up and start walking."

"Mom. I don't know….I just feel it. Donna, don't you put that camera down. You gotta get this."

She finally set Jourdan down on the ground and watched as her chubby feet wobbled a bit. She held her by the hands and walked with her around the carpet. Donna kept the camera focused on them, the tiny little scene growing suddenly dramatic.

"Walk for mommy, baby." Joss coaxed her. Jourdan only grinned as Joss let one hand go and then slowly, finally let the other hand drop.

Joss took in a sharp breath and they all watched as Jourdan just stood in place. Her mom Evelyn sat forward in her chair and Jourdan looked around sensing that they were all waiting for something.

She looked like she was about to sit down and bent her knees. Just when Joss was about to give up, she straightened up a little and took a tiny step forward. Joss wanted to scream, laugh, clap, anything right now. But she knew the slightest movement would just startle her little baby girl.

"Come on, honey. Come on baby, you can do it. Just one more step for mommy."

Her heart swelled up as she took another step, then another. She took one more before she sat down, but it didn't matter, Joss was the proudest mother on earth right now. She swooped down to pick up her giggling daughter, kissing her cheeks, and swinging her around.

"Donna did you get that?"

She saw her sister nod only through a waterfall of tears.

* * *

2013

7AM

Joss walked out of the kitchen with two hot cups of coffee in her hand. One with cream and sugar, one with just a hint of cream, unsweetened. John was sitting on the couch, watching one of the family DVD's she'd brought for him. They'd watched footage of Joss bringing Jourdan home from the hospital, her baptism, miscellaneous scenes of her eating, sleeping and bouncing in Joss' lap. They'd just finished watching her take her first steps. John was misty eyed and quiet as his eyes stayed glued to the TV screen finally able to see a glimpse of his daughter's first months on earth.

He shut the TV off and looked up at her. She was dressed in one of his work shirts, and liked the feel of the fabric on her skin. She handed him his unsweetened coffee and sat on his lap. Her feet dangled over the side of the couch as she leaned against his chest sipping her own coffee.

"This is an amazing view of the city." She said looking out the window in front of them. "You get to watch it wake up, get to see the sun rise, people moving up and down the streets. Feel that energy. It's very different from Virginia I'll tell you that."

"Are you eager to get back?"

"I want to see my baby. I miss her. I hate leaving her, even for one night." She shrugged and turned round in his lap to kiss him, rubbing her nose against his afterwards. "But I thoroughly enjoyed our date last night. Dinner was nice."

"Hmm…" He said with his hands behind her neck. She kissed him again. "And afterwards?"

"Afterwards was pretty good too."

"Just good?" He asked with his hand travelling up her thigh. She felt relaxed in his arms and turned on again. She hated to leave, but she had another business meeting in two hours. She had to get back to her hotel and get dressed and after her meeting was done, she would head straight to La Guardia.

The phone rang just then and he asked her to get it off the table for him. She glanced at the number and shook her head.

"Speaking of my baby." She handed it to him.

"_Our_ baby." He corrected putting it on speaker.

"_Bonjour, John."_ Jourdan said.

"Bonjour, honey. How are you?"

"_I'm fine. Getting ready for school._ _Grandma's getting ready too._ _What are you doing?"_

"I'm having a cup of coffee with your mother."

"_You're with mom? I've been_ _trying to call her, but I just keep getting her voice mail_." She said.

"Bonjour jeune dame."

"_Mom! Has John_ _been teaching you French?_ _You should let him teach you._ _He's very good."_

"Oh I know that honey." She said and squealed as John bit her on the neck. She slid out of his lap and lay flat on the sofa with her head rested on his thigh.

"_When are you coming home?"_

"I'll be home by five. Grandma's gonna get you from school, okay."

"_John, did mom tell you about my game? The final is next Wednesday._ _You __**have**__ to be there."_

Joss looked up at the conflicted look on his face. She did tell him, but he didn't have the heart to say he wasn't sure he'd be able to be there.

"John's going to try, but remember he has work."

"_John…" _

"I'll try my best, honey. I promise okay."

"_Okay."_ There was still disappointment in her voice as she spoke.

"But there's good news honey. When school is done, you and your mom are going to come here and visit me. You'll be staying for a few weeks. Would you like that?"

Jourdan's screams on the other end of the line confirmed her excitement. And if Joss' mother hadn't come in the room in the next minute she would never have gotten off the phone.

"_I can't wait to see you, John._ _Mom, hurry up and come home._ _I miss you both!"_

"We miss you too, baby. I'll see you soon."

"Go on." John said. "You don't wanna be late for school."

* * *

This was the second time he was seeing Joss off at the airport. He walked her inside again, waited with her, and carried her luggage for her. He even held her ticket in his hand.

"I'm wondering if you're gonna give that back to me or keep it and make me miss my flight." She joked.

He handed it over to her finally, his fingers lingering against hers and he kissed her on the side of her mouth. He'd had a wonderful evening with her and he wanted the time with her to continue. As he stood there so close to her, he wondered if he'd be able to wait till the end of the month to see her again.

"I'll see you soon." He whispered.

"Bye." She said nodding and squeezed his hand before she went to her gate. He watched as she approached the agent when a tall black man walked up to her, tapping her on the shoulder. His eyes narrowed watching them as she spun round. She was surprised at first, but recognition was on her face.

"Paul." He heard her say.

So this was the fiancé who'd cheated on her. He watched as she gave him a hug and he noticed the way his hands lingered at the small of her back, the appreciative glance that Paul cast over her. His jaw tensed. He knew what a look like that meant.

_What did he want? _

Why did he appear out of the blue? According to Joss she hadn't seen him in years.

The rest of the conversation was lost as they disappeared together and walked out of his view.

* * *

2 DAYS LATER

"I'm starting to wonder if you understand what the word '_urgent'_ really means." Said Fusco turning around as she heard footsteps approaching. Reese was walking towards her with a smirk on his face, she noted. She was expecting a scowl after she'd all but demanded he meet her here in McCallum Park. It was early in the morning and she clutched the coffee she had in her hand tightly. Damn it she wanted a cigarette badly.

She noted his gait, his expression through narrowed eyes. He looked unusually chipper, relaxed and dare she think it…happy. She hadn't been able to reach him for almost two days, not since the night she met up with Mark Snow.

When he finally called her, she insisted that they needed to talk. Still he had taken his time getting there and he wasn't moving with the slightest bit of urgency.

"What's going on Lana? What happened to your new boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend? What are you talking about?"

"The last time you called me, you said you met up with some guy you'd been seeing."

"That's definitely not what I said." She tucked a blond lock of hair impatiently behind her ears and downed the rest of her coffee. "This is serious Reese. No joking."

He nodded his head and motioned for her to walk with him to a nearby bench where they sat down.

"Alright, tell me what happened."

"Well I'd seen this guy around the precinct a couple of times, but I never knew who he was. By his suits and his demeanor I figured he was in some top level government position. But he and I never spoke; he only dealt directly with my Captain. I did notice a few times whenever he came around he seemed to query a few of my cases. Whenever I asked the Captain about it, he was very vague in his answers so I hit a brick wall on his identity."

Lana felt a slight breeze move through the air, and it hit the back of her neck. She could feel goose bumps rising on the flesh there and felt a sudden sense of foreboding about the whole thing. She felt very uneasy as she continued.

Reese's eyes were fixed on her as she told him about her business card with the blood splatter she found, the address scribbled on the back and her cryptic conversation with the man in the alley. He bristled as she told him the man's name. She had his full attention now and she noticed his clenched jaw as she mentioned the _'her'_ that Mark Snow had said to warn Reese about.

"You have any idea who he's talking about John?" It was barely noticeable, but he nodded at her question.

"I got a bad feeling about this John. Who's this woman? What's she about? Someone from your past that you thought was long gone?"

"Thanks for the information, Lana. I'll take it from here." He started to get up from the bench, ignoring her questions, but she held onto his arm. She knew John was capable of handling himself, but she found it frustrating that he seemed to only trust her so far. She could already sense him shutting down and if she knew him he would never mention this conversation again.

"I know you have Finch, John. But you two can't deal with this alone. Let me help you. Tell me what you need. Who is this guy?"

"He was my handler back in the CIA. He was the one who recruited me. After my training was done, my partner and I got all of our assignments from him. He's very manipulative and he lies as easily as he breathes. I'd take whatever he says with a grain of salt."

"So you're saying you don't believe that this woman is alive? He had a bomb vest strapped to his chest John. Whoever it is, if it's not her, they got their claws in him deep."

* * *

THE LIBRARY

10PM

Reese was tired by the time he got up the long staircase and sat down in the chair next to Finch. He'd just spoken to Jourdan about two hours ago and bid her goodnight. He told Joss he would call her back when he got home. He missed them. Joss had been gone a few days, but he hadn't seen Jourdan in over two weeks.

He remembered his conversation with Lana earlier that day.

What if she was right?

What if Snow was telling the truth?

It wasn't totally impossible that she'd survived Ordos, he had.

But if she was alive, what did she want and why was she in New York?

If she was here, she'd come looking for him sooner or later. Of that he was sure. According to Lana, Snow said she was planning something. He suddenly realized in his selfishness and wanting to be near Joss and Jourdan, he disregarded the potential danger they could be in by simply being near him.

"Finch…."

His employer turned in his chair, looking at him, waiting for him to speak.

"I think I made a mistake."

* * *

NEXT WEEK

Joss sat at the dining table with Jourdan having dinner. Her food lay before her untouched, but Jourdan happily feasted on the meal before her. Joss was on the phone with her sister Donna and her ear was glued to her cell phone wedged between her head and her right shoulder.

"Oh Donna, I forgot to tell you. Guess who I bumped into at the airport when I was leaving New York?"

"Who girl?"

"Paul Andrews."

"Girl you are lying!"

"I am not. I am so serious."

"Wow. Well when was the last time you saw him?"

"It's been at _least_ five years."

"How did he look? Still fine?"

She rolled her eyes picking up her fork.

"Yes he is still handsome but who cares about that. It was so weird. The last time we saw each other it was awkward and uncomfortable. This time….I swear girl. I think he was checking me out."

Her sister laughed on the other end. "That son of a bit….."

"Donna…."

"All these years later and he's _still_ fishing."

"He asked me out to lunch this week. He claims it's about business. He's trying to sell his house in Fredericksburg."

"And he can't find someone else? I don't trust him."

"I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'll meet with him, hear him out and…see what he has to say."

"Jossy…."

"What? I am in no way interested in Paul."

"What happened to the other guy? Jourdan's father…"

"He's in New York. Jourdan and I are heading there for a few weeks after school closes. She misses him." Jourdan nodded in agreement, then took a long drink of her juice. Joss remembered the night she and John spent together and she unconsciously bit her bottom lip.

"I miss him too."

"You have yet to give me the juicy details of that trip."

"Can't right now since _you know who_ is staring right at me. But we've stayed in touch. We talk all the time. He's called just about every night since I've been back. Jourdan calls him practically ten times a day."

"The poor guy, she can talk you to death sometimes." Both of them laughed.

"It doesn't seem to bother him in the least. He's just been so…..it's like he's doing his best to make up for lost time. It hasn't been long since he's gotten the paternity test results, but…he says he wants to be a part of her life. _**Our lives**_." Joss corrected herself and idly played with Jourdan's hair.

* * *

TWO DAYS LATER

Joss walked the corridor of the law firm to her office. It had been a long day and she'd finally sent her assistant home. She checked her watch and realized she'd have to leave in a few minutes if she didn't want to be late for Jourdan's soccer game. It was the final one and she couldn't miss it.

She picked up her pace and opened the door to her office and was taken aback to see John perched on the edge of her desk.

"Hi." He smiled at her shocked expression and she shut the door behind her walking up to him.

"John. What are you doing here?"

"Couldn't miss the game. And I missed my girls." He said pulling her into his arms. She closed her eyes as she relaxed in his embrace. He smelled so good, she thought. He seemed taller somehow, bigger. He finally released her and she looked up at him.

"I missed you too." She said and he bent down to kiss her. It had only been a short time since she'd been back, but it felt like forever since he'd touched her. "We need to leave now if we're gonna make the game." She said, but his arms were still around her and she remained still. Both were reluctant to move.

"You look amazing." He said, making her smile.

"Thank you. I was surprised you showed up. I figured you'd be too busy."

"I was. I am. But I realized if I'm going to be a part of both of your lives; there are certain moments that I have to be there for. I've missed too many of them already."

She nodded as he let her go and he took her hand as they walked out together. It had been a long time that a man she was involved with came by her office. She ignored the considerable amount of curious looks and outright stares they received as they walked to the elevators.

* * *

The crowd at Pearson Sports Arena at Jourdan's school was huge. Most of the bleachers were filled and Reese wondered if they'd find seats. Joss reassured him that someone was saving them seats in the second row. They walked through the crowd, bumping shoulders here and there with other people finding their ways to their seats or getting last minute refreshments. Reese's eyes went to the field as the players started spilling out of their locker rooms and onto the green.

He scanned the faces of the children gathered round their respective coaches looking for Jourdan. She stood with her team mates at the front and he smiled. Her eyes were fixed on the man, arms were crossed in front of her, a headband around her head; she looked so cute in her uniform.

"Let's go up to the fence, see if we can get her attention. She'd love to know you're here." Joss took him by the hand and they stood at the opening. One of the game officials came by, trying to prevent them from moving any further onto the field. Jourdan's head turned in their direction almost as if she had a sixth sense that her parents were close by. His eyes connected with hers and he saw a huge smile spreading on her face and whatever else her coach was saying was ignored, forgotten as she came sprinting towards them.

She pushed past the official and jumped into John's waiting arms.

"Daddy!" She said, hugging him. The one word tugged at his heart. Since they'd met she'd always called him John. He'd been her friend, her sharer of secrets about girls in her class, the teller of bedtime stories and someone who she practiced her French with. Now it was different. '_Daddy'_ meant she'd really accepted him as her father.

"Daddy I'm so glad you came!" She kissed him on the cheek and he squeezed her in his arms as she held onto him.

"Jourdan!" They could hear her coach shouting her name.

"Go back to your team honey. I'll be here when the game's over. Go on."

He put her down and she ran back to the group waving at him before he and Joss left to take their seats. He looked over at Joss with tears in his eyes. She smiled at him, taking his hand. Everything seemed perfect just then he thought as he looked out onto the field.

The game was about to begin.


	12. Root

A/N Don't panic. That's the author's note for today. Do not panic. Everyone's reviews have me thinking you're all scared. This chapter is a good one. Hope you like reading it as much as I liked writing it. :)

** I don't own anything you see here.

* * *

"Well what do we have here?" Kara was taken aback at the scene before her. She stood far off in the distance watching her former partner as he tightly held what appeared to be a 10 year old girl, give or take in his arms. Standing by his side was an African American woman who smiled up at him right before she took his hand and they both went to sit down.

Kara lowered her camera after snapping a few shots and waited around till the game was over. They all went back to a condo in Norfolk where Kara trailed them. Instead of heading back out for dinner, the three of them stayed at home for the rest of the evening. Kara had broken into the adjacent building in the block of houses in the quiet development. A vacant apartment with a good line of sight into Joss' residence lent to her quiet observation of Reese. She watched through binoculars how he interacted with them, smiled at the little girl who bore an uncanny resemblance to him and how he affectionately touched, looked at who Kara deduced was her mother.

"Nice family you got there, John. And it seems…..you actually care about them." She lowered the binoculars slowly just after the little girl slipped onto his lap at the dinner table. Suddenly she felt sick to her stomach. She'd almost died in Ordos. She was left on her back, bleeding, expecting to die and here he was seemingly happy, content.

"Boy Scout." The words were spit from her lips with scorn. "You were never a real killer, were you, John? Always pretending."

She raised the binoculars again just in time to see him pull the woman's arm as she got up from the table. She bent down to kiss him and the little girl covered her mouth before dissolving into giggles.

"Such a happy family." Kara said. "I've seen enough.

Her footsteps were muffled by the plush carpeting as she walked out.

* * *

Dinner had been wonderful. After Jourdan's team had won the game and she'd celebrated with her team mates, she came running toward him and Joss. She was ecstatic and he couldn't describe the tremendous pride he was feeling right now. Neither could he help but feel grateful and glad that he was here to share this moment with them.

Her team mates were going to a restaurant to eat and celebrate the victory further, but she insisted she wanted to go home with him and Joss.

The meal was simple; of course food was the furthest thing from his mind right now, he was simply glad to be here with them. Joss was by his side and he watched her all night. She took off her jacket that she had on at work and at the game. The sleeveless silk tunic allowed him the sight of her bare arms and a peek at her bra underneath. She was in the middle of a funny story and when she laughed she trailed a hand over his arm. He was surprised that the faint touch caused him to stir in his pants. He caught her eye for a moment and the wide smile on her face faded slowly as she most likely guessed at what he was thinking right then.

She averted her eyes a little, but cracked a knowing smile. He watched her tongue slip out and glide slowly over her lips.

Only Jourdan's chatter brought him back to earth and at the end of the meal she promptly sat herself down in his lap. She was slowly but surely becoming his little princess and he wouldn't have it any other way.

Joss got up to go into the kitchen and he couldn't stop himself from grabbing her arm and pulling her close to peck her on the lips. Joss seemed a little shocked, but she didn't pull away. They hadn't yet told Jourdan about the two of them, she was probably nervous about her reaction. Jourdan simply covered her mouth and dissolved into amused laughter.

"You don't mind that I kissed mommy did you?" He asked as Joss disappeared into the kitchen.

She shook her head, still giggling and her cheeks turned beet red.

"Good. I'm glad you don't mind. Cause I don't want to stop kissing her." He said picking her up and headed for the playroom upstairs. "And I'm gonna keep kissing you too." He said and started to kiss her cheeks. "Are you ticklish?" He asked. "Maybe I should tickle you too, huh? How bout that?"

* * *

Joss grabbed a frozen ice cream cone out of the freezer and opened it, discarding the wrapping paper in the trash. In the distance she could hear Jourdan's excited laughter and after a while she could hear John laughing too. She smiled and realized they went upstairs and shook her head at the two of them playing on the sectional.

"Mom….oooh can I have one?" Jourdan asked spotting the cone. She nodded and their daughter moved swiftly to the door and asked John if he wanted one too.

Left alone in the room together John walked over to her, and pulled her close taking advantage of the moment.

No words.

Just his lips on hers and she felt his tongue slide into her mouth quickly. His hand moved over her breast through the thin fabric of her tunic and his fingers pinched her nipple.

The cone cracked in her hand.

She exhaled as he broke the intimate contact abruptly and returned to the sofa. Somehow he heard Jourdan's steps heading towards them and she hadn't.

"Here you go, daddy." She watched John smile at Jourdan, take the ice cream cone and open it like nothing happened.

She however, was on fire.

* * *

"The situation has escalated Mr. Reese since late this afternoon. I don't think the merger can be held off any longer. If we can't retrieve…"

"I know, Finch I know what'll happen." They were in the middle of a new case. It was a crucial time, and ordinarily he wouldn't leave Finch hanging the way he did. But he couldn't miss Jourdan's game.

"What about Lana and the lead she had on Huggins' wife?"

"We did get a breakthrough; she's heading back to town tomorrow morning."

"Good."

"Mr. Reese….this situation is unique, I know, for the both of us. But I believe you've made the right decision in telling them that they shouldn't come to New York. We both know it's what's best…for everyone."

Reese let out a heavy sigh knowing what he had to do, hating that he had to do it. He heard footsteps approaching and turned around.

"Finch, I'll see you tomorrow." He watched as Joss walked into the playroom, shut the double doors behind her and locked them. She dimmed the lights a bit and walked over to him. She'd let her hair down earlier before they started dinner and now it fanned her shoulders.

He looked at her, seeing desire in her eyes, the way her skirt hugged her thighs, and there was nothing else to be said. She put her arms around his neck and lifted her lips for his kiss. His hands found her waist then moved up till they cupped her breasts.

He felt her pushing him backwards till they reached the sectional and she forced him to sit. She raised her skirt up slowly to her waist as he watched her. Inch by inch more of her skin came into view and she pulled at her panties letting the flimsy almost nonexistent fabric fall to the ground. He reached out to touch her, his hands running over her bare thighs. He roughly pulled her close, kissing her stomach through the sheer fabric of her top. She sat atop him straddling his thighs and pushed him against the back of the sofa.

His hand was over her ass, massaging the flesh there. So soft, he thought, so soft, as his erection strained against his pants. She unbuckled his belt at the waist groaning as he flicked his tongue along her ear.

"Joss, wait." He said as she freed him from his underwear. "Jourdan's here."

"I know. She's out like a light." he felt her press a condom into his palm. "But she's not that heavy of a sleeper, so you'll have to be quiet." She whispered.

When he finally slipped in, the groan that pushed past his throat at the pleasure of her gliding softly over his shaft was buried in her shoulder.

* * *

"Crisis averted." He said it almost triumphantly as he stared down at Finch the next afternoon. "Mr. Huggins is alive and he didn't have to sign over his controlling shares in his company. You should be happy, Harold." Reese said as he connected Bear's leash to his collar and started heading for the door.

"And the other matter, Mr. Reese. What of that?" He turned around slowly and looked Finch straight in the eye.

"They're coming to New York in two weeks."

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

Lana sat in her cruiser mid morning sipping on some hot coffee. She screwed the window down, taking a look at her surroundings outside. She'd been waiting here at this spot for the past twenty minutes but Reese was nowhere in sight.

He loved making her wait she thought and checked her watch again.

Suddenly the back door to the cruiser opened and shut abruptly and she saw Reese slide into the middle of the back seat. She saw his wide grin through her rearview mirror.

"Good morning, handsome. Thanks for showing up on time."

"Well you know I like to make a grand entrance."

"Sure you do." She said not being able to frown at him when he was looking so pleasant and unusually upbeat. "What's gotten into you lately?"

"What do you mean?" Reese asked.

"I mean there's something _different_ about you lately. You seem…..happy. Ever since you took that trip you haven't been the same."

She expected him to brush her comment off, for him to tell her to mind her own business, but he didn't. Something _**had**_ happened while he was away. She was very interested now to know what it was. She watched him fidget with his hands in front of him and he looked down like he was contemplating what he wanted to say next.

He sat back against the seat and reached into his pocket inside his jacket taking out two photos which he handed to her. One of an African American woman and the other of a little girl. She studied the photo of the little girl closely then took a look at John before gazing back at the photo again.

"This isn't….."

"She's my daughter." He said calmly. "The woman is her mother. It's a long story, I can't go into it now, but they're coming to New York in two weeks and I need a favour, Fusco."

She looked back at him through her rearview mirror again. Something had him worried.

"What do you need, John?"

* * *

TWO WEEKS LATER

Joss didn't know who was excited more, her or Jourdan as their plane landed at La Guardia and they went to get their luggage. John was supposed to pick them up at the airport and she looked forward to seeing him with anticipation. She'd gotten some time off at work and she and Jourdan would be spending the next three and a half weeks in New York.

She looked around for his familiar face, but instead saw a tall blonde woman in her late 30's holding a sign up with the word '_Carter'_ on it in quotation. She was confused as the woman signaled to her and she slowly walked towards her.

"Jocelyn Carter?"

"Yes."

"And you must be Jourdan. I'm Detective Fusco, Lana Fusco. Our mutual friend asked me to come get you two." She held out her hand and Joss took it.

"By mutual friend, you mean John."

"Yeah, he's a little shall we say…tied up at the moment and he said he's sorry about that. But he sent me to get you. Here let me help you with that." She took Jourdan's bag away and asked them to follow her.

They came up on what looked like a police cruiser and she told Jourdan to get in while the Detective put their luggage in the back.

As Lana struggled to make small talk, Joss realized she was as nervous and uncomfortable as her voice sounded. But she was making an effort to be polite so Joss helped her by engaging her in conversation too.

"How long have you known John?"

"A little while now."

"And how'd you two meet?"

"Funny story that is. He was trying to ste…." She stopped midsentence looking at Jourdan in her rearview mirror then back at the road. "We met in the park one day."

"That isn't a very funny story." Jourdan said and Lana laughed nervously once more.

"Not the way I told it, no."

* * *

It was after 9pm when John finally made it to the safe house he'd had Lana take Jourdan and Joss to earlier that afternoon. He'd been in Montauk for the better part of the day and hadn't been able to make it back to meet them in time at the airport.

He'd called two hours ago to apologize, and though Jourdan was disappointed that he hadn't been there to pick them up, she was glad she'd be seeing him later.

The house was a nice one. It was a three bedroom brownstone in Cobble Hill that was fully furnished and ready to move in. He'd ordered groceries and had them delivered earlier that week, had a maid service there to clean up and made sure that the cable was working so they could watch TV if they wanted.

As he walked up to the steps and rang the doorbell, he heard the sound of running footsteps on the hardwood floors getting closer and closer.

It was Fusco however who greeted him at the door.

"It's about time you got here. I've been embarrassing myself for the past few hours." She said sheepishly. Jourdan brushed past her then and came straight towards him. She was already dressed for bed.

"Excuse me." She said to Lana. "Daddy!" She said gripping him by the waist. He wrapped his arms around her, ignoring Lana's surprised expression. "Daddy, pick me up."

"What do you mean Lana?" He asked as he lifted Jourdan into his arms effortlessly.

"Your girlfriend is pretty intimidating." She said inclining her head down the hallway. "How do you…? Never mind. I'm leaving."

He locked the door as Lana left and walked into the kitchen looking for Joss.

"Where's your mother?"

"She's upstairs in the shower. We had dinner already. I wanted to wait, but….mom said you weren't going to be there on time." She tried to stifle a yawn.

"Sounds like it's somebody's bedtime." He said as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I _am_ tired." She said as they walked up the winding staircase to the bedrooms. She showed him the room she chose as her own and he clicked the light on once they got inside. He sat with her on the bed for while and after a few minutes of sleepy chatter she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer. He tucked her in under the covers and kissed her goodnight.

Once he got back into the hallway he saw the light on in the other bedroom and walked the distance to where Joss was. The scent of her floral perfume, her lotion filled the air and he inhaled it, longing to see her. He slowly opened the door and walked inside and she turned her head in his direction as he came in.

"Well, look who finally decided to grace us with his presence." She said getting up from the bed. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she wore a short lace nightgown that left little to the imagination. She pulled on her robe tying it shut around the waist as he moved closer obstructing the intense gaze that he'd had fixed on her naked body underneath the lace.

She didn't move to hug him and he could see in her eyes she was a little peeved.

"No greeting for me? No hug? No kiss?" His arms slid around her and she turned her face when he went for her lips.

"I'm not sure if you deserve my kisses. Where have you been?" She asked and he sat on the bed, pulling her down into his lap.

"I had work, Joss. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you."

His hands lightly touched the back of her neck and he rested his head against her shoulder.

"Forgive me?" He felt her hand against the side of his face, he felt her relax in his arms and he breathed a sigh of relief. "You smell so good." He murmured against her lips.

"John, where'd you get this place from?"

"I borrowed it."

"You borrowed a house?"

"From a friend. Why? Don't you like it?"

"If I say no, is there somewhere else we can go?"

"I mean if you insisted on it…but…." She was turning in his lap, and though she wasn't aware of it, the slight movement of her butt was having a serious effect on him.

"Just how many houses are at your dispo…." She broke off as he pressed his lips onto hers and she ran her fingers through his hair.

"You know these clothes have to come off….."

* * *

TWO WEEKS LATER

"Mark Snow is dead."

"What?" Reese wasn't sure he had heard right. Finch passed him a photograph that Fusco had sent to him of Snow's body at the entrance of a DOD facility. Rather the pieces of what was left of it. Apparently as soon as he exited the building the bomb that was strapped to him had been detonated.

"This happened earlier today." Reese's jaw clenched as he looked at it. He couldn't say that he would miss Mark Snow, but he knew that his death meant that Kara was still in New York and that trouble was soon to follow. In fact it had already started.

"Do you have footage from the building? What was he doing there?"

"I've been unable to see inside the building, but news is reporting that a good number of the servers at the facility were taken down for approximately fifteen minutes. The DOD isn't confirming whether or not any of their systems were compromised, but I'm getting Detective Fusco's help. She has a contact there and she'll let us know what she finds out."

"So Kara had Snow plant something at the DOD and when he was finally done, she had no further use of him…."

"…And she killed him. We need to figure out what she's planning next."

"I think it's obvious, Finch. She's coming after me."

"And by extension…..anyone associated with you."

Reese sighed, tossing the photograph onto Finch's desk. He knew Harold wasn't trying to be cruel. He knew underneath his simple sentence lay the truth of what the situation was. The truth of what he'd tried to ignore the first day he laid eyes on Jourdan's photo in Joss' hotel room.

They weren't prone to obvious words of concern about one another in their relationship. Expressions, emotions, heartfelt conversations were few and far between. Suddenly a weight was on him and while he normally would shirk it and focus on eliminating whatever threat lay ahead, right now he wanted nothing more than to lose himself in Joss' arms.

"What do you want me to say Finch? Jourdan, Joss…..they're everything I ever wanted. I know I should have told them not to come here. Maybe I was selfish. Not maybe, I _was_ selfish. I remember watching Jessica cry after we broke up after 9/11. I remember hating it, but I left her behind. I made myself forget her as much as I could. I can't do the same with them. I can't make myself walk away."

After years of belonging to no one, having no family, no one to call his own, he'd been given a second chance.

There was a heavy silence that followed and Bear somehow sensing that Reese was troubled, padded over to him and rested at his feet, offering whimpering cries in the way of comfort. The heavy weight of the animal kept him fixed to the spot, he couldn't move. Bear it seemed was acting as an anchor to ground him, help him stay rooted and secure.

"You have to decide if the danger you're facing is more or less important than the lives of the people you love. It's not an easy decision. I can't make it for you. But I do know all too well, the pain of….."

Finch didn't continue, instead he turned his head away from Reese and stared out the window. He seemed lost in the past, nostalgic and caught up in memories he wasn't able to run away from.

* * *

John arrived at the brownstone with a smile on his face and bouquet of roses in his hand. He kissed Joss on the lips and she was taken aback at the intensity of his embrace as he held onto her. She asked him if everything was alright as she looked up at him.

Her hands trailed along his back, down to his waist and connected with the firearm he had tucked into the band of his pants. He quickly removed her hands and asked if she was ready to go out. She eyed him with mild panic rising in her chest. He put his hand around her neck and kissed the top of her head, but it did little to soothe her.

He took them out that night. They spent some time on top of the Empire State building, the view at night was a thing of beauty. Jourdan was excited as they walked through Times Square and stopped into various souvenir shops, picking up random keepsakes, mugs, key chains, whatever trinkets they wanted. Jourdan asked her for a few extra dollars for a _special gift_ for her daddy.

Instead of a big meal, they ate from a local food truck. John expounded on the virtues of a New York hot dog with all the trimmings telling of the importance of each and every condiment. He seemed like he was giving her all the smiles in his arsenal, liked he'd saved them up just for tonight, especially for her. But she knew something was up. It wasn't until he kissed away a drop of caramel from her lips from a candy apple that she let herself relax just a little.

She laughed as Jourdan covered her mouth again and blushed murmuring 'you two' and shaking her head. This time he let out a genuine laugh and smothered her with kisses and hugs.

They finished off the evening at Madame Tussauds and browsed the wax museum with over 200 amazingly lifelike sculptures before heading back to the brownstone.

They were all tired and Jourdan's eyes were closed by the time Joss put her to bed. She closed the door shut behind her and found John in the bedroom they'd shared since she and Jourdan got here. He'd taken his shirt and shoes off and was standing by the large window in the room looking out over the city. It was almost as if he was expecting something, or someone. The gun wasn't at the small of his back anymore, but lay on top of the dresser a mere few feet from him.

He didn't move when she shut the door, but he briefly turned his head towards her then back out the window. She took her shoes off leaving them by the door, then zipped her dress down in the front and slipped out of it. She walked over to him and slid her arms around him from the back, her nipples pressed against his bare skin.

"Tell me what's wrong, John. What are you afraid of?"

* * *

He needed her to leave. He needed her and Jourdan to go back to Virginia and never come back to New York. But that wasn't enough. Kara could find them wherever they were. He needed them to stay away from him. It was the only way they'd ever truly be safe.

He'd never forgive himself if something happened to them. He wouldn't be able to go on. He knew it. He needed them…like he needed air to breathe. But his needs weren't important, making sure they were safe, was.

"Tell me what's wrong, John. What are you afraid of?"

* * *

"Losing you." His voice cracked, she barely heard him.

"I'm not going anywhere. Jourdan isn't going anywhere."

"But you need to." he said turning around. His eyes were full with tears and that's when she realized that something big was about to go down.

"What are you saying, John?" She said, feeling a sense of dread overtake her.

"I'm saying that you and Jourdan…..you need to pack your things…and you need to take the first flight back to Norfolk in the morning."

"You're kicking us out? That's what's happening? After you told me that you wanted to be a part of my life, _our_ daughter's life….you're gonna kick us out?" The tears in her eyes matched his own. "And then what?"

"You forget that you ever found me."

"And how are we supposed to do that? How is Jourdan supposed to do that? What is wrong with you John?!"

"I'm just trying to do what's best for everyone." He wiped impatiently at the tears in his eyes, while hers were already falling. He seemed terrified, he looked as if he was about to reach out to hold her, but he changed his mind and brushed past her, looking for his shirt.

Was this Paris all over again? Was he leaving them without a trace like nothing ever happened?

* * *

Reese reached for his shirt, feeling like a bastard for the cutting words he'd just said to her. He could hear her sniffing in the back of him, knew she was crying. The tears he couldn't see, but knew were there made him angry at himself. She was hurting just as much as he was. He wanted to go to her, he wanted to soothe her but he knew it was no use.

"I love you." Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper.

His hands froze on his buttons. He hung his head. "No."

"I know it's too soon. I know it doesn't make sense. I know it's been ten years since we've seen each other, but…..I love you John Lucas. It was different back then in Paris. You didn't have any roots to ground you then, didn't have anything to hold you down. But it's different now. You have me, you have Jourdan. We're your family. And we're not letting you go." The tears flowed freely down his face. Her words pierced his hard resilience like a sharp blade.

"Please turn around, John." She pleaded.

* * *

Was he going to leave?

She still wasn't sure. He just stood there, not answering and she wondered if she'd made a fool of herself again.

She felt a fresh set of tears start to fall on her cheeks and felt like she was about to sink to the floor. She put her hands to her face not wanting to accept it but she didn't know what else to do.

Just then she felt his hands at her waist and he lifted her off the floor and into his arms. She threw her arms around him, and he kissed her hard, almost taking her breath away. Hot tears were still running down her face, and their kisses were mingled with taste of them. She grabbed onto him tightly, not wanting to let him go, scared that he would change his mind.

His lips found her neck and other places and they stumbled onto the bed where he took her, passionately, hungrily as if it was their last time.

Afterwards they lay together and he shared some things with her. He told her about his ex partner from the CIA. He thought she was dead, but apparently she was here in New York, right now. He told her he was scared, not only of what she was planning, but of losing them both.

She was scared too. She hadn't seen that part of John's life before, she didn't totally understand it.

But maybe she knew someone who might. John wanted her and Jourdan far away from him before things escalated. He still wanted her and Jourdan to leave. He wanted to deal with this on his own. But he didn't have to. Maybe she could help. Maybe there was some way she could lend assistance.

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

John sat at the breakfast table with Jourdan sipping his coffee. Joss had left early that morning saying there was something she wanted to take care of and she'd be back soon. Jourdan had asked for pancakes and he'd happily obliged. He laughed at how she was practically inhaling them at this moment.

"Slow down honey. You don't wanna make yourself sick. No, that's enough syrup."

"Daddy…"

"That's enough syrup." He said, his voice a little firmer than before, looking at the morning paper and pretending not to notice the extra drizzle she was still pouring from the bottle. He was really turning into a pushover when it came to her.

"I got something for you last night." She said.

"You got something? For me?"

"Wanna see it?"

She didn't wait for an answer, but sprinted up the stairs and came back down with almost the same speed. He wondered where she got all her energy from.

She handed him a flat jewelry box and he opened it. Inside was a thin gold chain with a tiny crucifix on it. He smiled. He hadn't considered himself especially religious for a long time. In fact the last time he went to church he'd probably been around Jourdan's age and he'd gone with a friend. He didn't remember much about the service, or what was said. But there was an old lady he'd sat next to. She'd nudged him the in the middle of the sermon and given him candy. She had kind eyes, he remembered and a beautiful voice when she sang. He recalled the inscription on the back of her bible that had said '_Love Is Patient'._ Those three words had stayed with him for a while but over the years they'd faded from memory. Looking at Jourdan's eyes eager for a look approval of her gift, they seemed so significant now.

"It's beautiful, honey. Thank you so much."

"It's just like mine." She said pointing to the chain round her neck and the tiny crucifix that dangled from it. "Grandma gave it to me for my birthday last year. Whenever I wear it, I think of her. So now when you wear yours, you'll think of me. I love you daddy." She said as she hugged him.

"I love you too, Jourdan."

* * *

Lana was nervous and shuffled her feet.

This would only be her second encounter with John's girlfriend, but she was apprehensive. She found this woman intimidating for some reason. She almost reminded her of John in a way. She didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.

She'd called her early that morning before she'd even had her morning coffee. She had been on edge, without her morning coffee and now she was worried about just what Jocelyn Carter wanted. She stood outside Lyric Diner waiting for her and after a few more minutes she came into view.

She walked confidently toward her, waving as she crossed the street. She was dressed in long gray slacks, a camel coloured asymmetrical top and her hair was pulled back. Even her outfit was daunting, Lana thought.

I gotta shake this. She's _only_ a woman. Just like me.

"Good morning Detective Fusco." Her smile was warm enough, Lana reasoned. "Can I call you Lana?"

"Sure."

"Good. Let's go inside, let me buy you some breakfast."

As they were settled into a booth and drinking coffee, Fusco felt it was best to just get to the point.

"So what's this all about Ms. Carter?"

"Please, call me Joss. And it's about John. He needs our help. Now more than ever."


	13. In Pursuit

A/N Things get very interesting in this chapter. Hope you enjoy.

** I don't own anything you see here.

* * *

Something about this woman made Lana feel like she wanted a cigarette. Badly. It wasn't that she was rude, or obnoxious. She wasn't even pushy. But she sat across the table from her with her arms folded, lips pursed together and her words had Lana confused.

"What makes you think that John needs help? Our help for that matter? Is he in some kind of trouble?"

"The other day you mentioned that you've known John for a while. Do you know about his background? What he used to do?"

Lana wasn't sure what she could tell this woman. She didn't know exactly what John had told her about his past. If there were secrets he didn't want her to know, she didn't want to be the one responsible for spilling them.

"I'm not sure I follow you."

"I think you do. I think you know about John's work in the CIA, but you're not sure exactly what he's told me. So you're a little nervous about what to say next. Look Lana, I care about John and know he's told you about his former partner and how she could possibly be here in New York looking for him."

"He might have mentioned something."

"Well we need to find her before she finds him."

"Just what are you suggesting here?"

"I mean is there some way we can track her down? Find out what she wants?"

"If you know anything at all about John's past, you'd know that that would be a very bad idea for us to do that. John wasn't just in the CIA. He operated by a different set of rules. It was as if he didn't exist in the world. People with that kind of anonymity are capable of doing things, ugly things. They're not like you and me. To voluntarily go looking for this woman is to willingly put yourself and your daughter in danger. John would _kill_ me if he found out I helped you do that."

"There has to be somebody, some way that we can help him find this woman."

"When she's ready to contact him, she will. It's best that you stay out of it."

She watched her purse her lips together stubbornly. This woman wasn't taking no for an answer. Lana shook her head. She was ballsy. She had guts. She would even go so far to call her reckless. She wanted to personally confront the CIA agent who was after John, not knowing or caring how dangerous it was, because she felt she could do something to protect him. It brought a smile to her face knowing that finally John had someone who seemed to genuinely care about him outside the world he lived and operated in. It was bittersweet really.

"The first time I met John, he picked my pocket." Lana grinned at the shocked expression on Joss's face.

"Yep. I was walking in Central Park on my day off when this drunk bumped into me, almost knocked me down. He apologized, made it look good and it wasn't until a few minutes later I realized what he did and I tracked him down. I was gonna arrest him, but…I decided against it. We ended up talking for a bit and I've known him ever since. He got cleaned up after a while, started working with …..Started working…."

"…..with Harold….."

She nodded her head. Apparently there were a quite a few things she _did_ know.

"He's been much better since I first found him. He was lost for a very long time. His past haunted him, things he wished he'd done differently. He's a tough guy, resilient, strong….but he's very sensitive, and he can't seem to forgive himself for what happened in his past. He's changed though ever since you came around."

The more she talked about John, the more this woman became misty eyed. Lana couldn't help think that whatever was between the two of them was strong.

"You mean a lot to him, you and your kid. If you look for this woman, if you try to make contact with her, you'll be nothing more than a bargaining chip to her. Something she can use to get at John. You don't want that."

"I understand what you're saying, I just….can't stand around and do nothing."

"What do you think you _can_ do?"

"What about Harold? Isn't there something he can do? I tried calling him on the number I had for him. He's not responding. Can you reach him?"

* * *

**MaCallum Park**

"_He'll meet you near MaCallum Park in half an hour."_

"_Why can't he meet us here?"_

"_He's kinda paranoid that way. And besides I gotta get to the precinct."_

"_Thank you, Lana. I really appreciate it."_

That was a half hour ago and Joss sat on a bench near a green house in the rear of the park near the children's playground. She listened to the creaking of the swings as two small girls rocked back and forth on them, their hair swinging in the breeze, their happy laughter sounding in the air.

They reminded her of Jourdan. She'd left her with John early this morning and cut her cell phone off. She hadn't wanted John to find her or stop her from what she was trying to do. Maybe she was crazy, maybe she was in over her head just like Lana had said, but she wanted to do something. She had to do something.

She heard a car pull up in the distance and turned around. It was a black Lincoln Town Car and after the engine was powered off, she saw 'Harold Wren' get out. He walked over to her slowly and her eyebrow shot up in surprise, he was still limping. She figured it was all a part of his charade before, part of the persona he created.

As he got near her, she stood up to greet him. He eyed her skeptically as they sat down together.

"Ms. Carter."

"Mr. Wren."

"I must say I was very surprised to find out you wanted to see me."

"You mean after you lied to me the first time we met, you didn't think I'd want to ever see you again. Was that it?"

He turned stiffly toward her not answering, but the shifting in his eyes told her he acknowledged her his prior deceit.

"I'm willing to put that behind us if you're willing to help me…"

"I'm not, Ms. Carter. Lana told me what it is that you want and I don't think that it's a very good idea. In fact I think you are treading into dangerous territory if you attempt to find Kara Stanton."

"I just want to help him."

"Looking for Kara will not accomplish that. Not in the least. You see Kara and John are both different sides of the same coin. They worked together, closely for a long time. They accomplished their missions with precision and skill. But while John retained much of the humanity he'd started out with when he joined the military, Kara didn't. She did a number on him, along with the CIA. John would never forgive himself if something were to happen to you or your daughter."

"Derek knows someone."

"Derek Chambers?" Her mention of the private investigator caused him to turn and face her.

"He has a contact at the CIA, maybe we could leak the fact that she's alive and they'd go looking for her."

"If they do that, they might find John."

"But…"

"How hard do you think it would be for them to deduce that he survived the explosion in Ordos if they find out she did as well?"

She turned away from him then, and turned her gaze back to the children on the swings. He sat in silence next to her, looking in the same direction.

"I'm not one to just stand on the sidelines Mr. Wren. My mother always told me I never could sit still. I don't know if you have any family…children, but….my daughter, she just got to know him and….."

Joss' mind was racing still, going a mile a minute, thinking there was something else that had to be done. She was about to speak when he reached out and put his hand lightly on hers for a brief moment then withdrew it.

"I know what it's like to feel loss, to feel like you have no choices in front of you. I know about sacrifice. I've made my share of them, so has Mr. Reese. But the type of work that he's done, it doesn't allow for much of a personal life, a human connection."

"You never wanted us to come to New York, did you?"

It finally dawned on her. He never wanted her and Jourdan to come here at all. In fact if he'd had his way they wouldn't be a part of John's life either.

"I didn't see the wisdom in it."

It was time to leave; it didn't make sense for her to stay any longer. She would find no help in him.

"Thank you for your time." She got up from the bench, picked up her handbag and started to walk away.

"I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted."

She spun round as he said it. "No you're not. Goodbye, _Mr. Wren_."

* * *

**Cobble Hill**

"_Squirt, Jelly Man. Jelly Man, Squirt."_

"_Jelly?!"_

Both Reese and Jourdan were in the family room of the brownstone watching a movie that was apparently one of her favourites. They were still in their pajamas sitting next to each other on the sofa sharing a bowl of treats Reese had thrown together.

"So is this clown fish ever gonna find his son?" He asked her.

"I won't spoil it for you; you just have to watch it to the end."

"Not even a little hint?"

"Nope."

"You're mean."

He smiled, but in the back of his mind he wondered where Joss was. It was mid day now and she hadn't called to say where she was or when she was coming back. She was a grown woman, she didn't need permission to go where she pleased, but with Kara on the loose he didn't want her or Jourdan out of his sight for very long. He tried dialing her number, but it'd gone straight to voicemail.

"Daddy."

"Yes, honey."

"If I went missing would you come and find me?"

The look on her face as she waited for his answer was so serious at the moment, he was taken aback.

"Of course I would. There's nothing I wouldn't do to get you back and make sure you were safe with me and your mother."

She nodded her head, satisfied with that answer and turned her head back to the TV.

"Now this is the part where Dory speaks _Whale_."

"What?"

* * *

Joss let herself into the brownstone two hours after she left Finch at MacCallum Park. She was plagued by memories of her two meetings this morning. Both of them had been fruitless.

She wandered through the large house, calling out for both John and Jourdan, but it seemed neither of them was home. She went into the bedroom, slipping her shoes off and sat on the bed. She reached for her cell phone in her bag and finally switched it back on. She had alerts for two missed calls and she had a new voicemail. Both calls were from John and so was the voicemail.

He let her know that he and Jourdan had gone out and that he was arranging a 'babysitter' for her and he wanted her to call him as soon as she got the message.

"Babysitter?" She said aloud and lay back on the bed. Her phone started to ring and she answered expecting it to be John on the other line.

"I'm home now, sorry I had my phone off."

"You're back in Virginia?" It wasn't John at all.

"Donna?"

"Yeah it's me. Sorry we haven't talked for a minute. Work has been busy as hell, and home has been an adventure too."

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice right now."

"What's going on Jossy? Last time we talked you had a date with Paul."

"A date?"

"Yes a date. He asked out for lunch and you accepted."

"That was a business meeting. Although he did ask if I was seeing anyone." The whole meeting was very awkward as far as she was concerned. He spent most of it acting very nervous and looked around a lot like he expected someone to appear out of thin air at any minute.

When she asked him if she was okay, he said he was fine.

"And what'd you tell him?"

"Well really it was none of his business but I told him that I was. He seemed to accept that and we kept the rest of the conversation all business."

"Speaking of this someone…."

"He's out right now with Jourdan. I'm home by myself. He loves spending time with her. She loves her daddy."

"What about the two of you?"

"I feel like I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop, Donna. I just…."

"You feel like it's too good to be true you mean?"

She couldn't share what was going on with her sister. Although she wished she could. She needed another perspective, but if she told Donna about what was really going on, she'd never understand. She was having a problem registering it all herself.

"Something like that. I have a feeling….he might leave again. And if he does, I don't think Jourdan would be able to handle that."

* * *

Finch watched Jocelyn Carter get up from the bench beside him. He'd meant to convey empathy as well as sympathy with his words, but he felt as if he'd failed considerably. He truly did understand her feelings of helplessness. He couldn't shake how much she reminded him of Grace, being left behind. She was probably terrified of it happening again, which is why she was making such a foolish and desperate move to find Kara Stanton. But the only person equipped to deal with John's former partner when she did resurface was John himself.

On the drive back to the library he wondered if Mr. Reese was aware of Ms. Carter's actions. He couldn't imagine his partner's approval of her measures in the least. He was sure once he did find out; he would be none too pleased.

She was right, he hadn't wanted them to come to New York, but because he knew all too well how people close to them could get hurt. If anything he'd wanted to spare them all from any pain or danger that could follow them simply because they were involved in John's life.

Now there was a child to consider. Things would not be so easy.

He made his way slowly up the stairs and the further up he got, the louder he made out voices, then laughter between two people. He paused at the top before slowly walking toward the entrance of the main room where he worked and stopped in his tracks at the sight of John standing by the window watching Bear play with a little girl who most likely was his daughter Jourdan.

He'd brought her to the library.

"Mr. Reese….I didn't know we'd be expecting company today." He said as he walked toward them.

"Relax Finch, she's not going to sell our location to the CIA or the any other government agency."

"So this is your equivalent of 'bring your child to work day'?"

He ignored the intense stare Reese gave him and walked over to his desk. Up until now Jourdan had remained silent but as he got closer, she straightened up from playing with Bear and held her hand out to shake it.

"Bonjour, mon nom est Jourdan."

"Sorry, honey. He doesn't speak French."

"Hi! My name is Jourdan." She repeated, in English this time. Her hand was still extended and Finch looked down on her seeing Reese's own eyes staring back at him. Same cheekbones, face, she was the spitting image of her father.

"Hello, Jourdan." He said finally taking her hand.

"His name is Finch." Reese provided.

"Pleased to meet you." He said and sat behind his desk.

"It's nice to meet you Finch. Daddy said it'd be okay if we waited here till we caught up with mom. I hope you don't mind."

"Such a well mannered child, I wonder where she gets that from. and speaking of her mother…." Finch added when Reese opened his mouth to speak.

"What about her?" Asked Reese.

"She and I just had an interesting conversation at McCallum Park a few minutes ago."

"You saw my mom?"

"Honey, why don't you take Bear into the back room for a bit?" Reese waited as the little girl disappeared and he watched as his expression changed from doting father, to one of intense focus. He could see now that he was correct in assuming Reese hadn't known about what Ms. Carter had been doing.

"Just what exactly was this meeting about Finch?"

A voice came from the entrance of the room answering Reese's question for him.

"She wanted his help…..tracking down your former partner."

Finch sat up straight in his chair, while Reese quickly removed his firearm from the small of his back pointed toward the intruder in the library.

"Shaw. What the hell are you doing here?"

* * *

"Now is that any way for you to greet an old friend?" Reese kept his weapon raised. He hadn't seen Shaw in years; he didn't quite know just what his motives were or why he was here.

"Forgive me if I don't rush over and greet you with a hug. Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Aren't you? I promise you, I'm here to help." Reese realized the delicate situation he was in. Jourdan was in the next room, he didn't want to risk her walking in at any minute seeing him with the gun in his hand. But at the same time, if Shaw had wanted to harm them he wouldn't have announced his presence first. He finally lowered his gun, but kept it at his side instead of fully putting it away.

Finch looked skeptical of Shaw, and Reese stood nearer to him as Sam advanced closer.

"What do you know about Kara?"

"I know that she's here in New York. I know that she had Mark Snow captive and she killed him after she used him to plant a virus at the Department Of Defense. That was just a hint of what she was planning. Now she's looking for you."

"Do you know why?" Asked Finch?

"I don't." Shaw said, looking at Finch. "But I do know if I was able to track you here, and at the brownstone you've been staying at, in Cobble Hill, it won't be long before she does too."

Reese kept his face neutral, calm, but inside he knew Shaw was right. He had to move Joss and Jourdan before it was too late.

"And why are you tracking her?" He watched as his old friend stared at Finch, wondering if he should say more in front of him. "Harold's okay."

Despite Reese's reassurance that Finch could be trusted, Shaw remained tight lipped. Reese excused himself and went to get Jourdan, fastening Bear's leash to his collar.

"Finch, we'll be right back."

"And just where are we going?" Asked Shaw as he followed Reese down the steps of the library.

"We're going to take Bear for a walk."

* * *

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

**MacCallum Park**

"She's your daughter?" Reese sat beside Shaw on a park bench as they both watched Jourdan alternate between throwing the ball to Bear and playing with other kids near the swings.

Reese didn't answer, but nodded his head curtly. They didn't come here to talk about Jourdan however. He needed more information on Kara, information that his old friend didn't want to share in front of Finch.

"You were the last person I ever thought would end up having a family. I thought you'd be a company man for the rest of your life. You loved the work, you were good at it. What happened?"

"A lot of things did."

"Really?"

"People change."

"I guess they do." Their gaze moved back to Jourdan. She stopped to give some commands to Bear in Dutch. Reese could hear her speaking the two commands he'd taught her that very afternoon.

"She's beautiful and you love her. It'd be a shame if anything happened to her. Or your woman. Who I assume you also…love."

Reese stiffened at Shaw's words and turned a deadly stare in his direction. He watched Shaw put his hand into his coat and instinctively reached for his gun.

"Relax, John. I just want to show you something." He shoved an old worn photograph toward him. It was a picture of a woman in her mid thirties and what looked to be a two year old girl.

"My woman Elena and my daughter Emily. My family. Or rather, they _were_ my family."

"What happened?"

"Stanton was sent for me, by the agency to retire me. She found us in Rouen one night. It was late. She started at the back of the house, where Elena was asleep with Emily. I was just coming in and…I didn't know she was in the house looking for me. I found them both, dead in our bedroom. My daughter was two years old, a baby and she killed her. I didn't…I couldn't move. Everything I loved was gone. She shot me in the back. I took three bullets. I would have been dead if it wasn't for a neighbor who found me. A neighbor…..I spent weeks in recovery, with no will to live really….trying to piece together why they were dead and I wasn't. They were dead because of me. Because I was selfish enough to think I could be happy."

Reese was sickened by the story as he listened. The silence that followed his words was heavy. It was evident that he still carried around the guilt of being the only survivor. Reese handed the photo back to Shaw, who stared at it, rubbing his thumb over their faces.

"I kept them secret, hidden for years as best as I could. I didn't plan on having a child, but when we had Emily…."

"Do you know why Kara came after you?"

"I reported some Intel I'd stumbled upon. There was a laptop being sold to a Chinese firm with some confidential source code. Someone within the Pentagon was responsible. Instead of acting on it, they seemed to sweep it under the rug. Shortly after, I was given leave."

"Kara and I were sent to Ordos to retrieve a laptop. We were told about this Chinese firm who'd acquired it. We were supposed to find it, and send a signal for them to pick us up. But Snow gave us both orders to kill each other. We figured it out at the last minute and I got away right before they shelled the place. I thought Kara was dead. I made my way back to the States and left everything behind me. I wonder what it is that she wants."

"You'll find out soon enough. When she comes looking for you, you need to be ready."

Reese nodded and waved at Jourdan.

"Your woman was trying to get your friend from the library to help her find Kara."

"What?"

"From what I heard, she enlisted the help of a cop named Fusco too. You might want to look into that. She's doing everything she can to try to _help_ you. Is she aware of what she's getting herself into? Have you told her?"

The idea of Joss anywhere near Kara made Reese not only nervous but angry. Why was she going behind his back creating a possible scenario that would be extremely difficult to resolve and get out of? It was ludicrous and it was stupid and he would deal with it as soon as he saw her.

He called for Jourdan and Bear and both animal and his daughter came running toward him.

"We have to go honey. Come on. Shaw, I'll be in touch."

* * *

Jourdan knew something was wrong; something had changed in her father's mood. Ever since they got back from the park he'd been quiet and he looked angry. She didn't know what to do. They took Bear back to the huge library they were in before and her father had a heated conversation with Finch.

He mentioned her mother and the lady who'd picked them up from the airport when they first got to New York. She was in the back room with Bear, but she could make out a few words of their conversation. Something was wrong and it sounded as if her father wanted them to leave. Harold was telling him that he thought that was a good idea.

She sat down on a chair feeling sad as she fidgeted with her hands in her lap. She didn't understand why he didn't want them around anymore.

* * *

"What's the matter, honey? You okay?"

Jourdan was silent on the ride back to the brownstone in Cobble Hill. Instead of engaging him in conversation like she normally did, she stared out the window and said nothing. She didn't want him to hold her hand when they left the library and went to walk to the Town Car, now she didn't seem to want to speak to him at all.

Something was off.

* * *

Joss looked at Jourdan and John as they entered the brownstone and knew immediately something had gone wrong. Jourdan looked to be on the verge of tears and John looked angry, annoyed.

She ignored the look on his face and put an arm around her daughter. "What's the matter, baby? What's going on?" She took her upstairs to her bedroom and they sat on the bed together. "Talk to me. Did something happen? Tell me honey."

She heard footsteps approach and a knock on the door before John came in. she looked up as he entered.

"Joss, I need to talk to you. It's important."

"I'll be right back, Jourdan." She said following him down the hall to their bedroom.

"What happened to my child?" she said facing him after he closed the door after them.

"Joss…."

"What happened to my child, John? She was fine when I left her with you this morning and now she looks like she's ready to cry her eyes out. What happened to my child?"

"She's _our_ child and I don't know what happened. I've been trying to get her to talk to me ever since we left the library, but she won't say a word to me."

"Where'd you go? Who'd you talk to? Someone must have done something to her, said something."

"We spoke to Harold before we went to the park, who by the way told me about your conversation with him today and with Fusco."

She was still concerned about Jourdan, so any regret and possibly guilt she might have shown over him finding out about her chat with his employer just wasn't there.

"What were you thinking? We spoke last night about how dangerous this situation was. I thought you understood."

"I wanted to help."

"You can't. this is something that only I can fix. You have to stay out of this."

"I didn't want you to do it on your own. I wanted to help you, be there for you."

"This isn't one of your courtroom cases. It's not as simple as a guilty or not guilty verdict. Your lives are in danger, don't you understand?"

She'd told Donna on the phone that she was waiting for the other shoe to drop and she knew it was coming.

"What do you want me to do John? Cause I'm not gonna change. If I care about someone, I want to help them; I want to be their partner. I can't just sit around and wait for this woman to come after me and my daughter. So excuse me for trying to go on the offensive. Which is what you should have been doing."

"You're both leaving. Tonight. Pack your things."

"I'm not going anywhere." She said with arms folded across her chest.

"What?"

"That's what you always do isn't it? You always push people away when you get scared. _I'm_ _not Jessica!_ I won't let you push me away."

* * *

Reese looked at the woman in front of him, refusing to listen to reason. She was fearless, and under different circumstances, he would be impressed. In a way he was. But now he preferred her to be cautious instead of reckless. He was alarmed that she didn't fully appreciate the magnitude of the situation. and he guessed he couldn't fault her for that. There were parts of his past he never wanted her to know or find out about. He never wanted to share some of the things he'd done.

"There are parts of my life, that you can't be a part of. There are places you can't go, things you can't do, Joss. This is one of them. I told you when we first met that _normal_ was never an option for me. Ten years later and that hasn't changed."

"John, you just….."

"This is not up for discussion. This is not something I will compromise on. You and Jourdan, you mean too much to me….and I don't want to lose you. _Do not_ continue this crazy pursuit of yours to find Kara. You won't be helping me. You'll only make it worse."

She walked past him and sat down on the bed. He knew she felt defeated, frustrated. He sat down beside her and put an arm around her shoulder. She leaned her head on his shoulder and he rested his head on top of hers.

"I know you want to help. But you have to let me handle this. My way."

"Okay." Her answer was quiet and reluctant, and he knew it took a lot out of her to let go of the situation.

"You have to trust me."

"I do. I just…..what happened to my child, John?"

He shook his head looking at her. "I honestly don't know what happened to _our_ child. Let's go find out."

Jourdan was lying on her bed when they got to her room.

"Baby you wanna tell me what's wrong? You're starting to worry me." Joss sat down beside her coaxing her to talk.

"I want to go home. I don't want to be here anymore."

"Why not?" Asked Joss looking at John, then back at her daughter.

"I thought you liked it here in New York with me and your mother." John sat down on the bed, and put a hand on Jourdan's arm.

"You said you wanted us to leave. I heard you in the library. You said you didn't think we should stay here anymore and you wanted us to leave tonight. I heard Finch agree with you."

"Who's Finch?"

"The man with the glasses." Jourdan answered.

"Harold? Wha…..?"

Reese shook his head, ignoring Joss' confused expression. The explanation about Finch's numerous aliases would have to wait. Right now he needed to clear the air.

"Honey you misunderstood what I meant. Yes I do want the both of you to leave the brownstone, but it's only because I want you to move to a different house. I don't want you to leave New York yet. You still have another week and a half before you head back to Virginia."

"Then you don't want us to go?"

"No, I don't. I'd miss you too much if you left."

Jourdan threw her arms around him and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm sorry honey."

A little over an hour later, their things were packed and they pulled up to his address on Baxter Street.

"Who lives here, daddy?"

"I do."

After he made sure they were settled in and had a good meal he planted Jourdan in front of the TV and took Joss into the kitchen with him.

"I want you to stay here in the apartment until I get back. if you need anything, you call Fusco or you call Finch."

He could tell she was worried and he wanted to reassure her that everything would be okay.

"When are you coming back?"

The answer to that question was simple at all. He stared down into her brown eyes and raised his hand to touch her face. He ran his thumb over her lips, over her cheek and bent down to kiss her hard. She slid her arm around his waist and fisted her hand into the fabric of his jacket. Her other hand went around his neck and she pressed herself into him. Her lips opened against his, her tongue sought his out. He enjoyed the taste of her, her warmth and she grasped at him, somehow sensing that she might not see him for a while.

He hugged her tight, taking in her scent, her touch, the feel of her against him. He wanted to memorize everything about her.

"I'll call you when I can."

"John…." She called after him as he walked away and he turned round to look at her.

"You come back."

He nodded. "I will."

* * *

MIDNIGHT

John stood beside Finch in the library. They'd been working off of a lead they'd gotten from Shaw earlier on Kara's whereabouts. She routinely went to a warehouse on 271 Fillmore in Buffalo on Tuesday nights. Tomorrow was Tuesday.

Shaw picked up the phone within seconds of Reese dialing the number.

"Shaw."

"Ready to go hunting?"

* * *

A/N Next chapter two former partners come face to face...


	14. Two Spies

A/N John and Kara finally come face to face in the chapter and we find out what it is that she wants. There are some flashback moments in this chapter between John and Joss. Those are in bold italics.

***Disclaimer. I don't own anything you see here.

* * *

"_**John, I can't see anything."**_

"_**That's the whole point, Joss. I don't want you to see. I want you to feel and smell."**_

"_**Do you also want me to fall down?"**_

"_**You won't fall down because I'm holding your hand. And your waist. You don't feel those strong fingers there? Is that what you're trying to tell me?"**_

"_**Well I mean…..the fingers do feel good….but…"**_

"_**That's a man's hand around your waist, Joss."**_

_**She laughed as he teased playfully while he guided her God knows where in the house. But she did love being pulled to his side, her hand clutched in his and the sound of his voice in her ear. Jourdan was already in bed and this being the second day they'd been in New York, he'd been determined to be a good host to them. And an attentive man to her. **_

_**They slowed down a bit and he helped her sit on a chair. A high one and she realized they were in the kitchen.**_

"_**Now what do you smell?"**_

_**She took in a deep breath and reached for the blindfold at her eyes, but he stopped her before she could pull it off.**_

"_**No peeking, Joss. You can't look."**_

"_**John…"**_

"_**Tell me what you smell." He repeated.**_

_**She pouted, almost like a recalcitrant child and slumped a little against the high backed bar stool.**_

"_**Fine." She said, inhaling once more. "I smell something sweet." She turned her head a little guessing at what it was. "Food? Fruit? Is it fruit, John?"**_

"_**It is fruit yes. Good nose there. Try this one; let me see how good your memory is." She heard him moving about a little and wondered what he was doing. "Open your mouth." He said and he slipped something inside telling her to eat it.**_

_**It was sweet, very sweet on her tongue and while she savoured the taste in her mouth he put one in her hand reminding her that it was a Mirabelle plum from one of the markets in Paris they'd gone to. She was surprised and touched that he remembered it from so long ago. It was thoughtful and adorable, but it was just the beginning. **_

_**There were about five more fruits; although the ones that stood out most to her were the dates from Iraq, from when he spent time in Tikrit, a mango that he got from the Caribbean market and reminded him of when he took a trip to Castries when he'd just started work in the CIA. There was even pineapple and he talked about a short trip to Florida with his friend Sam.**_

_**Each fruit, each bite was accompanied by a story, and she relaxed in the chair as he told them. Sometimes his voice was more animated, excited and the picture painted more vivid and she could tell that the trip had been a happy memory for him. She could hear the smile in his voice, sense that his eyes lit up and wished she could look at his face. The story about his time in the CIA was told in a more serious tone. His voice was tinged with a mixture of regret, and dare she think it, shame. She reached for him as he stood to her left, touching his hand. **_

"_**So is there any more?" She asked swallowing a piece of pineapple wanting the moment to continue.**_

"_**Just one." He said and she tilted her head up in anticipation, a smile on her face.**_

"_**Good, I'm enjoying this little taste of the world you laid out here."**_

"_**I'm sorry but fruit tasting is over…..for now at least. But I wanted…..to taste those lips." His hands moved behind her neck and he pressed his lips to hers. His tongue moved inside her mouth quickly, tasting the mixture of fruits there.**_

"_**Hmmm…"**_

"_**Well that was nice too. Kinda delicious, actually." She said as he slowly loosed the blindfold. "What else do you have planned?" She asked smiling.**_

"_**Well I do have a plan." He said.**_

"_**I'm sure you do."**_

"_**We take the rest of the fruit, go into the den, and we watch some old movies. You interested?"**_

"_**Most definitely. Lead the way."**_

* * *

TUESDAY NIGHT 9pm

The air was humid tonight, Reese thought as he and Shaw approached the warehouse together. The air was humid and he felt a thin film of sweat forming above his upper lip. It was also quiet and their footsteps sounded on the gravel underneath their feet.

The building was old, dilapidated, the paint worn and some of the windows on the top level were cracked, some broken. The design of it seemed almost like an old barn and reminded him of the one out back on his parent's land when he was a child. Chicken, cows, horses, he remembered.

He motioned for Shaw to check the back and he went to work, picking the padlock on the door until it opened underneath his fingers. Shaw circled back, the rear of the building was clear and they both took out their firearms as Reese swung the door open quickly. The space was huge, filled with stacked boxes to their right that reached almost to the ceiling. The scent in the air was stale, acrid, indicating the infrequent use of the space and the lack of ventilation on the lower level.

Reese and Shaw cleared the corners, looking for any signs of Kara, but there was none.

"We're here Finch, but Stanton isn't." Reese tapped his ear piece knowing that on the other end, Finch was listening in.

"She was probably expecting you." Finch replied.

There was however, a faint light coming from the back of the large room, a tall lamp whose bulb gave off an eerie, ominous glow. A chair stood beside it and Reese's eyes adjusted to the dim light to notice what was slumped over on top of it.

"There's a body." He whispered to Shaw.

With guns drawn they slowly approached. Shaw swung the chair around and stepped back, both he and Reese looking at the sight before them.

"Oh, he's dead." Said Shaw, taking in the lone bullet wound to the head. He turned away, looking around the room. Judging by the wound, amount of blood, body still being warm, she'd just killed him tonight. Probably not much more than an hour ago. While Shaw looked around, Reese stared more intently at the man's face. He was African American, fair complexion, his height, his features, and suddenly Reese realized he knew him.

"What is it?" Shaw asked as he heard the swear Reese uttered. "You know this guy?"

He nodded.

"Paul Andrews."

"Who?" Both Finch and Shaw asked in unison.

"Joss' ex. She was engaged to him, and recently she bumped into him at the airport. She mentioned that he'd asked her for some advice about putting a house on the market. But she said he acted strangely over their lunch date."

"Kara must have been using him to get info on her. Where she works, her friends and family. She probably even knows where she lives. She's probably been keeping him here for a while."

He had left New York for Virginia. Why would he willingly come back? Reese thought. He raised Paul's sleeves at the cuffs, looking at his wrists, then about his neck and saw a tiny, nearly miniscule incision at the back of it. It was just large enough to implant a micro explosive. She probably threatened to detonate if he didn't return.

Reese nodded, wondering about where Kara was now, wondering if she might have followed them to the loft.

"This place is a dead end. Let's go."

Reese stared at Paul's body, strapped to the chair and wondered how and if he should tell Joss that he'd found him. Although they hadn't seen each other in years and hadn't parted on the best of terms, he doubted she'd feel indifference. If anything she'd feel sadness and regret and would probably blame herself in some way. His eyes raked over the man one more time and he spotted the glare of something white in his jacket pocket.

Maybe it wasn't a dead end Reese thought as he slid a business card for the warehouse owner out of Paul's pocket. Reese flipped it over and saw an address scrambled on the back and a phone number. He quietly tucked it into his jacket pocket and followed Shaw out the door.

"Finch, call the authorities, give them the address of this place. His family must be looking for him."

* * *

_**Reese walked down the stairs and down the hallway to the den in the back of the house. Jourdan was glued to his back, her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. Upstairs he could hear Joss calling after them;**_

"_**You know this child can walk. She started late, but before she was a year old she learned how to use her two feet."**_

"_**Mom's just jealous that you don't lift her up, daddy, don't mind her."**_

_**He laughed, momentarily thinking about last night when he'd lifted her mother up quite a few times long after Jourdan had gone to sleep. She wasn't however on his back at the time.**_

"_**Pretty soon you'll be too big for me to carry around anymore Jourdan. I swear you're taller than you were last month."**_

_**After he settled her in front of the TV he went back upstairs and found Joss lying in bed, her tablet in her hand, studying the screen. He sat down next to her and pulled her onto his lap.**_

"_**What are you doing, John?" She asked as he touched his lips to her bare shoulder. She was dressed casually in shorts and a tank top. His fingers played over her thighs.**_

"_**Our daughter seems to think you're jealous."**_

"_**Of her?" She said laughing.**_

"_**Yes." He said softly while she put both arms around his neck.**_

"_**Maybe I am. Seems like she gets more attention than I do these days. I was wondering if you were planning on having her surgically attached to your body, you carry her around so much."**_

"_**I've missed out on a lot, Joss. Indulge me if I want to carry my daughter around for a little while. I didn't get the chance to do it when she was younger."**_

"_**I know. I'm just messing with you."**_

"_**I do like carrying her mother around though."**_

"_**You do huh?"**_

"_**Yeah, I do." He said looking up at her. "I'm glad I found you again. The night I left in Paris, I was going to ask you if you wanted to see me again. It was stupid, crazy even, since I didn't know when I'd be back in the U.S. again, but there was something about you. I didn't want to lose touch with you just yet."**_

"_**Oh go on. Now you got to tell me just what it was that intrigued you so much."**_

_**Her lips were curved into a mischievous smile, her eyebrow arched. **_

"_**Well, you had an amazing smile, a kind heart. You didn't seem afraid of anything. You seemed to have a kind soul, and I just…wanted to know you better."**_

"…_**..and?"**_

_**They both laughed together.**_

"_**And what?"**_

"_**Oh I know there's more John."**_

_**His face turned serious and he remembered the first time he told her his real name.**_

"_**I just…I felt safe with you. I felt I could trust you. I barely knew you but…..with you I felt like I was …..home."**_

_**She bent her head towards him, kissing him quickly on the mouth. "Hmmm…..home. I like that."**_

"_**And speaking of home…."**_

"_**Yes?"**_

"_**When you left for Norfolk the last time you were here, I saw you bump into your fiancé in the airport."**_

"_**Ex fiancé and I didn't know you saw that."**_

"_**I did."**_

"_**It was weird bumping into him like that. We even ended up sitting next to each other on the plane. He switched seats with another passenger. And we spent some time catching up. He asked about Jourdan, my mom and what was going on at the firm. He was very chatty. Asked me to meet him for a lunch date when we got back cause he wanted to sell his house."**_

"_**And that's all he wanted?"**_

"_**Please tell me you are not jealous of Paul…."**_

"…_**well he was your fiancé for a few years….."**_

"…_**..because that has been over since forever….."**_

"…_**.and you were planning to spend the rest of your life with him. You were devastated after the breakup…."**_

"…_**.I was not."**_

"…_**so broken up about it, you came to Paris."**_

"…_**that was long before I met you. It's over. Finished. Done. Dead."**_

"_**Good. Cause I don't want to lose you again."**_

"_**So you're jealous huh? That's what this about."**_

_**He rolled his eyes at the smug look on her face. **_

"_**Maybe I am….just a little…..jealous. **_

"_**That's something else I like."**_

"_**Come here. Let me give you something else you like."**_

_**He pulled her down on top of him on the bed, enjoying her kisses feeling content.**_

* * *

WEDNESDAY MORNING

Reese and Shaw left Buffalo about 10pm and both took turns on the 8 hour drive back to New York City. When they got back shortly after 6am, both were exhausted and a little hungry. Reese parted with Shaw and headed for the library. He hadn't seen Joss and Jourdan since Monday evening and though he was tempted to call them to ask how they were, he had to follow this new lead on Kara.

He hadn't mentioned the business card or the address to Shaw. Since Kara was responsible for killing his family and very nearly killing him, he didn't want to risk Shaw trying to get his revenge before he found out what she really wanted.

When he got to the library, Finch was already there, waiting for him with a cup of coffee and a deli sandwich from a place they frequented when they needed a quick bite to eat. He picked up the sandwich, unwrapped it and took a bite.

He placed the business card in front of his employer who wordlessly tracked the address. Bear came to stand next to him, placing himself attentively at his side. Reese idly scratched behind the animal's ears.

"It's a small café just outside Manhattan, _Adele's Rose."_

He shook his head at the name. "She's trying to tell me that she knows about Paris, about me and Joss."

"And Jourdan."

He nodded, taking a sip of the coffee.

"It means she has no qualms about bargaining them for whatever it is that she wants if it comes down to it, Mr. Reese. Do you think she knows where they are?"

He shook his head at Finch.

"Does your friend Shaw know about this?"

"No I didn't think it'd be wise to tell him. He's a hot head, and he's got a score to settle with Kara. Its best he doesn't know about this right now."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to call her, see what she wants, so we can figure out how to stop her."

He dialed the number on the card. It seemed to ring endlessly before somebody finally picked up. When they did, he heard Kara's familiar voice. It was deep, soft, and chilling at the same time.

"Hello, John. It's been a long time."

* * *

_**It was early in the morning. **_

_**Really early and Joss was restless. She hadn't been able to sleep the night before. It had been a little over a week and a half since they'd been in New York and John had come home every night to sleep at the brownstone with her. Every night until night before last. He'd left in the early morning and he'd disappeared. No phone calls, no nothing. When he finally came home last night, he had a cut on the side of his face and some bruises along his torso. He'd been working and the nature of the case was such that didn't allow for him to contact her. He tried to brush it off telling her that it was nothing and he'd been in worse scrapes before, been wounded far worse. To him these marks, bruises, were minor. It was all a part of his work and he was used to it.**_

_**She however, couldn't be as blasé as he and they'd ended up arguing with one another, the rest of the night spent in silence, muted movements and minimal eye contact. He managed to drift off to sleep next to her after he'd had a shower and a meal. He'd been a bit irritable and she guessed that he was exhausted. But as he lay beside her, his breath even and deep in slumber, she couldn't shake the fear that maybe one day he'd tell her goodbye and never come back. This time he wouldn't be coming back two days later. This time he'd be dead. **_

_**So she tossed and turned all night, not finding rest and at four in the morning, while everyone else was asleep, she got out of bed, hoping that the warm water from the jet shower head would calm her a bit. She stood under it for a while, her head bowed down as the water ran over her back and shoulders, her eyes closed. Suddenly the shower curtain was yanked across and she jumped back as John looked at her before quietly stepping in.**_

_**He said nothing as he moved closer. He looked apologetic, but in his eyes she could see he understood. He hadn't been used to having someone care about him for so long, someone concerned for his well being, someone who'd be worried about him if he got hurt. He cupped her face in his hands kissing her mouth, pulling her close.**_

_**She wrapped her arms around him and all that had been left unsaid the night before was spoken with their bodies as he made love to her against the tile wall. He moved within her desperately, pouring as much of himself into her as he could while she clung tightly to him, her legs wrapped around his waist. **_

_**He held her afterwards, cradled to his chest, her arms high around his back and he rocked her back and forth soothingly.**_

"_**I'm sorry." He said, his voice soft against the top of her head.**_

"_**I'm sorry too."**_

* * *

"When can we go outside?" Asked Jourdan. She was standing at one of the windows in Reese's loft. It was early morning and she'd spent most of it watching TV. She switched it off finally and was preoccupied by the bustle of the city going on underneath them.

"Baby, I don't know if you noticed, but it's a little dark out. I think it might rain soon."

A few more minutes passed by, but Joss knew the conversation wasn't over. She was dreading the question that she knew was coming soon. She'd done everything to avoid it for the last day and a half. They'd watched movies, played video games, gone online, listened to music. they did everything Joss could think of to distract the both of them from the fact that John had been gone since Monday evening and they hadn't heard from him.

Joss rationalized it to herself. This was normal. This was his life and she would have to get used to it. That's what he said. This was their new reality, but she wasn't sure she liked it at all. She didn't like not knowing what was going on. She didn't quite like sitting still and not being in control. She felt as if she was in the dark, but for now there was nothing she could do but trust John when he said he'd handle it.

"When is daddy coming back?"

There it was, the question she'd hope to avoid, but knew she couldn't.

"He's working baby. Sometimes he has to be away for a while when he's working."

"So when is he coming back?"

Jourdan came to join her on the sofa, leaning on her shoulder.

"I don't know baby. Hopefully soon."

"I hope so. I miss him."

"So do I, baby. So do I."

* * *

_**Reese sat at the edge of the bed, feet spread apart, his two hands clasped together. His jacket, taken off a few minutes ago, lay across the bed beside him, but he was still in his shirt and pants. He could hear Joss walking down the hallway towards the room, having just put Jourdan to bed. The trail of her feet seemed to last forever, and he willed her to walk faster even though the two rooms were just a few feet apart.**_

_**When she entered the room, she closed the door behind her. She was smiling, talking about the evening they'd spent together, how happy Jourdan was to be here with him. He was glad they were here too, the last few days really confirming how much he wanted them and needed them in his life. How much he wanted and needed Joss. **_

_**She noted the look on his face and asked him what was wrong.**_

"_**Come here." He said. **_

_**Her hands caressed the top of his head as she stood between his legs. He pulled at the hem of her tank top, drawing it up over her stomach, pressing his nose into it. He took in her scent, inhaling it, rubbing his hands over her thighs. **_

"_**Joss…." His mouth breathed her name as his hands moved over the clasp of her jeans. He unzipped it quickly pulling it down and bent his head lower to her Mons. He heard her moan softly in his ears and he bent his head lower still to kiss her thigh and let his tongue trail all the way back up to where they met. He kissed her through her panties and felt her fingers on his scalp then.**_

_**He pulled her panties down, ridding her of them and rose from the bed, lifting her up and placing her on it. Jeans and panties lay discarded on the floor in front of him. He knelt before her, burying his face between her legs, nipping at her moist folds, laving her with his tongue over and over again. Her moans were deep and low in her throat, her fingers and the heels of her feet dug into his shoulder and back.**_

_**She rocked underneath his mouth, trembling, wanting him and he strained more and more against the fabric of his pants, his cock hard. She was moaning, now, writhing, grabbing onto his shirt and the smell of her in his nostrils was driving him further and further over the edge. He rose up to undo his belt and freed himself from his underwear. He pulled her closer to the edge of the bed to draw her legs against his chest, her heels at his shoulders**_.

_**He ran his length over her Mons, watching her bite her lip in anticipation.**_

"_**Don't make me wait…" She whispered, but he ran the tip over her opening, teasing her a bit more. She squirmed in pleasure, impatient. "Don't make me wait, baby…."**_

_**He dove in and she arched her back and he lost himself inside her deep, powering into her over and over again. **_

"_**Look at me." He said when she would close her eyes, and he slowly bent her knees, lowering himself onto her till her legs were bent over his shoulders.**_

_**Buried to the hilt he moved within her till the both of them were satisfied and nothing but gasping bodies, sweaty and tangled together.**_

_**He held her close, staring into her eyes, still seeking her mouth, biting her neck. **_

"_**Joss, I…..Joss….."**_

_**He felt full of her. So full.**_

_**He couldn't speak.**_

* * *

Reese didn't put much stock into lucky charms, rabbit's feet or religious emblems. He'd had to make his own luck for so long, create his own opportunities, save his own skin. He wondered if there was anyone up there looking after him, he didn't think he was that important for anyone to care. But as he walked across the street heading to _Adele's Rose_ his fingers fidgeted with the chain that Jourdan had given him and ran his hands back and forth over the crucifix in his pocket.

He sat down at a small booth at the back and looked around. He sat at the back of the booth with a clear view of the door and windows. He looked around for alternative exits in case he needed one, looked at the entrance to the kitchen which was not far from his right. The swinging door opened suddenly, but out came a server carrying a large tray who was very much in a hurry to get to one of his tables.

It was early afternoon now and he felt more than 36 hours worth of fatigue start to take set in. He wasn't sluggish or especially sleepy, but he felt that he'd need to rest soon. The sandwich had done him well, had given him a bit more energy. He was still alert.

It wasn't long after he'd arrived that he saw slight movement close to the door. A group of young lawyer types entered, speaking to the hostess, and they hovered there for a while, their voices carrying through the restaurant. His attention was held by them for a brief moment but he didn't miss the unmistakable stride of his former partner as she made her way from a table at the front and walked toward him.

The years hadn't changed much about her. She looked pretty much the same. Her hair was still long, wavy, about her shoulders. She wore dark clothing and the diabolical smile she possessed in the past was securely in place.

"I was wondering if you'd show." She said sliding into the booth opposite him. "It's good to see you, John, after all this time. Glad to see you made it."

"I'm sure you are Kara. I see you liked being dead as much as I did."

"How bout a cup of coffee? You want one?" She looked away signaling for a server and when a young lady appeared she ordered two cups. "Not bad." She said taking a sip of the brew when it got to the table. "I thought you might like the place, a little throwback to your time in Paris. I remember you liked it there. Met a friend or two there, didn't you?"

There it was. A simple acknowledgment of Joss and her presence in his life. his jaw tensed, but beside that, he made no attempt to show any appreciation of her thinly disguised declaration.

"What do you want, Kara?"

"Straight to business, huh, John. You haven't even touched your coffee yet." She shook her head smiling.

"You didn't want to meet so we could catch up on old times. You want something. Tell me what it is."

"While I was on my back lying in rubble in Ordos, I felt lucky to be alive. Of course I was an unauthorized combatant in the country illegally so that posed a few problems. But I made some friends of my own. I got nursed back to health, I wasn't prosecuted and I was told I could go free. But of course nothing's ever free John. I know you heard about Snow's visit to the DOD. He sang like a bird to your _pet_ Detective Fusco."

She said the name with derision, contempt but he knew she didn't view Lana as a threat; otherwise she wouldn't still be alive.

"But what they gave me in return for planting their drive, was the name of the person who did this to us. The person responsible for us being in Ordos in the first place, the person who sold the laptop. I have his name. I know he's here in New York and I want you to help me find him."

"This scheme of yours, coming to New York, killing Snow, Paul Andrews…..was all about revenge?"

"I don't _just_ want revenge, John. I want to look him in the eye when I put a bullet into his head. I want to see his face; I want to know just who he is. I have his name, but I don't know anything about him, except that he's in New York. But I know that together we can track him down."

Reese couldn't deny he was intrigued, curious even, to know the identity of the person who'd sold the laptop. What he wasn't interested in, was playing espionage games with Kara any longer. He wasn't interested in revenge anymore. He'd moved on, after working with Finch and then even more so when he'd reconnected with Joss. He was a different man now.

"What's his name, Kara?" He asked as she regarded him with an intense gaze.

"Harold Finch."

* * *

A/N Now that John knows what Kara is after, will he give her what she wants? Next chapter we find out.


	15. Out of Time

A/N Things are about to heat up. This chapter includes some minor time jumps.

* * *

"Do you have any idea what you've done?!" Reese's wrath and intense glare at this moment would have leveled the average person. Combined with the volume of his voice which was raised high above his normal tone and he appeared downright deadly. But though Shaw was on the receiving end of it all, he wasn't about to back down or be intimidated by either.

"I know exactly what I've done. It's what I planned to do from the moment I began looking for her. And I won't stop until I kill her."

"I was going to take care of it, but you ruined everything and she got away. You should have let me handle it." He didn't have much time. It was quickly running out and he was wasting even more of it arguing with Shaw.

"Your way is not working! Face it Reese, you shouldn't be angry with me. You should be angry at yourself for not killing her in Ordos when you were supposed to! I have no reservations about doing it. I took my chance. It didn't pan out, but the next time…."

"There won't be a next time because…." Reese broke off at the sound of his cell phone. He impatiently pulled it out of his pocket looking at the caller ID and saw Jourdan's number show up. Normally he welcomed any opportunity to talk to his daughter, but right now he needed to diffuse the powder keg in front of him, and its fuse was slowly being ignited.

"Honey, this isn't…."

"_Daddy! She took mom….she took mom and they left me here…."_

"Wait a minute, slow down…."

"_She took mom!_"

Her voice was frantic on the other line. He could hear the tears in her voice, the panic she felt as she kept repeating the same line over and over."

"Sweetheart I need you to try and calm down, who took your mother?"

"_I don't know…a woman with long brown hair….. We were leaving the market….."_

"Are you still near the market honey? Look for a street sign so I can come and get you. Come on you can do it."

"Okay. Ummm….100 East 67th St."

"Honey is that the Green Dock Market? The one we all went to before together?"

"Yes."

"I'm coming to get you, just stay on the line and don't move, okay? I'm coming to you, honey."

"Okay."

"What is it?" Shaw asked as Reese hailed a cab.

"Kara. She took Joss. That was Jourdan. I have to go get her." Reese opened the door about to get in when Shaw grabbed his arm.

"Now do you realize that there's no time to play games?"

"Shaw, she has Joss. Don't do anything stupid. If anything happens to her….."

"Go get your girl."

When he finally got to Jourdan her cheeks were tear stained, her eyes red and puffy. He picked her up and hugged her, running his hands over her head trying to soothe her as much as possible. He remembered the day at McKenna Park when he'd helped a little girl find her mother. He remembered Shannon's tears that day and how distraught she was at being lost.

His concern for Shannon was amplified by a thousand as he held Jourdan in his arms. She clung to him, arms around his neck, still crying, still upset. She'd never been parted from her mother her entire life. It had always been just the two of them. Joss never left her for long periods of time either, not even for work. Jourdan probably felt lost without her and she was left alone in a city she wasn't yet familiar with.

"It's okay honey. It's gonna be okay. We'll get her back, I promise."

* * *

**TWO DAYS AGO**

"Harold Finch?" John's stoic expression was in place, his face unreadable as he repeated the name to Kara. Though he feigned mild interest mixed with ignorance of Finch's existence inside he wondered at the validity of her claims of his involvement in Ordos and the elusive laptop that had been sold.

"Apparently they haven't been able to find any information on him on no known databases. No photos, no birth records, where he works, lives, nothing. It's almost like he's a ghost. But then again so are we. Ghosts come back from the dead. Wherever he's hiding, we have to find him John."

"How can you be sure they didn't just feed you some guy's name in exchange for doing their dirty work? Have you thought of that Kara? That they might've just used you, like the agency did?"

"I don't believe they did. I believe the name is legit. I want my old partner back. I want us to do this together."

"I'm not the same person, Kara. And you never considered me your partner, not in the truest sense of the word anyway."

"I pulled the trigger, I shot you." She shrugged. "It was the job. It wasn't personal."

"But this _is_. I'm not interested." He rose from the table and walked outside. He heard her footsteps behind him as he continued down the street.

"I didn't come here to be turned away, John. You're _going_ to help me find this guy." Reese glanced down at her hand on his arm. "Or I may have to pay little Jourdan and her mother a visit."

With rapid speed, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to the side of the building. He pushed her up against the side of a wall and wrapped his fingers around her neck.

"If you go near my daughter or her mother, I will kill you. Do you understand?"

"I'm sure you'd try John. But you were never good at that were you?" He felt the hardness of the barrel of a gun at his rib cage and saw a diabolical gleam in her eye. "Now take your hands from around my throat."

He slowly released her, backing away. Her pistol remained aimed at his chest.

"I'm going to forgive your little outburst there. I'm sure you're still sore about Ordos, I understand that. This doesn't need to become a family affair. They never have to see my face. You just help me find Harold Finch and I'll disappear. I'll be in touch."

* * *

Reese looked around as he entered the library. Books were strewn across the vast floor in piles that had been made to clear a path to the stairs. He'd grown accustomed to the smell of old pages, dusty floors and a hanging cob web or two. The first step of the winding staircase was just in front of him and he paused on the first step as he raised his head up looking up at the top.

If Ordos hadn't happened, what would his life have been like right now? Would he still be working for the CIA? Would he still be a killer right now with no family and no idea which mission would be his last? Would he have a purpose to his life like he felt he had now or would the consequences of being a highly trained murderer have eaten away at his soul?

He grasped onto the wooden railing, making his way up the stairs. His footsteps were heavy now and the creaks in the wood were unusually loud in his ears. When he finally reached the top Finch was there waiting in anticipation.

He walked toward his boss, a mixture of emotions running through him. He needed answers. He needed the truth. Finch had never lied to him, but there were times, he hadn't always provided the answers Reese needed.

Even Bear seemed to sense the tension in the room and remained on his bed, his head bent down.

"I heard it all, Mr. Reese. Every word of it."

"So you're really the one who sold the laptop?"

"Yes, I did. There was a lap top, but more importantly, there was source code that was exchanged, a transaction made."

"Tell me."

"It happened shortly after Nathan died. Right after we sold the machine to the government, they spent months trying to hack it, get control over it. It became clearer and clearer to me that we'd handed the machine over to the wrong people. Someone would always try to take control. So I put my code out there as a precaution. As a way for the machine to fight back in the event someone ever succeeded in getting access to it. But I had no way of knowing who'd get hurt by what I did; I never guessed it would be you."

"Kara's not going to stop until I give her what she wants. She's never been one to give up easily."

Finch blanched a little at his comment and inclined his head in the way of a nod.

"What are you going to do?" He asked.

"You did what you had to do, Finch. You did what you felt was right after your friend died. But you've been good to me, you saved my life. I'm not about to hand you over to her so she can kill you. It wasn't your fault."

"I think what we need to focus on right now is getting your family out of harm's way. They can't stay at your loft anymore Mr. Reese."

"I don't want to move them to another safe house, Finch."

"I'm not suggesting another safe house at all. You need to get them out of New York and quickly. Maybe even out of the country."

He knew Finch was right. They couldn't go back to Virginia, not yet. Depending on what Paul had told her, Kara probably knew everything about Joss' life. They wouldn't be safe back at her condo in Norfolk.

He was tired and needed rest and he longed to see Joss and Jourdan. The conversation about them leaving the country was what he dreaded.

He spent the rest of the afternoon making preparations. Purchasing tickets, arranging housing, a bank account, money. He didn't want to leave anything to chance. It wasn't until late that Reese made it back to his loft.

He let himself in and quietly walked over to his bed. Both Joss and Jourdan were asleep and huddled in together under the covers. He bent over and lightly touched Joss' arm, waking her up. She was startled at first, but he put a finger over her mouth so she wouldn't wake Jourdan.

"Shhh…it's me, Joss." He whispered quietly and took her hand. "Come." She got up slowly and followed him into the bathroom. As soon as they got inside he closed the door behind them and switched the light on.

Her hair was tousled, she was wearing one of his undershirts and pajama shorts and her eyes showed relief in seeing him again. She wrapped her arms around him and he held her close.

"I was so worried." She said. "Are you alright?"

"Yes."

"You look tired."

"I am."

"Well let's get you out of these clothes, then." She helped him undress and sat on the bathroom countertop while he got in the shower. He enjoyed the heat of the water on his tired limbs, the clean feeling of his skin after he'd scrubbed with soap and he was glad that Joss was in the bathroom with him even though they were both quiet.

After he got dressed, they sat in the kitchen together as he got something to eat. The silence continued until he was done and with the dishes cleared away he told her quietly that they had to leave tomorrow night. He prepared himself for her protests. She would think he was kicking them out again, pushing them away. He knew she wouldn't like it.

"I take it your meeting with your former partner didn't go well." He didn't know if it was the fact that he'd woken her out of sleep or that she simply didn't want to fight anymore, but she didn't resist. "Where do you want us to go? Back to Virginia?"

"No. Out of the country. You'll leave day after tomorrow. Everything's already arranged."

She raised her eyebrows at the finality of his statement. Something else that was not up for discussion.

"Just like that? I don't have a say, I don't have a choice."

"It's not like that, Joss. We talked about this, remember?"

"This is your life isn't it? I mean you told me that this was your life, but I didn't fully appreciate what it all meant. I've been worried about you for the past two days, wondering if you'd ever come back. Would I ever see you again and if you didn't, how would I explain that to my daughter?"

He watched the expression on her face and saw what looked like disappointment tinged with uncertainty. He decided that he would have preferred her to argue with him instead of look at him like that.

"You do remember that I have a life back in Virginia. I have a job, a home and my family. How long are we supposed to hide?"

Though the tone of her voice was soft, her expression calm, he couldn't help be feel like he was being cross examined on the witness stand in a court room.

"Jourdan has to go back to school eventually."

"I don't know, Joss. I just need you and Jourdan to be safe. That's all I care about."

She nodded her head, though she still didn't seem pleased with the answer. She didn't say another word and walked past him and out of the kitchen. He walked out after her and watched her get back into bed and wrap her arm around Jourdan.

Her silence now was maddening. The conversation, argument, discussion that he was dreading before; he now wanted to have. But she apparently was done.

He stood there for a while watching them before crawling into bed to lie in back of her. His arm went around her waist, but she didn't move. She didn't acknowledge him at all.

* * *

Joss sat on the bed of a cheap motel room where Kara had dragged her and stared at the woman warily. She was shaking a little, not because of the gun in the woman's hand, but because she was concerned about her daughter. She hoped Jourdan had called her father like she'd told her to and that John had gotten to her in time before something happened to her. She remembered her calling after her as she and Kara disappeared down the street and felt bad that she hadn't been able to go to her, wipe her tears away.

She felt terribly terribly guilty. John hadn't wanted them to leave the apartment. He wanted them to stay there until he got back. He said he had a few things to take care of before they left. But a part of her was still angry, wanted to be defiant for how he'd been ordering them around lately. They'd been cooped up inside for days and she wanted to get out. She figured a short trip to the market and back wouldn't be too much trouble.

She'd been wrong.

She swallowed hard as she watched the woman wince, then take off her jacket. Her bare arm showed a tiny trail of blood trickling down reaching almost to her wrist. She turned to look at it in the mirror and swore silently before she reached for the needle and thread on the drawer. There was a bottle of whiskey next to it and she poured a little over it before she began to stitch up the wound on the top of her shoulder.

She put the gun down next to her and leaned on the bureau drawer finally looking at Joss. She smirked for a bit, but grit her teeth as she wove the needle in and out over the small break in her skin. When she was done, she broke the thread and set the needle down before raising the bottle of whiskey to her lips and taking a long pull.

Joss wondered just how she'd gotten injured as she mopped up the blood from her arm with a towel she'd brought from the bathroom.

"Give me your phone." She said straightening up and Joss fished her cell phone out of her pocket handing it to her. She watched as she flipped it over, slid the back cover off and took out a small device, then pushed a few buttons.

"There. GPS disabled. Now we won't have any unexpected company."

Joss couldn't hide the contempt on her face. She guessed she should be scared. She actually was. But even more so she was angry.

"You got a little fire in you there. I like that. I didn't plan for this you know. This is all John's fault. He never could follow orders. Always disruptive. I only asked him for one thing, and he wouldn't give it to me. He tried to kill me instead." She pointed to her shoulder for effect.

"You however _are_ going to help me."

She opened a heavy case on the table to the far left of the room. Joss watched nervously as she removed a needle gun from the case and picked up her pistol from the drawer. She came to stand in front of her with the pistol aimed straight at her head.

"Don't move." Joss could feel her heart beating faster, her breathing quicker as Kara pointed the needle gun to her neck. She squinted her eyes as Kara shot whatever it was right under the surface. She immediately felt dizzy and her hand went instinctively to the area which was stinging now.

"What the hell did you do to me?" She bit out, looking at the blood on her fingers.

"Micro explosive. Connected to this detonator." Kara pointed to the tiny device in her hand. "You'll do exactly as I say, or your daughter will have to bury her mother without a head."

Joss blinked back the tears pooling in her eyes, afraid for her child, afraid for her life, afraid that John wasn't going to find her in time.

"What do you want?"

"Do you know Harold Finch?"

Joss squinted at her question. So all this was about Harold. What did Kara want with him? She didn't speak, but only nodded.

"Call him."

* * *

EARLIER THAT AFTERNOON

The mood in the loft had been thick when he'd left it that morning. He'd hugged and kissed Jourdan goodbye, but Joss had been distant, not saying much to him. She was still upset and he hadn't given her any information on his meeting with Kara. She'd stared at him, wanting him to talk to her, but he didn't, he couldn't. He wanted to spare her the details of Kara's demands. He didn't want to share his fears that she might get to them.

And so he left, but not before telling them once more to stay put and not leave the loft. It came across more like an order regrettably, and he didn't miss the look on Joss' face before he shut the door behind him. He'd have a lot to make up for when this was all over and done with, but he couldn't think about it right now.

He stood by the bridge of McKenna Park overlooking the river in front of him when he heard footsteps behind him. It was Kara who enlightened him on some information she'd found. She was able to find a link between Harold Finch and Nathan Ingram. Apparently Finch had worked at IFT for years as a mid level software engineer.

"I think that job had to be his cover. I think he was working with Ingram, had to be if he was in possession of that type of code so advanced the Chinese wanted their hands on it. We need to get into IFT tonight and see if we can find more records on this guy, or somebody else that would."

"No we're not, Kara."

"What is wrong with you? We're about to find the man responsible for us getting burned."

"The people who burned us were the same people who recruited us. The CIA, the government and Mark Snow, _not_ this man.

She narrowed her eyes at him, straightening up with her arms folded in front.

"You know him don't you? You son of a bitch, you know him. You know where he is."

"Kara…." Before he could finish she charged at him, hitting him in the chest, then going for his eyes. He could feel her fingers begin to bore into his eyeballs and grabbed her hands to push her away. He succeeded but she ended up hitting him solidly on the jaw. John reached out serving a blow to the side of her torso near her waist and she cried out, but didn't fall. She went to hit him again, but he blocked it, hitting her with the side of his hand on her upper back. She staggered away, reaching inside her jacket about to pull out her gun. John didn't miss the quick movement and grabbed for the SIG-Sauer at the small of his back. As she straightened up to fire at him, a lone shot fired through the air grazing her shoulder and Reese turned quickly to see Shaw advancing on them.

Kara seeing she was outnumbered started to flee, with Shaw raining bullets after her. Reese caught up to him, grabbing his arm.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked looking around to see if anyone had witnessed their trade of bullets. "Let's go."

* * *

It had taken a while for Reese to calm Jourdan down. He got her something to eat and asked Lana to look after her. Though she was reluctant to let him out of her sight, Jourdan stayed with Fusco like he asked.

He told her that he wanted her to be safe and he needed to find her mother. She made him promise to come back as she hung on his neck. Her pleading words tugged on his heart as he left her to head over to the library in search of Finch.

* * *

Joss stood near Washington Square Park near the benches watching a few old men play board games. Chess seemed to be the order of the day. In hear ears she could hear the voices of passersby amplified by a thousand. Street performers were entertaining people, dancing, singing, playing all manner of instruments and she heard laughter in her ears. Her senses seemed heightened all at once; colours were brighter, sounds louder, echoing in her ears.

Her head was spinning. She looked down at her hands in front of her. They were shaking and her heart felt like it was about to come out of her chest.

What if he didn't show?

If she didn't return with him like Kara wanted, she'd never see her daughter again.

"Ms. Carter." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath at the sound of his voice then swung round to see him walking toward her.

"Harold." She said with a forced smile on her face. "Thanks for coming to see me."

She moved closer to him and she could see he was confused about her wanting to meet since their last conversation didn't go so well.

"I'm sorry Harold. But I don't have a choice." He stared down at the pistol she pointed at his chest.

"What are you gonna do?"

"What I have to do." She answered. "Come on."


	16. Soldiers

A/N Thanks for being patient while I wrote this chapter.

I don't own anything you see here.

* * *

Joss never particularly considered herself a violent person. Besides a few scrapes in middle school with a bully who tried to harass a friend of hers, and other girls who wanted to test her, she pretty much sorted out altercations with her words and not her fists.

As she got older, any penchant she had for brawling were stamped out by the time she started to notice boys. Who in their right mind would date a girl who had scrapes and bruises every week because she couldn't stop fighting? By tenth grade, she was more concerned with her hair, the extremely dark eyeliner she favoured and thankfully grew out of a year later and put her aggressive past behind her.

No, Joss Carter was not a violent person and she despised herself as she shakily pointed the barrel of the gun towards Finch's chest.

"I'm sorry. I didn't plan this. It's not what I wanted, but…I have no choice."

His eyes opened wide as he stared at her and she felt conflicted. She couldn't do it. She couldn't hurt this man. She couldn't hand him over to Kara, but she knew she had to. She swallowed hard and motioned for him to move and they turned the corner together, their footsteps sounding on the sidewalk underneath their feet.

"Whatever it is you're planning, whatever it is she's forcing you to do…..I urge you to reconsider." He turned to her, his face sympathetic and she felt herself about to cry. She lowered the gun a little taking a deep breath.

"Joss, what are you doing?"

They both turned at the sound of Reese's voice behind them. She felt relief at the sight of him, embarrassment for having put herself in the position to be taken and regret that things had turned out this way.

He grabbed her arm and the gun and pulled her into an alley.

"What are you doing?" He repeated. She was flanked on both sides by the two of them. She put a hand to her forehead feeling dizzy again, her fingers kneading the flesh there. His hand was on her shoulder, his grip firm. When she was finally able to answer she didn't recognize her own voice.

"She told me to call him, ask him to meet me. She wants me to take him…to this address."

She pulled a square piece of paper from her pocket with an address written on it.

"And you agreed to it?" She looked up at him then, his blue eyes boring into hers, almost translucent. She expected him to be angry, upset, but he wasn't. He looked completely calm.

"Jourdan's perfectly alright, Ms. Carter. She's safe. Mr. Reese has made sure of that." Finch said.

She looked at him as tears started to roll down her cheeks. She was glad to know that her daughter was okay. She could only imagine how frightened she was, and must still be.

"Joss…"

"She injected me with something. An explosive of some kind….she has a….detonator." She saw the expression on his face change quickly as she showed him the small incision on her neck where Kara had implanted the device. His fingers ran down the thin straight line and he cupped the back of her neck. The look of concern on his face gave way to a brief sign of panic, so small she thought she imagined it. Immediately he went rigid and his face became a wall of stone.

"She says if I don't bring him back she'll set it off."

"We need to get her back to the library." Said Finch, taking his cell phone out calling for his driver.

"What was I supposed to do?" She was dizzy again and John's steady hand on her back was the only thing keeping her upright.

* * *

In a converted room back at the library, Reese stood with Joss in his arms, holding her while she cried silently. She whispered how scared she was, how she didn't want to die, how she didn't want to lose Jourdan. He stroked her hair, rocked her, patted her back, and did what he could to soothe her.

He was scared too, but he knew he didn't have the luxury of giving in to his fears. He couldn't, not right now, not when time was running out on them. What he wanted was to kiss her, tell her how much she meant to him, and tell her he was afraid to lose her but he didn't. He held himself back. He kept his emotions in check. To her he knew he might appear cold and unfeeling, but he had to treat this as if it was just another mission. It was the only way he could remain focused and try to out think Kara and stay one step ahead of her.

He couldn't let her take Finch back to Kara on her own. He would go with her and he'd enlist Shaw to help them. He'd have to force her to give him the detonator, make sure Joss was safe and get rid of her once and for all.

They had a little less than three hours before Joss had to meet Kara, so every moment counted.

"This is all my fault. If I hadn't gone out…."

"We can't think about that now. It won't change anything."

"Where's Jourdan?" She asked looking up at him.

"She's with Lana at her house. She's alright."

"She was so scared. I hated having to leave her."

"She was very upset. It took me a while to get her to calm down."

"What if I don't make it out of this, John? What's gonna happen to my baby? What if I never see her grow up or…..?" Fresh tears were starting to form in her eyes and he found himself in danger of being consumed by the emotions inside him. He knew he needed to leave, to find Shaw and ask for his help, but he needed to reassure her before he left.

"Stop it. Look at me. I'm going to do whatever I have to; to make sure that thing doesn't go off. I won't let you die. I won't lose…Jourdan's not going to lose her mother."

He pressed a quick kiss to the top of her head and left abruptly. He heard her in the back of him as he walked out, her quiet sobs in his ears.

* * *

Joss sat down heavily on the small army cot in John's room in the library. With her head in her hands she started to cry again, lamenting the situation and everything that was going on. It all started with her search for John. Wanting to appease her daughter, trying to satisfy her curiosity over a brief passionate fling she'd had years ago had led her to this.

She had a career at a law firm as a partner. She had her own firm, a beautiful daughter and the love of her mother and sister. She'd had no man in her life at the moment, but she was happy with her life as it was.

She remembered baking cookies back in her kitchen in Norfolk, going to Jourdan's soccer games, spending time with her in their playroom. She remembered Thanksgiving dinners and opening Christmas gifts around their tree. She remembered Jourdan's laughter ringing in her ears. All happy times, all felt so distant right now.

Her search for something else had led her here.

She'd found it. She'd found John. She along with Jourdan had shared some memorable moments with him, but now in hindsight they felt fleeting, empty. As she wiped at her face she wondered if those moments were worth this.

She had done this. She had brought this on herself and her daughter. She was going to die and her daughter would grow up without her mother. She had little faith in John now. It wasn't that she didn't think he was capable of capturing his old partner. But she doubted he'd be able to persuade her to hand the detonator over to him, not without the fair exchange of Harold Finch. And she was sure that John wouldn't trade him.

No, he valued the man not only as an employer, but as a very close friend.

She just needed to talk to her daughter one last time, tell her she loved her, and tell her she was proud of her. And when she would ask when Joss was coming home, she'd lie to her and tell her soon.

She looked up as she heard the shuffling of feet on the dusty tiles and Harold Finch soon appeared. She wiped at her face again as he approached her slowly. He pushed a cup in her direction urging her to take it and she did.

"Tea." He said standing in front of her. "I'm not a coffee drinker, I'm afraid."

She stared at him while she took the cup.

"Drink it. It'll help calm you." He said.

She had no taste for anything at the moment, but she put the cup to her lips anyway, swallowing some of it.

"Thank you." She said quietly.

He looked at the spot on the bed beside her. "May I?" She nodded and the bed dipped a little when he sat down.

"I'm sorry we never got off on the right foot. Our initial meeting didn't go well. Nor did our second. And then the third time we meet face to face; I pulled a gun on you and tried to kidnap you. Not exactly the start of a good friendship is it?"

"I suppose not."

"I've been a disruption to you, your work with John here…."

He shook his head and closed his eyes for a brief second. "It was never that Ms. Carter."

"Joss." She interrupted. "No need to be formal now."

"It was never my concern about how your presence would interfere with our work, Joss. It was always at its basest level about your safety, you and your daughter's, who I met the other day and found to be quite lovely as a matter of fact. I attribute her personality to you, really."

She was surprised at the trace of a smile at the corners of his mouth.

"How'd you end up doing this? Making this….saving people, helping people your only mission in life? Don't you have a family? Don't you have people who matter to you?"

He looked away then and she realized she hit a nerve. He seemed to wrestle with himself, unsure of what to tell her.

"I…..loved someone…very deeply." He began. "I _still_…love her…very, very much." His voice was so soft, almost as if he was drawing from painful memories. His fingers were clenched on his knees as he went on.

"But I knew that if we stayed together, she would end up being hurt because of me. I couldn't let that happen. I wouldn't. And I made the decision to….."

"…..to walk away." She nodded her head trying to understand him and she wondered if it was all some foreboding for what was about to happen. "Do you think that's what John will do? Walk away again? I mean it's what he does anyway. He leaves. I'm scared that if I don't make it, he's gonna leave Jourdan. I don't want her to lose both her parents. She can't grow up like that."

"She won't, Joss."

"You seem so sure."

"I _am_ sure. I know that Mr. Reese will do whatever he has to, to stop Kara. And he'll do whatever he has to, to protect his family. Because that's what you've both become to him. His family." He stood to his feet and briefly rested his hand on her shoulder before walking off. "And I think at this point, he is unable to walk away from either of you."

"Thank you for the tea." She said, finally smiling a little. "It actually is calming."

* * *

Shaw stood shoulder to shoulder with Reese in a building adjacent to the location where Joss was supposed to meet Kara. They both stared at the sniper rifle that sat on a table in front of them. There were no more words to be said. Everything had been discussed down to the last detail, nothing remained uncovered. Everything was clear.

Kara was going to die tonight. And he was glad to finally be able to pull the trigger.

He worried just a little about John, however. Although he appeared calm and under control, he knew inside he was suppressing his emotions. This wasn't just another mission. Joss was someone he cared about, perhaps even loved if his friend would only admit it. Facing the possibility of losing her was most likely eating away at him inside. He would do what he had to, but he knew he was running out of time, and every minute left was precious.

"We'll get her, my friend. Don't you worry." His words sounded hollow in his own ears, but it was the best he could do. John nodded and turned away. He moved wordlessly past him and walked through the exit, his shoulders heavy with the weight of what was about to happen.

* * *

Reese started up the steps of the library. He gripped the railing tightly as he suddenly felt as if somebody had delivered a solid blow to his torso. He squinted his eyes and took a step back with his hand to his chest and took a deep breath.

His whole body tingled and he realized he was afraid. Not of Kara, not of dying, but afraid of losing Joss, losing Jourdan. He shook his head sharply willing himself to focus. He couldn't allow himself to feel right now. He couldn't allow himself to think about it right now.

With another expelled breath and his grip on the railing firm, he slowly continued his ascent up the stairs. He met Finch sitting behind his desk waiting for him.

"How is she?" He asked Finch.

"Better. She's been resting for a while."

"We have to go." He told him. "Shaw's going to be there tonight. He's already in place." He stalked off toward the bedroom and met Joss asleep like Finch had said. Her knees were drawn close to her and her fist was balled up under her chin. He lightly touched her arm to wake her and she slowly came around.

"John."

"It's time to go." She nodded, getting up slowly from the bed.

"I want to talk to Jourdan first. I need to call my baby."

He nodded, handing her a phone and waited as she talked to their daughter. He listened to Joss' concerned tone, asking Jourdan how she was, telling her she was alright. He could hear Jourdan on the other line asking her when she was coming home. Joss hesitated and looked up at him as if she wanted him to provide the answer. When he was silent, she looked away, closing her eyes.

"Soon, baby. I'll see you soon. Okay? Je t'aime, Jourdan. I love you so much."

"We have to go, Joss."

She nodded hanging up from Jourdan and gave him his phone back.

"Let's go."

* * *

The gun in her hand felt cold, foreign. John had given it back to her, so she could convince Kara that everything had gone as planned. She stood next to Finch in the back room of an old apartment building that was in desperate need of repair. She looked around at the exposed brick and electrical wiring in the place, and a light bulb that was hanging low, dangling from a wooden beam in the ceiling. It cast a dim glow in the room. John was here somewhere in the building. He'd been hiding, so that Kara wouldn't find him when she arrived.

She felt Finch squeeze her hand and turned to him quickly. He stared straight ahead at the door, not looking at her, but she felt an odd sense of comfort from the brief touch.

"Mr…..Harold….if I don't make it out of this…..take care of my daughter." Her voice was strong, steady and she felt a calm come over her. She was ready for whatever was about to happen.

Footsteps were coming down the corridor and she took a deep breath as Kara entered the room. She looked around as she got in, making sure they were alone. Joss' expression hardened at the smug look on her face.

"Nice work, Jocelyn. I must say I doubted you for a minute. I wasn't sure I'd see you again, but I'm glad you disappointed me."

"Did I have a choice?" Joss asked pointing to her neck and it made Kara laugh.

"No, I guess you didn't. And what do we have here? You must be Harold Finch. I finally get to look you in the eye. I finally get to stare into the face of the man who almost got me killed."

Finch stood silent not answering her.

"We had a deal, remember? I bring him to you, you give me the detonator. I kept my end, now it's time to keep yours."

"Oh, about that. I'm sorry Jocelyn, but after you practically handed this guy to me on a silver platter, I might just use you for a few more errands. I'm afraid we've got more work to do." She reached behind her taking her pistol out and aimed it at Finch's chest.

Right now Joss wished the gun at her side was still loaded. There was nothing more she wanted to do right now than to empty a few bullets into this woman's chest.

"But you, my elusive friend….this is the end of the line for you, I'm afraid. You almost destroyed me." The room was silent; the only sound piercing it was the cocking of her gun and suddenly John's voice right behind Kara.

"The detonator, Kara. Give it to me."

Joss felt a chill go up her spine. She'd never seen Reese's eyes look so hard, so unfeeling, and so deadly. Nor had she ever heard him speak that way. His gun was aimed at the base of her skull, but Kara seemed unfazed. The eerie smile that came to her mouth is what caused Joss to suddenly feel afraid.

* * *

Shaw watched as Kara entered the room. He had her firmly in his sights. He could take the shot right now and the souls of his woman, his daughter could finally rest in peace now that their killer was dead. But he held himself back. He kept his finger on the trigger but didn't fire.

He couldn't. Not yet. Not until John had gotten the detonator away from her and Joss was clear of all danger. Only then could he put an end to all their misery.

He watched as she taunted Joss, aimed her gun at Reese's bespectacled friend. She would kill him in another second if Reese didn't move quickly. And then there he was, his gun aimed at the back of her head, but though she dropped her gun she wasn't just about to roll over.

She spun round quickly attacking Reese and knocked the gun out of his hand and far from his reach. They fought viciously against one another, each landing blows against the other. Their movements were so rapid; he couldn't get a clear shot to even wound her.

Finally Reese got the upper hand, delivering a few solid blows about Kara's body and to her face. She reached into her pocket pulling the detonator out, and Shaw knew she had no intention of handing it over. Her finger was just over it and Reese lunged out to grab it, but she stumbled out of his reaching pressing down on the button hard.

That was his cue. She stumbled against a wall, arms spread and he pulled the trigger, the bullet landing right between her eyes.

He closed his eyes for a minute, sliding down to the floor, not believing that it was finally over. He pulled the worn photo of his family that he always carried around out of his pocket and raised it to his lips, kissing it.

"I love you."

* * *

"Is this what you want?" Kara's thumb hovered over the button of the detonator, taunting him. But Reese remained calm as he lunged for it and to his horror; she pressed the button activating the explosive. He could hear Joss gasp in the back of him, and he heard the sound of the bullet as it penetrated the glass when it entered the room. Always an excellent marksman, Shaw got her in the head. He watched her body fall slowly to the floor.

"_John!"_ He heard Joss call his name and her hand was on her neck.

"How much time do we have, Mr. Reese?" Asked Finch as Joss fell to the ground, and he knelt beside her.

"_It's burning!"_ She said, drawing her knees to her chest. _"John! What's happening?!"_

"Around three minutes tops." He said looking around the room frantically. He left the room with Finch calling after him. He heard Joss' screams in his ears. He heard Jourdan's pleas for him to come back and he felt on the verge of losing control. All of the emotions that he'd been pushing down since she'd been taken were now coming to the surface.

He searched the other rooms in the building frenetically looking for an electrical panel. He finally found one and quickly went back to the room where Finch and Joss both were. Finch held her hand, a worried look on his face.

"John…..my baby…tell my baby I…..please…."

"It's gonna be okay, Joss." He said picking her up and took her down the hallway to another room, resting her down on the cold floor. Finch was right behind him.

"What are you going to do?" Finch asked.

He shrugged out of his jacket and put it underneath her head, while she grabbed at him. Her face was sweaty and showed the anguish at the pain in her neck.

"I'm gonna stop her heart." He said getting up and pulled on the chord that hung from the ceiling. He walked up to the panel switching the power off in the apartment and took out his keys turning on the mini flash light on the end of the key chain.

"Hold this." He said giving it to Finch and took out his switch blade cutting the electrical chord leaving the wires inside exposed.

"Mr. Reese are you sure….."

"If we stop her heart, we'll short circuit the explosive and it won't detonate. After that I'll bring her back." He said. "I need something to put in her mouth so she doesn't bite down on her tongue."

"Mr. Reese I don't….."

"Finch if we don't hurry she's going to die. This is our only chance. I can't…I can't lose her. Help me…find something ….."

Finch turned around searching quickly in the dark. They both turned as they heard footsteps and Shaw entered the room thrusting two chopsticks toward him.

"From dinner earlier."

Reese took them and looked down at Joss, tears gathering in his eyes.

"I'm not gonna let you die." He said as she held onto his arm. He put the chord in her hand and held it to her chest and helped her to sit up. "I'm not gonna let you die." The tears were falling fast from her eyes.

"I'm scared." She whispered, shaking her head. "I'm scared, John."

"It's gonna work."

"How do you know? Have you ever done this before?"

He hadn't. It was just a theory. But it was all they had. And he would try anything. He couldn't lose her.

He put the chopsticks in her mouth, telling her to bite down. He walked over to the switch and put his hand on it. Finch stood up and out of the way, crossing his arms in front of him. Shaw stood in front of Joss, looking down on her and for a second everything froze and time seemed to stand still.

_**I love you. I know it's too soon. I know it doesn't make sense. I know it's been ten years since we've seen each other, but…..I love you John Lucas.**_

"Ready?"

She nodded and shut her eyes tightly. He heard a scream rumble in her throat as he flipped the switch on. The electricity travelling through her made her shake; the chopsticks broke between her teeth and her body keeled over as he switched the lever off again.

He laid her straight on her back and smoothed the hair away from her face. Her eyes were open, lifeless, staring at nothing. He moved the bits of chopsticks from her mouth and tilted her head back. Once he was sure her airway was open, he started to work on her.

He ignored everything else around him as he performed CPR. No one else was in the room, not Finch, not Shaw. It was just the two of them and he had to bring her back.

"Come on Joss, come on…Joss…..can you hear me?"

* * *

A/N The concept of disarming the explosive was borrowed from Mission Impossible III, but other than that inspiration, all other ideas in this chapter were mine. Looking forward to the reviews. :)


	17. Fight or Flight

_**A/N This chapter we find out if Joss survives. Enjoy.**_

_****Usual disclaimer. I don't own anything you see here.**_

* * *

_**Daddy, if I went missing would you come and find me?**_

There were questions, voices, so many things swirling around in his head. Reese could feel a film of sweat start to form on his forehead and above his upper lip. He kept the tears at bay, though his eyes were full of them as he performed the chest compressions on Joss and breathed into her mouth.

_**Daddy please come back. Please.**_

Around him, Finch and Shaw were silent, but their attention on him was riveted. Nobody moved, all tense, all waiting. Waiting to see if she would make it. She had to. This had happened to her because of him. He'd never forgive himself if she didn't make it.

_**I'm scared, John. I'm scared.**_

"Come on, Joss. Breathe for me."

"John…." Finch's voice was soft, and somber and indicative of a sense of dread that he didn't want to give in to.

"Mr. Reese." He ignored him, though Finch called his name again.

"Come on, Joss. Come on."

It seemed like hours had passed when it was barely a few minutes. When she finally started to respond, she gasped for air, breathing in and out heavily, and she sat up abruptly not knowing where she was at first.

He grabbed onto her, pulling her close to his chest, finally expelling a long sigh of relief.

"It's okay. I've got you. I'm here, Joss."

She was quiet and still in his arms. And he helped her to get up from the ground, not letting go of her. She wasn't quite steady on her feet, and held onto him for support. The flashlight was still the only illumination in the room and slowly they made their way outside where Finch's car was parked. John helped her into the back seat and got in beside her. Shaw hovered outside and Reese nodded at him, the curt inclination expressing his gratitude.

He stared at the entrance to the apartment, his eyes darkened a bit at the thought of Kara's body still inside. A significant part of his life was over. He felt as if a door had finally been closed somehow, as if he'd just shed a huge part of his identity with her death even though he hadn't been the one to pull the trigger. He felt different somehow.

Finch slid into the front seat, having just hung up from a phone call.

"I have a doctor waiting for us, Mr. Reese." He said starting the engine.

"Thank you, Finch." He said, cradling Joss in his arms. As they pulled off, he watched Shaw in the distance, walking back into the building. He wondered at his reasoning, but was more concerned about Joss right now, who hadn't uttered a word since she'd been revived.

* * *

It was all a dream.

That was how she felt. It had to be. Nothing felt real.

She'd opened her eyes, taken in a few breaths after she regained consciousness, but she felt detached from everything. John had held her close. He'd spoken to her, told her she was going to be alright, but she felt nothing.

They'd taken her to a hospital where a doctor had seen her in a private office. She heard their hushed tones, a rushed explanation about what had happened to her and John stood silently at her side. She was told to sit down on an examination table and John held her hand when she was settled onto it.

The doctor was a brunette of medium height, with kind eyes and a gentle voice but Joss didn't hear a word the woman said to her. She'd given her a local anesthetic and after locating the micro explosive in her neck, she'd made a small incision to remove it. After she'd taken it out, Joss stared at the tiny object. It had been discarded in a metal tumbler on the desk in front of her while the doctor applied a few stitches. It was covered in her blood, so tiny, not even as long as half of one of her fingers, but it had almost ended her life.

_**You however, are going to help me. Don't move.**_

She started to cry again, silently, not bothering to even wipe the tears away as they fell. She didn't sob; she didn't make a sound or even speak. She couldn't.

She swallowed hard.

"She can't feel any pain, can she Meghan?" She heard Reese ask, concerned as he watched her cry. Apparently he knew this woman; right now she didn't care how.

"No, she can't." The doctor replied. After putting some antibiotic ointment on the stitches and putting a small bandage over them she wrote a prescription for Reese to take with him which included something to help her sleep.

On the drive over to his loft, he held onto her again. This time he tried to coax her into conversation. All she could think about was the pain before, fearing for her life, believing she wouldn't see Jourdan again. She couldn't move past that and words right now seemed unimportant and unnecessary.

They got upstairs and off the elevator and he took her into the bathroom once they were inside. He slowly undressed her while he ran some warm water for her bath. He put some of the jasmine oil she liked into the water and he lifted her into the tub. He looked at her for any reaction, movement of any kind.

"Is it warm enough?" He asked her as he lathered her towel.

_**I'm scared, John.**_

She closed her eyes as he ran the soapy cloth over her body. The physical grime and dust of her ordeal was being washed away, but she felt stained, tainted, branded somehow. She obeyed when he told her to lean backward as he washed her hair and she stood still when he took her out of the tub and dried her off.

"I know this hasn't been easy. But you don't have to be afraid anymore, Joss. Kara's gone. I'm here. And you'll see Jourdan soon. I'm going to take care of you now. You don't have to be afraid."

He got her favourite bottle of lotion and applied it gently to her body, massaging it into her skin. She couldn't help think how soft his hands were. So tender and light as they ran over her back, her shoulders and her legs.

Was this the same man who'd fought with his old partner earlier, dealing blow after blow until she was bloodied and bruised? How was it that he was capable of being so gentle now when she'd witnessed him being so brutal earlier?

Was he the same person?

Was she?

His hands travelled up her legs and over her thighs as he put her panties on and he slipped on her pajamas making sure she was comfortable. He dried her hair with the towel, then brushed it away from her face. He parted her hair down the middle as he'd watched her do before and plaited the ends at the back.

"I know you could do a much better job, but…this'll have to do for now, I'm afraid. Do you want something to eat?" He asked her. She finally looked at him then and thought he looked worried as he searched her eyes hoping she'd respond. She opened her mouth to answer, but ended up just shaking her head no.

He walked away, coming back a few minutes later with a glass of water and a pill he wanted her to take. She swallowed obediently, drinking all the water and handing the glass back to him.

"It'll help you sleep. I know you're probably exhausted."

She nodded her head and he helped her get under the covers. The bed was soft and the pillows felt good underneath her head.

She thought of Jourdan. She wanted to see her baby, but not yet. Not like this. Maybe if she slept she'd feel better in the morning. Maybe then everything would be okay. Thankfully it didn't take long for the pills to work and she started to feel drowsy right away.

John sat next to her on the bed, leaning over her, his hand on the side of her face. She started to cry again, feeling ashamed for feeling so full of raw emotions right now, but she couldn't stop the tears from falling.

"I'm just glad you're okay." He said, wiping at her cheeks. He bent down to kiss her forehead. "I'm so glad you're alright. I don't know what I would have done if you didn't make it." He didn't seem to know what to say. It was just as well she thought as she closed her eyes, she was quickly falling asleep anyway.

* * *

Reese sat on the couch staring over at Joss as she slept. She hadn't said a word to him all evening and was mostly unresponsive to everything around her. She wasn't used to this at all, he knew. The past few days had been very traumatic to say the least and while he was accustomed to situations such as this because of his former and current life, she wasn't. Neither was Jourdan. He hated that they'd been through all this because of him.

But somehow he'd make it up to her. He'd help her anyway he could for however long was necessary. He just hoped she knew that he'd be there for her if and whenever she needed him. He eventually got into bed, and drifted off to sleep himself with his arm around her.

The next morning while she was sleeping he'd had Finch bring Jourdan over. She was glad to see that both her parents were safe. The fierce way she held onto him when she saw him was matched only with her smile as she looked down at her mother. It took a lot of convincing, but he was firm and she agreed not to wake Joss up and let her sleep a little longer.

"She's tired honey and she needs her sleep. Have you had breakfast? I made your favourite. Come on." He took her into the kitchen and together they sat on the countertops while they ate. Her voice echoed in the space and he looked down on her thinking how lucky he was to have them and how close he came to losing them.

With breakfast done, Jourdan found her mother awake and joined her on the bed. Reese watched the tentative reunion and saw Joss smile at their daughter, as she hugged her. The smile didn't quite reach her eyes and he could tell she was putting on an act for Jourdan. All was still not well. She sat and listened to her, talked with her, but he thought she seemed distracted, although Jourdan didn't notice.

He walked over finally and asked her if she was alright. She answered him with a quiet yes and eyed him warily.

"You don't have work today?" She asked.

"No. I'm staying home to take care of you." She didn't respond, but nodded, trying to get out of bed. After a few short steps, she swayed a bit and he rushed over to help her.

"I'm fine." She said, pushing away from him. "Just a little dizzy, is all."

And for the next two days that's how it was. She spent the majority of her time with Jourdan, either in bed or on the couch. Any time he tried to touch her, she would shy away from his grasp, avoid any form of physical contact or assistance from him. She spoke to him, but only briefly and at times she secluded herself in the bathroom. He'd catch her there, sometimes crying, sometimes just staring blankly at the wall.

"Let me help you, Joss." He pleaded with her.

"I just…need to be alone for a minute, John. Please." She would say, nothing more. He felt helpless but he still did what he could. He made sure she ate, rested. He made sure she was comfortable; he made sure she took her medication; he made sure she had everything she needed.

"Daddy, what's wrong with mom?" Jourdan asked one night while they were in the kitchen. He'd hoped she hadn't noticed that something was off with Joss, but like she'd said before to him, their daughter was no dummy.

"What do you mean, honey?"

"It's like she's sad all the time now. Did that woman hurt her?"

The pout on her mouth and the concerned look on her face almost did him in. He needed to reassure her that her mother would be alright.

"I promise you Jourdan, that woman is _not_ coming back. No one is going to take your mother away ever again. You hear me?"

"Yes."

"Your mom's not well honey, but she's got the both of us. And we're going to take care of her until she's better. We're going to do whatever it takes. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Come here." He said pulling her close and kissing the top of her head. "I love you."

"I love you too, daddy."

Later that night after they'd all eaten, Jourdan lay snuggled on Joss' chest, with her arms around her neck. He watched the two of them interact almost as if he wasn't there.

"I love you mom. I want you to get better."

"Thank you, baby. I love you too." The smile on her face was small then, but this time, it was genuine. He nodded his head as he looked away, feeling suddenly jealous of his own daughter and wishing he'd been the recipient of those words and that smile.

* * *

"Here you go." Reese reached out for the beer Lana handed to him and he settled into the back of his cushioned seat. It had been a long day and they were ending it at Bruno's a corner bar not far from Lana's apartment. Tonight it was crowded, the music was too loud to his ears and Reese was eager to leave and get back to his loft. He wanted to see Joss.

"Thanks."

"How are things? How's Joss doing?"

He was about to brush the question off. He was about to lie and say she was fine. He hadn't wanted to discuss it even though Finch had asked him the same question earlier that day. He took a long pull from the bottle and looked away for a minute deciding how to answer.

"She's…..not doing well. I think she's in shock. She's distant, anxious all the time. It's like she's not the same person anymore."

"I'm sorry." She said and reached across the table to squeeze his hand. It was one of the rare times that she did and this time he was grateful for the physical contact.

"I tried talking to her, but she won't speak to me. She only talks to Jourdan."

"Maybe she just needs time…to process it all. She's not a soldier like you were. She's not used to the way you live your life. I imagine what's happened would be extremely hard for the average person to handle. She's probably confused about everything that's happened."

"I know." He said taking another drink from the bottle.

"Just be there for her. Eventually you'll find a way to get through to her."

"I've been trying. But…."

"It's only been a few days. Something like this takes time. Not to mention patience, John."

He could be patient. He could wait however long it took once he knew she'd be better in the end.

"This is a woman who's a partner in her law firm, a single mother; she's used to being independent. But since she's met you, she's had to put her faith in you, let go of the control she's used to having over her life and on top of that she's kidnapped by your former partner and almost died. She's probably feeling lost and alone right now. Most likely confused too."

"You said that already."

He'd never meant to take control of Joss' life. But circumstances being what they were he needed her to cooperate with him as much as possible so he could keep them safe.

"She's given a lot of herself since she met you, John. Think about it."

* * *

When Joss woke up she was alone in the loft. The TV was on, but Jourdan and John were nowhere in sight. She got out of bed and walked over to one of the windows. It was bright outside and she could feel the warmth of the sun on her fingertips against the glass. She could feel herself warming up, the faint chill leaving her bones and she took a deep breath.

It was time to wake up, she decided, in more ways than one. It was time to shake off the weight of the last few days or at least make an attempt. She owed it to her daughter, and she owed it to herself. She needed to take control of her life otherwise she'd be walking around, feeling like a zombie forever.

She got into the shower and got dressed. She looked at herself in the mirror and let out a small laugh looking at her hair which was a mess. John had made an effort at braiding it for her, but her tresses definitely needed a woman's touch.

Half an hour later, her hair was done, and she brushed it back off her shoulders and away from her face. The bandage on her neck came into view and she ran a finger over it. Slowly she peeled it off, revealing the cut that was already starting to heal.

It had been the worst thing that had ever happened to her. But she wouldn't let it destroy her. She couldn't.

She stood near the window with a cup of coffee when she heard the front door open and Jourdan's animated voice and laughter. When she saw her by the window, she headed straight toward her.

"Mom, you're up. Daddy got breakfast."

"Hope you're hungry." She watched him walk over to her with two bags of carry out in his hands and he rested them on the coffee table before standing in front of her. "Hi."

"Hi." She replied.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Better."

He nodded his head and moved closer. For the last few days she'd avoided touching him or even being near him. It felt strange with him this close, but she stood there in his arms as he held her. His scent used to be so familiar and comforting. She used to lean on his chest and feel safe, but now she felt distant and cold. She raised her arms and put them around him and she stood still as he pressed his lips gently to hers, but she felt…..indifferent. She felt nothing.

He led her over to the couch and though her appetite hadn't yet returned, she managed to eat just a little. He hovered near her the entire time, touching her, staring at her. Normally she would love the attention, but now she felt uncomfortable, suffocated by it. When he suggested they go to a fair out by the park, she agreed and she felt a little more of herself while she was out with Jourdan by her side.

She kept close to her, and she was able to engage her in conversation. Jourdan convinced her to have her face painted and she even answered a few of her questions in French like she used to not too long ago.

It was almost evening and she stood watching Jourdan on a carousel ride when John reached for her hand holding it. She looked up at him and his eyes were seeking something again. Something that she just couldn't give right now. She didn't know how to tell him. She couldn't look at him anymore. Something had changed in the last few days and something had switched off inside her. She didn't know why and she didn't know how to stop it.

"I know this probably isn't the right time to bring this up….but we do need to talk about it." He squeezed her hand, then linked their fingers together. "I want to be what you need Joss, whatever that is. You don't have to do this alone. I know you're hurting and trying to make sense of it all…..tell me what I can do to help."

She wanted to tell him that she needed to be alone. She needed space.

"I miss you, Joss."

"I'm fine. I just….need some time. I'll muddle through it."

"I know you will. You're strong. You're one of the strongest women I've ever known. But I'm telling you that you don't have to be. Not right now. You don't have to be strong for me. Let me help you."

Thankfully the ride had ended and Jourdan came running toward them, putting her arms around Joss' waist.

"I want cotton candy." She said and Joss took her hand heading for the nearest concession stand, glad that the discussion was over, at least for now. "Come on daddy." Jourdan grabbed his hand, walking between the two of them. He looked at her over Jourdan's head and she knew the conversation was far from finished.

A slight chill started to set in by early evening and by the time they'd gone back home she felt like she needed a little warming up.

"Is there a throw blanket in here anywhere, John?" She asked checking the linen closet and not finding one.

"Should be in the linen closet. He answered from the kitchen. "I can turn the heat on if you want." He offered.

"No, a blanket should be fine." She said. "There aren't any in the linen closet." She said walking over to the other closet, close to the sofa in the living room.

"Sure there are, honey. I'll get it."

He was on his way over to her, blanket in hand, but she'd already pulled open the closet that unbeknownst to her contained his cache of guns and weapons.

"Oh G…"

She was in the hotel all over again, with Kara's gun to her head and the needle gun to her neck. She saw Reese fighting, Kara dying and she felt the waves of electricity travelling through her body all at once.

The tears were stinging her eyes.

* * *

Reese stopped in his tracks as Joss' hand flew to her mouth.

"Oh G….."

"Damn it." He said closing the door quickly and mentally kicked himself for not locking it.

"John. What are ...why do you…..? I can't."

"Joss wait a minute."

"I can't do this anymore." She looked as though she was heading for the front door and he blocked her path.

"Mom?" He turned to Jourdan who eyed them curiously.

"It's okay honey. Go watch TV for a minute." He told her. He took Joss' hand firmly and took her into his walk-in closet and closed the door.

"Let me explain."

She shook her head and wouldn't listen. "It doesn't matter, John. I can't do this. I can't pretend anymore that I'm okay with all of this."

The look in her eyes destroyed him. He could see from that one look that she saw him differently. He could see every feeling she had for him draining from her slowly.

"I know this is your life, the guns, the fighting…the violence…..but I didn't know this is what it would be like and I can't…."

He reached out to wipe at the tears on her cheeks, but she pushed his hand away.

"I'm sorry but I can't live with this, John. And Jourdan…..I think it would be best if Jourdan and I left."

"I love you." He whispered urgently. His words didn't seem to have the intended effect. She seemed hurt instead of happy to hear them. "I love you. I may not have said it before. Maybe I was afraid to, but I do. This is my life. Yes, it's messy, and it's violent and it's never going to be normal." He cupped her face in his hands. "I never meant for you to be taken. I _never_ wanted that to happen. I never meant for Jourdan to be left alone in the street like that. It's all my fault. I'll take the blame. If I could take it all back, I would. I'd be there….to protect you. I'm sorry, just….don't take Jourdan away from me. Don't….don't leave me."

His hands travelled over her shoulders, down to her back and he pulled her tightly to his chest. He was afraid to let her go because he knew if he did, she would leave him. He hadn't physically lost her, she hadn't died. But emotionally she was slipping away so quickly, he wondered if things would ever be the same between them.

"Please, Joss. Tell me what to do. Tell me what you want. I'll do anything. Please." He kissed her but her mouth was still underneath his and when he released her she wouldn't look at him.

"I won't keep Jourdan away from you. I won't. She loves you. But we're going to leave in the morning."

"If we just talk about this, if you just stay here so we can talk about this, we…"

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it at all. I don't want to feel anything. I just want to forget this all happened. I want my life back the way it was."

"Without me? Without us?"

"When I knew who I was and I didn't have to worry about possibly being killed. I'm sorry John."

"You told me you loved me. You said that you and I and Jourdan were family and that you weren't going anywhere. Remember?"

"I do. I do remember. But I can't stay, John."

She wiped the tears from her face and straightened her clothes before she opened the door and left. When he finally got out of the closet she was over by the bed packing their suitcases and Jourdan was asking why they were leaving so suddenly.


	18. Grasping Hope

A/N This chapter is from the POV's of Joss, John, Finch and Shaw. We explore how everyone is affected by Joss' decision to leave and we meet a new character. Hope you all enjoy. I love your reviews, and tweets, and messages and PM's. Keep them coming.

I own nothing you see here.

* * *

The mood in the loft suddenly grew tense. Though he'd ordered take out and had food delivered, nobody ate much. Jourdan who was normally the most animated person in the room seemed to be affected by the growing distance between her parents and she was unusually quiet.

John stood in the kitchen putting the unfinished food away and leaned on the counter sipping on a beer. He could hear the sound of the TV in the other room and a conversation between Joss and Jourdan.

"Aren't you glad you're gonna see grandma soon?"

"Why do we have to leave now?"

"Because it's time to go home. We weren't going to stay here forever Jourdan. You knew that. We only came to spend a few weeks with your daddy. Now it's time to go back to Virginia."

Joss' voice sounded tired to his ears. She _was_ tired. She was frustrated and she was trying her best to soothe Jourdan at the moment. He didn't want them to go. He knew just as Joss had said that they hadn't planned to be here in New York with him indefinitely. But he didn't want them to go. Not yet. Not when things between him and Joss were this bad.

"I don't want to go. I don't want to go." Jourdan said pleading. "I don't want to go!"

"I know, honey."

"Mom can we please stay? I don't want to leave daddy! I'm not ready!" He walked out of the kitchen just as Jourdan walked over to their luggage and start to unpack her bags throwing her things on the ground and on top of the bed.

"Jourdan we're not…..you're not leaving him. We're just going home. Stop it now."

He could see Joss was on the verge of tears and he walked over to their daughter who was still tossing things about the floor and ignoring her mother's words.

"Jourdan." He called her name firmly and she looked at him, noting the serious look in his eyes. She stood practically at attention then bowed her head, almost ashamed of her outburst and she started to cry. He sat on the bed and pulled her into his arms.

"Why do we have to leave?" She murmured against his shoulder.

"You know you're blowing this whole thing out of proportion." He said softly. "You're acting like I'm never going to see you again. You know I will. Nothing can keep us apart you know that, right?"

Her tiny hands were around his neck and he thought just how much he was going to miss seeing her every day. "We're like Marlon and Nemo. I'll always come looking for you. And you can call me whenever you want. I'll be here."

He fished around in his pocket and took out the chain she bought him with the crucifix.

"Remember I have this too." She looked down at it as he held it in his palm. "Whenever I put it on or see it…"

"You'll think of me?"

He nodded as he hugged her again. "Always, honey."

His heart was breaking right now. He heard Joss' footsteps behind him and the sound of the bathroom door closing after her.

* * *

Joss knew she couldn't stay in the bathroom forever, but as she sank to the floor all she wanted to do was block out the sound of Jourdan's tears. She felt tired and exhausted and she held her hands to her ears. she closed her eyes, trying to get a hold of herself and took a few deep breaths. By the time she got out, Jourdan was on the couch with John, both of them watching a movie. She was cradled against John's chest, her eyes glued to the screen.

They were in their own world and she didn't want to disturb them. John's eyes met hers, but she couldn't return his gaze for long. She turned around and lay down on the bed, pulling the covers over her head, feeling like she was running away.

She'd been asleep for some time, a few hours she guessed. When her eyes fluttered open in the middle of the night Jourdan was next to her fast asleep, but the other side of the bed was empty. She sat up and looked around, and saw the light from the kitchen was on and she could hear the faint sound of the cupboards open and close.

She got up and padded across the floor to the kitchen. John was wearing pajama bottoms, his chest bare and for the first time since her ordeal with Kara she really looked at him. There was a bruise above his left shoulder, a deep purple. When he turned around she saw a similar one on his torso. He hadn't complained of any pain or soreness, and since she'd all but avoided him, she had no idea he'd even been hurt.

She walked toward him and he lowered the glass of juice in his hand, resting it on the counter.

She'd noticed his scars before. There were a few and he'd told her stories of being in combat, being shot, even tortured. Some of them had happened long ago, been buried in his memory for a long time. _These_ marks however, these bruises had been because of her. She reached out to touch the one on his torso and he looked down at her, silently watching as her fingers splayed over it. He quivered under her light touch and she finally met his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, John."

* * *

Reese heard the faint sound of footsteps behind him, but he didn't turn around right away. When he did, he saw Joss staring at the bruise on his chest, a look of shock on her face. They hadn't been intimate with each other since before she'd been taken, he was disappointed to realize she hadn't noticed them until now. She walked toward him and the simple touch of her hand on his chest cause a strong reaction in him.

He missed her both emotionally and physically. He craved her right now. He wanted her smile, her words, her heart and her body. But he stood motionless as she ran her fingers over him, not wanting to scare her away.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, John." He was relieved to see the tiniest hint of concern in her eyes. He hoped he wasn't imagining it.

"It's fine. It's not as bad as it looks. All wounds heal in time." He saw her eyes become cold again, and he covered her hand with his own, not wanting to lose the tiny connection they had made, but she moved her hand away.

"Joss….how can you leave after everything it took for us to get here? It took us ten years to find each other again. It was no accident that we met all those years ago. You chose to have my child when you didn't know a damn thing about me. You know it was no accident that you found me again. We're supposed to be together. We're supposed to be a family. How can you still leave?"

"John, I _have_ to."

"You don't. I don't want you to. I can't lose you both."

He caught hold of her wrist and she literally looked squeamish at his touch, almost like she felt burned by it. He felt rejected, knowing how physically connected they'd always been. He felt hurt by her apparent repulsion.

"You won't lose Jourdan."

"What about you and me?"

"Let me go home, John. I need to find myself again. I need to figure out who I am. I can't do that here. I need to think about what I want."

"What if in the end…that's not me?"

She didn't answer him, she wouldn't and the next morning when they were preparing to leave, he still had many unanswered questions. He wanted to hold onto her so she wouldn't leave. He wanted to do everything he could to make her stay, but he realized if he forced the issue any longer he just might end up pushing her even further away.

He said a teary goodbye to Jourdan. She didn't want to let him go, and he was just as reluctant as she was when she left his embrace. How was he supposed to come home with them not there waiting for him? He could call Jourdan, could even go and see her if and when he wanted, but Joss, the woman who'd come to mean so much to him, wanted nothing to do with him right now. He wasn't quite sure how he would handle that.

"Call me when you get in honey. Let me know you got in safe. Okay?"

"Okay daddy."

"You take care of your mother." He said. "I love you sweetheart."

She came to hug him again, wrapping her arms around his waist. "I love you too daddy."

* * *

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

Shaw sat in _**Murray's**_, a family owned restaurant, in a back booth finishing off his meal. With Kara dead and gone he'd always intended to leave New York right away. He'd planned to go back to Europe to continue living life in obscurity away from the ever watchful eye of the CIA.

He was supposed to be dead, just like John. He didn't like the idea of possibly being found out and scooped up by his former employers. He cringed at the image of a black hood over his head, being pulled into the back of an SUV. But he reasoned, if the CIA wanted to, they could find you anywhere they wanted. Besides, he felt as if New York was growing on him, so weeks later, he was still in the city.

Something else that had also compelled him to stay was the frequent appearance of a particularly striking woman who came to this very restaurant, almost every time he was there. She was a leggy brunette with thick curly hair that fell past her shoulders. She had the most beautiful hazel eyes and a very disarming smile. She seemed shy and reserved whenever he saw her. She was always alone too, no friends, no man accompanying her.

He was even fascinated by the way she ate her meal, the way she cut up her food, sipped her coffee. He found it delicate, deliciously feminine. It was stupid, he thought, but each time he came here he found himself looking for her as much as he came looking for a meal.

The door to the restaurant opened and his mystery woman walked in. She was stunning in simple dark slacks and a sleeveless wine coloured top that complimented her ample bosom. He could almost feel himself standing at attention at the sight of her. She must have felt his eyes on her and she glanced in his direction for a minute and smiled before heading to her table.

He decided it was time to say hello. Just as he was about to get up from his table, he got a call and answered his cell.

"Shaw."

"Meet me at Lexington and 8th in twenty minutes."

"Reese. My friend, you have the worst timing ever." He said in exasperation. "I'll be there."

He ended the call and tossed a few dollars onto the table for his server. He glanced over at the brunette who was looking over her menu. "Later my sweet."

* * *

**ONE WEEK LATER**

"Mr. Reese, may I remind you that we are in the business of saving lives not taking them." Finch ignored the glare currently directed at him and continued. "Our purpose is not to drop bodies; in fact it's the opposite. You used entirely too much force tonight and in addition to that….."

"I did what needed to be done…"

"You exceeded what had to be done. Luckily Detective Fusco was able to intervene before it turned into an all out war zone."

He hadn't meant to chastise Reese, but during the last few weeks after Joss and Jourdan had left, something had changed in him. He seemed a bit colder, unfeeling, even. His disconnect from them had slowly started to affect not only his work but his emotional state as well. He was still eager to do his job, he was still dedicated, but his methods were more mercenary than before. He wondered how much longer this would go on.

He looked past Reese at Sam Shaw, who stood to the side watching the exchange between the two of them. For the past week Reese had been asking his old CIA pal to tag along. Tonight had been no different, but Finch found that Shaw's presence had been somewhat of a stabilizing force while he and Reese worked together. They developed a rhythm in their work, not needing to speak; they could anticipate what the other would do. Stability was what he needed right now. Right now, though, he was floundering.

"Marco is free and so is his family. That was the objective. Are we done here?"

The stoic expression was in place, the line of his shoulders straight.

"It appears we are Mr. Reese." He sat down at his desk as Bear padded over to him. Reese had barely acknowledged his pet this evening. "Mr. Shaw, I wonder if I could have a few words with you."

* * *

Shaw spun on his heel just as he was about to head down the stairs of the library. He ran his fingers through his hair brushing the soft curls away from his brow and walked over to Reese's boss. He still didn't entirely trust the man. He knew too much about everyone while information on him was scarce and precious as the rarest diamond.

Reese seemed to trust him, however. He seemed indebted to him as well. He wondered just how much information about his own life the man might know. It made him very uneasy.

"I understand that you and Mr. Reese go way back. You were both recruited by Mark Snow around the same time."

"That's correct."

"Familiarity is what he needs right now. An old friend from the CIA, his past life…must be a…comfort of sorts to him I would imagine."

Shaw chuckled. "You would? When my family was killed, it wasn't familiarity I wanted. I wanted my family back. I knew that wasn't possible so I did things, horrible things to some really horrible people. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself. It was the only thing that helped me deal with their loss. If he's a little more brutal than usual, under the circumstances, it's to be expected. It's the only way for him to release some of the turmoil he's going through. Familiarity won't do it. Nor will friendship. Neither will this job. Having his family back is the only thing that will _comfort_ him as you say."

The man nodded at his statement. He wasn't sure if he nodded because he gave an insight into Reese's mind or that he fully understood what he was really trying to say.

"Speaking of this job….." He handed him a piece of paper, with a name written on it.

_**Phillip Anderson**_

"What's this?" He asked looking at it.

"How would you like a _new_ job Mr. Shaw?"

* * *

After three weeks of being back in Norfolk, Joss felt like she was coming back to life. Her first few days were rough, she had nightmares, continued loss of appetite and all she wanted to do was sleep. She had a meeting with the partners at her law firm. They swallowed the story she fed them of being mugged and held at gunpoint while in New York. Mary Carpenter, the oldest partner seemed especially concerned and was the most horrified as she gave them as much details as she could. They sympathized with her and all insisted she take as much time as she could to recover. After another week at home, she couldn't stand it any longer however and she went back to work.

She sat behind her desk and immersed herself with client cases, goings on at the office and new policies they needed to implement. She thought about changing her status to equity partner and thought about the amount of capital she'd need to invest in the firm to do so. She figured it would be a smooth transition if she chose to go that route. She'd have as much to lose as the other partners if the firm ever failed, but they'd successfully had a steady flow of incoming clients over the years, she didn't see that happening anytime soon in the near future.

Her mother had been worried about her when she first got back. She noticed her daughter was simply dragging, seemed to have no energy. She didn't recognize this person who replaced her once vibrant child and she said so. She told her mother she was mugged just as she had her partners at work. The real story of what happened to her might have given her a heart attack and she figured it was best she didn't know. She told her she was just trying to get over that shock.

Another shock was finding out that Paul had been killed. Apparently they'd found his body in New York. Authorities didn't know how long he'd been in the warehouse he'd been found in and they'd had no leads. She wondered if his death had anything to do with Kara coming back to find John. It had been too coincidental that he'd shown up at the airport and he'd disappeared just as quickly.

John hadn't mentioned anything to her. So she couldn't come to any logical conclusion nor did she have any way to link Paul's death to Kara. It was a mystery to her, a very sad one. Even though they hadn't spoken in years, he was a big part of her life at one point and they were going to be married. She was saddened by his death.

Jourdan missed her father terribly and told her at every opportunity. They resumed their daily conversations on the phone, their French lessons. She knew Jourdan missed seeing him every day, having him carry her around the house and watch movies together. Their chats were good, but she missed simply having him around. Sometimes Joss would pass her daughter's room door and hear Jourdan responding to a question about her.

"She's doing better daddy. She's sleeping better now and she's eating too."

He was still worried about her, she thought. He called her a few times, but she never answered her phone. She simply wasn't ready to talk to him yet. She wasn't ready to talk about _**them**_ and she knew that topic would be one of the first things that would come up. She couldn't bear discussing it yet because she hadn't yet made a decision.

She was finally comfortable at work again, finally feeling as if she was settling in at home. Thoughts of the two of them right now were too heavy and intricate to contemplate. She simply wanted some time for herself right now.

* * *

Reese sat with his feet crossed before him, leaning into the couch and a bottle of beer firmly in his grip. It was his fifth and he put the bottle to his head draining the last of it. He sat up abruptly moving to the edge of the sofa. Joss' voice filled his ears and the large space. He was watching one of the home videos that she'd given him. In this one she was talking to Jourdan about her first day at ballet class.

The camera was focused on Jourdan, her hair done up neatly in a bun, her reluctant cowlick standing at attention in front. Joss had put flowers in her hair and in her pink leotard and tights she looked nothing short of an angel. He listened to her story about her first day, she was very animated, excited and she told her mother she wanted to go again.

He'd had her videos on a loop since they'd left. It was his way of feeling close to them, his way of coping with the fact that they were gone.

He enjoyed his calls to Jourdan, he loved hearing her voice and how she was doing. But Joss however wasn't taking his calls. It had been three long weeks since he'd spoken to her. It had never been this long even with his work and he missed her terribly.

He remembered Finch's voice commenting on his excessive force a few days ago. He felt as if he was coming apart at the seams and he didn't know what to do. This was different than it was with Jessica. He couldn't explain why it had been easier to walk away from her back then. But having Joss and Jourdan absent from his life was like nothing he could describe.

His cell phone rang and it was Shaw on the line inviting him out for a drink. He met his old friend at _**Murray's,**_ already into his meal, a drink by his side. He sat down and they talked. Actually Shaw did most of the talking while he simply drank. He didn't have much to say and he wanted to get rid of the feelings that just wouldn't leave him alone.

"I know what you're going through, John. Although in your case, you still have a chance she might come back to you." Shaw looked away for a minute and Reese followed his gaze to the entrance of the restaurant. A tall busty brunette walked in and Reese didn't miss the smile that tugged at his friend's mouth.

"A friend of yours?"

"I don't know her. But I'd like to."

Reese finished his drink, nearly slamming his glass on the table and slid out of the booth. "I'll leave you to that." He said and walked out.

"John, wait." Shaw called after him, but he kept moving. He was afraid to keep still.

Another week passed and then another. Soon it had been over a month and he had yet to hear her voice.

He was growing more and more familiar with the bottle of scotch that almost never left his side.

* * *

Today had been a good day, Joss thought. She'd just brought in another big name client this week and the other partners had asked her if she would consider buying into the firm as an equity partner. The sum they'd asked for had been sizeable, and she knew they were expecting her counter offer that she made instead. She also negotiated a few more perks and benefits with the buy in and they came to an amicable agreement.

She left the office with a big grin on her face and went to pick Jourdan up from her mother's. Evelyn commented on her sunny disposition and said she was happy to see her smiling again.

"I was beginning to wonder when I'd get my old Jocelyn back. She's been hiding for too long now."

Her mother became a little misty eyed and pulled her into a fierce embrace. It felt good to be in her mother's arms and it felt good to _feel good_ after so long. She ended up staying for dinner and didn't leave Virginia Beach till it was almost midnight. Jourdan went straight to bed as soon as they got home and she went straight into her bedroom and got undressed. She hung her clothes up and went into the bathroom. Instead of her usual shower, she decided to take a bath instead. While the water was running, she poured some jasmine scented oil into the tub.

As the smell filled the room, she remembered the last bath she had. She was at John's loft right after the ordeal with Kara. He'd taken such good care of her that night, even washed her hair before dressing her and putting her to bed. He'd been gentle and tender with her in the days that followed; he practically walked on egg shells around her.

She remembered how his hands had moved over her skin, her arms, shoulders, her back. He'd treated her like a porcelain doll while she sat still in that water. It was almost like he was afraid she would break. She had been broken for a while truthfully. It seemed like she blocked him out of her mind. Now all of a sudden, she thought of nights they spent together, making love, talking and laughing. He would touch her in ways, no one ever had, physically or emotionally.

He revealed parts of himself to her that she was sure no one else had ever seen. But she had pushed those thoughts away. Now she realized that she missed him.

What was he doing right now?

Did he still think of her?

* * *

It was late at night, but Reese was wide awake. He heard the lull of his air conditioning unit, the distant sounds outside in the city below him, but he couldn't sleep. He lay on top of the sheets on his back and a hand on his chest, staring up at the ceiling.

He'd had a lot to drink earlier, but it had not dulled his mind as he'd intended. His thoughts were still busy, memories still played before his eyes and he couldn't make them go away.

He heard his phone ringing beside him and hoped it was Finch saying they had work to do. He would welcome the distraction. He picked it up and answered, but there was hesitation on the other line.

"Hello?" He repeated and he heard a sigh.

"Hello, John."

It was Joss. He immediately sat up, not quite believing it was her.

"Joss."

"I know it's late. I hope I didn't wake you."

"You didn't."

"Why am I not surprised?" He heard a smile in her voice and it kindled hope inside him.

"What about you? What are you doing up this late?"

"Just got home a few minutes ago. Jourdan and I had dinner at my mother's."

"How is she?"

"Mom is great. Her cooking is better than ever and she was glad to have us over."

"You sound really good." He said and she paused a minute.

"I am. I'm doing much better. They asked me to become an equity partner today at work and I accepted. Just brought in another major client this week from a large firm so, I guess they were impressed."

"Of course they were." Her short laugh on the other end made him smile.

"The papers are being drawn up. I'll probably sign them by next week."

"Well congratulations. It's what you've always wanted."

"Yeah it is. And I'm very happy about it."

"And I'm very happy _for_ you."

"How've you been?"

Not good, he wanted to say. I miss you desperately, he wanted to add.

"I'm fine." He replied instead. "I've been working, keeping busy." It sounded hollow to his own ears. But she was doing better, she sounded like the old Joss again. The last thing he wanted to do was lay a guilt trip on her when she finally decided to call him after almost two months.

"I never got a chance to say thank you."

"For what?"

"For saving my life. For taking care of me, after…after everything."

"You don't have to say thank you. We're together; I didn't have to think twice. You'd do the same for me I hope."

"You mean if some international spy came and kidnapped you, you'd expect me to rescue you and dispose of them too?" She laughed.

"Oh yeah. I think you're brave enough to take anybody on if you had to."

"Well it's good to know your faith in me hasn't wavered." She was teasing him. He could hear the smile in her voice and he imagined her lying in bed with the phone to her ear.

Their witty banter continued for a little while longer and they laughed about nothing, inconsequential things that didn't matter. But the sound of her laughter after not hearing from her at all meant so much.

"I miss you, Joss." He blurted out, wishing he was next to her. "I miss you so much." He didn't regret saying it. He couldn't.

"I miss you too." She admitted softly.

"I want to see you."

"I can't yet, John." She interrupted him. "I just need, just a little more time."

"How long?"

"Soon, John. Soon."

* * *

**ONE WEEK LATER**

"You know you can't go on like this forever. You're starting to get on my nerves really. I'm about ready to punch you in the face so you can wake up and stop acting like an idiot."

He sat next to Shaw at the bar in an old joint near the library. He hated this place, but tonight he didn't care about venue. He just needed something to drink. He was having his usual Scotch and Shaw was particularly chatty tonight.

"You would try." He replied.

"I'm serious, John. It's obvious you miss her. You want to be with her. Moping around here isn't going to bring her back. What do you plan to do about it?"

"There's nothing I can do but wait."

"I think you've waited long enough. Have you heard from her?"

He nodded curtly.

"Well what'd she say?"

He shook his head, not wanting to share the details of his conversation with Sam.

"Do you want to lose her like you lost Jessica?"

His question struck a nerve in Reese and he put his tumbler down. "She sounded like she was doing better. She actually made jokes. She….she said she missed me."

"That's fantastic. She gave you an opening. Now you just have to take it."

"What are you talking about?"

Shaw shook his head at him as if staring at a misguided child.

"If she left, but she can still admit to missing you, it means she's thought about you. If she's thought about you, it means she still remembers the time you spent together and there's also a chance that she wishes you two in fact were. But she needs a push."

Shaw ordered them another round and continued. "Now you've got to show her why she should stay with you. You've got to make her see that ending things between you two is the worst decision she could make right now. If she's able to make jokes and she sounds like she's normal again she's more open to you now than she was before even if she won't admit it. She probably doesn't even realize it. Women are strange that way."

"What if you're wrong?"

"John, _she_ called _you_ after not speaking to you for over a month. S_he_ made the first move. Now it's your turn."

Shaw paid the tab and got up to leave.

"You know, you may be better than me at the spy game sometimes, but clearly you need to take lessons from me when it comes to the ladies. Goodnight my friend."

* * *

It was early morning and Finch made his way up the stairs to the library. Once he got into the main room, he was surprised to meet Reese there playing catch with Bear. He slowly walked over to his desk.

"Good morning, Mr. Reese."

"Good morning, Finch. I brought you some…..croquillant." He pushed the pink pastry box toward him with a smile on his face.

"Thank you." He said as he lowered himself into his chair. "I appreciate the gesture, but I'm curious as to why you're here. I told you earlier that we didn't have a new number today. Our docket is clear."

"I'm quite aware of that, Finch. I do however have to talk to you about something." Bear came over to him with the ball in his mouth. "Something very important."

Finch eyed him as he commanded Bear to sit, then rewarded him with a doggie Danish. The look in his eyes was a serious one.

"I'm all ears, Mr. Reese."


	19. Back to the Beginning

A/N Several characters face new beginnings in this chapter. POV's come from Finch, Reese, Shaw and Joss. Hope you enjoy.

I own nothing you see here.

* * *

Finch knew when Reese first agreed to work with him; their relationship would end in one of two ways. One was death. Reese would be killed protecting the numbers, authorities would catch up to him or he'd be paid a visit by his former employer; the CIA.

If death didn't take either of them, Harold figured eventually Reese would grow tired of protecting strangers, putting himself into harm's way and he'd find someone to settle down with and start a family. Finch knew the latter was the more unlikely of the two scenarios he'd always envisioned, but here they both were in the library and his theory was being realized.

"I suppose I'd seen this coming Mr. Reese. From the day you brought the photo of Jourdan back to the library and showed it to me. I knew it was just a matter of time."

Reese nodded his head slowly and sat in the chair next to Finch.

"Last week I had a conversation with Shaw. We both agreed that maybe right now, the numbers shouldn't be a priority for you. Perhaps right now, you need to be with your family more than anything else. He's agreed to take your place."

"Shaw? You think that you can work with Sam?"

"Considering he simply shook my hand after I made him an offer versus you trying to strangle me shortly after we met, I think we just might get along."

Finch turned to see Reese smile, a rare occurrence in the last month.

"He needs a purpose. Just as you did. He still blames himself for not stopping Kara in time, not being there to save _his_ family. He needs to channel that guilt in the right direction instead of self destructing the way you'd started to."

"Before you found me. I owe you a debt Finch. You saved my life. I won't forget that."

"I'd like to think that we changed each other Mr. Reese. Our work together has helped to ease the burdens we both carry. It is I who owe you." Finch walked over to the filing cabinet at the back of the room and retrieved a leather document folio. He pushed it toward Reese who took it with a puzzled look on his face.

"I've set up a trust fund for Jourdan. She gets the first amount on her 21st birthday and the remainder when she turns 35. She should be able to go to college, buy a home….or whatever she wants."

Reese opened the folio staring at the dollar amount on the pages. The figure was high.

"I can't accept this, Finch." He said shaking his head and handing it back to him.

"But you will Mr. Reese. You will." Finch sat down behind the computers once more pulling up information on the latest number. This would be the very first case he'd ever worked without Reese's help. It felt strange, but it was the new reality.

"Thank you, Finch." He heard him say in the back of him. He simply nodded his head and watched John as he disappeared down the hall and the stairs.

* * *

PHILADELPHIA

Joss sat in the den of her sister's house drinking a mimosa and relaxing on the huge sofa cuddled up with a pillow. Donna had a rare weekend off from her job as a pediatric nurse at the hospital and Joss decided to pay her a visit. She left Jourdan at home with her mother and she loved the time she'd spent with her sister so far. They had a lot of catching up to do since they hadn't seen each other since the beginning of the year.

"So what's going on at the hospital?"

"Lost one of our best nurses. She moved to New York."

"How come?"

"Personal issues. I'm not sure what exactly, but she was having a rough time with her boyfriend for a while. I think maybe she wanted a clean break, fresh start I guess. I'm gonna miss her though."

"Did you get a replacement?"

"Two. And they are quite a handful. But guess what? I was talking to Dr. Hodson and he says they're promoting me to CNO. Announcement is coming next week."

"Oh my God! Chief Nursing Officer!" She got up to hug her. "I'm so happy for you Donna. It's about time though. They've been sleeping on you for a while."

"I know. Jossy, I'm so excited. A little scared but I know I'm ready."

"Isn't it great when things just start to come together?"

"Yes it is. And you're finally getting equity partnership. Amazing."

Things were truly coming together for everyone. Her sister was being promoted; things were going good at the firm. Jourdan, though she missed John was finally settling in. But Joss still felt like something was missing.

"What's going on Jossy? Mom told me about the mugging. I was so worried about you. Are you really doing okay? I know you. You always pretend you're fine when you're really not."

"I hate that you know me so well sometimes." She said shaking her head. She stared into Donna's full eyes and her sister reached for her hand, holding it.

"Talk to me. You know you can tell me anything."

The whole experience in New York had rested on her like a heavy load for a long time. There was no one else she could really talk to about it. She doubted anyone would believe her. But as she sat there seeing the concerned look on Donna's face she needed to share it with someone. So she told her all. Everything about Kara, her search for John, his work with the CIA, how she'd been taken and how she'd almost died. They both were in tears by the end of it, but she felt better as if she'd finally gotten rid of the burden.

"I just…..it sounds so unbelievable. I'm so glad you're okay."

"Me too. For a long time I wasn't. I wondered if I'd ever be again."

"So where's John?"

"Still in New York."

"You left him?"

"I had to. I felt like….I wasn't myself. I felt suffocated, I just wasn't….me."

"Do you feel like you still love him?"

She thought of their time together in Paris, finding him in her hotel room in New York. She thought of him showing up to Jourdan's games, making love to her, feeding her fruit, listening to her laugh at his dry humor. She remembered the look on his face right before he stopped her heart.

"Yes."

"Does he love you?"

"I know he does."

"Then you have to decide…whether or not you can live with the dangers his job provides. It's that simple really even though it sounds like it's not. You met all those years ago, had his child. You ended up looking for him ten years later and you found him. That wasn't a coincidence, Jossy. I know what you went through was horrible. But he didn't stop till he knew you were alright, till he knew you were safe. What you described to me is the most horrible experience and I wish you didn't have to go through that. I won't lie and say that I'm in any way comfortable with what he does and the violence that comes with it. I do worry about your safety and Jourdan's, but as far as the relationship between you two, I can't help feeling that maybe you gave up a little too soon."

"What?"

"You went through that horrific experience _together_. He's hurting just as much as you are, probably more since he blames himself. Only you two know what it was like to be there. Only you two can understand what the other is going through. Only you two can help each other really heal, _together_."

In the days following Kara's death she couldn't see past her own feelings. She hadn't wanted to confront them, she just wanted to leave even though he'd offered and pleaded with her to let him help. She knew now she'd been selfish, but at the time, she didn't know what else to do.

"I hurt him. I know. I wonder if he'd forgive me."

"Well if he loves you like you say he does, I think he would. And if you love him I think it's worth a try. You should at least talk to him."

"I did. I called him this week. It felt good to hear his voice. So good."

"Wow…Jossy's in love."

"Stop it." She said giggling.

"No I'm serious. I don't even remember you like this with Paul. God rest him. I need to meet this man. Do you have a photo of him? What does he look like?"

"He's tall. Dark hair, gray at the temples. Sharp nose, _beautiful_, _beautiful_ eyes. Big hands!" She said raising hers in the air and spreading her fingers out.

"Whoa!"

"And feet!" The two of them burst into loud laughter and Donna gave her a high five.

"You know what they say about guys with big feet and hands."

"I don't know, Donna. What do they say?"

"That they need bigger shoes and bigger gloves of course. Come on now, Jossy!" Another fit of laughter began. Her sister could always easily make her laugh, she didn't expect anything different, but all this talk about John brought back a lot of memories and Joss found herself missing him even more.

"We fit together so well Donna, despite everything. I just…"

"Call him, Joss. Don't wait."

* * *

Reese sat in a booth in _**Stacy's**_; a jazz club not far from his place. It was his first time here. He was expecting Shaw, his eyes glued to the entrance and instead of the usual Scotch he'd been nursing every day and night for weeks, tonight he settled for a beer which he took his time drinking.

He was leaving for Virginia in the morning. He'd spoken to Jourdan the previous afternoon who'd told him that Joss was out of town at her sister's in Philadelphia for the weekend and was expected back that very evening. Jourdan was eager to see him and asked when he'd be coming for a visit. He told her he'd see her soon. He didn't however; tell her about his planned trip, he wanted to surprise her. He also didn't want Joss finding out; she just might call and persuade him not to come.

Shaw had been right, he couldn't wait any longer. He had to show Joss that she meant enough to him that he'd leave everything behind for her if he had to. Nothing was more important to him than his family. He hoped she'd be receptive to him when they finally saw each other again.

Finally Shaw came in, with the brunette from _**Murray's**_ on his arm. Their heads were tilted toward one another, a smile on her face and Shaw's hand drifted possessively to the small of her back. They were taken to a table to the far right of the restaurant and Reese watched them for a while letting them settle in while he waited. He seemed to take extra care with her and the touches on her arm, her waist and hands were so delicate, like he feared she would break. He felt as if he was intruding on them even though they were in public and they were on the other side of the room.

Nothing about the way Shaw was acting indicated that he knew Reese was there or that he even remembered they were supposed to meet. He was focused totally on the woman in front of him, but eventually he got up and walked over to Reese's table and sat down opposite him.

"Your beer is flat." Shaw said looking at the still nearly full glass in front of him. Reese shrugged looking over at the brunette, her eyes still glued to Shaw.

"She doesn't want you out of her sight it seems." He remarked. "Not your usual type."

"How would you have any idea what that is anyway? When was the last time we hit the town together? Maybe 2003?"

Reese shook his head. "Probably long before that."

"I don't know, John. There's something about her." He said gazing back at her. "She's new in town. She moved here from Philadelphia. She's a nurse. She's…..she's very intriguing. She's got a certain mystery to her. I have to know more."

Reese nodded and took a drink of his beer.

"I came to say goodbye. And to thank you."

"For what?"

"For everything."

Reese gazed at him for a minute remembering their training together, their separation when he went to work with Kara. They'd helped each other out over the years with work and as friends and now he felt as if he was passing the torch.

"You take care of Harold." He said and drank a little more of his beer before rising from the table.

Shaw got up and stood beside him.

"You take care of yourself my friend. Till we meet again. Now go get your woman." They shook hands and Reese wished him the best.

He walked out into the New York night and thrust his hands into his pockets and made his way back to the loft. He could feel tiny droplets of rain coming down. By the time he'd gotten home, it had turned into a downpour.

* * *

When Shaw and his date left the restaurant the rain had dwindled, but it left a slight chill in the air and the roads were a little wet. They walked together through Times Square with his arm around her shoulders and hers around his waist. He loved the feel of her next to him and the smell of her perfume in his nose.

He shared ice cream and a candied apple as they walked and they encountered two people dressed as Smurfs who waved at them. She waved back and giggled, a melodious sound as it escaped her throat. Only in New York he thought as they continued on. He enjoyed her laugh and her easygoing personality. He was pleasantly surprised to discover that the shy reserved beauty was actually very bubbly, fun and amazing to be around.

"I had a really good time tonight, Sam." She said quietly and he looked down at her.

"I'm glad, Cindy. We should definitely do this again."

"I'm still new to the city, so I'll have to yield to your wisdom and let you pick the next place. For the time being." She said with a rather infectious smile and a mischievous wink.

"Well in that case…the next place should be mine." He answered turning to her, holding both her hands. He liked that she stared right back at him not shy at all.

"Something special about your place, huh?"

"As a matter of fact, there is. A very talented chef lives there."

"So he's got skills."

"In and out of the kitchen, yeah." He put his arms around her touching his lips to her briefly. "It's got a warm cozy atmosphere. Good seating. Wine selection is amazing."

"What about the owner? What's he like, huh?" She asked as her tongue snaked out across her bottom lip.

"Great guy. I think you'll like him." He kissed her again, not caring that they were in the middle of the sidewalk and people had to walk around them to pass. Now, he'd found another reason to stay in New York besides the job.

* * *

Joss sat at her desk clearing it off, preparing to leave the office. It was just after 1pm, but she was set on leaving early. She was planning on going to New York and her flight was leaving in two hours. She had no intentions of missing it. She'd already called her mother and told her she'd be gone overnight at least, but she was prepared to stay longer. She grabbed her car keys from her top drawer and shrugged into her jacket as she stood up. Her purse was in her hand and she was about to leave when her secretary came in.

"JJ, I'm leaving early today. Sorry for the late notice, but I need you to cancel my morning appointment for tomorrow. "

"Done. What about David Silverman?"

"Damn I forgot about him. And this is the _second_ time we've had to cancel. He's going to _kill_ me."

"Actually he's going to kill _me_, Ms. Carter."

They walked together to the door and she put a sympathetic arm around her assistant's back.

"I know JJ and I appreciate you taking one for the team. I'll bring you back a souvenir."

"Well you have a visitor." JJ said just as they were about to exit the office. Joss stopped in her tracks wanting to avoid whoever it was.

"A visitor. No I can't see anyone right now. I'm going straight to the airport. Who is it?"

"He said his name is John Reese."

As soon as JJ said his name, Joss felt like she stopped breathing for a moment. She put a hand to her chest and slowly walked back across the room. "Send him in, JJ." She paced the floor as she waited. Seconds seemed like hours and when he finally walked through her office door dressed in his black suit and white shirt she felt like there was a magnet pulling her in his direction.

Why had she stayed away from this man for so long?

"John." The sound of his name on her own tongue caused tears to come to her eyes. He looked at her as if he was half scared of her reaction to seeing him.

"Hello, Joss." The door closed behind him and she walked over to him and into his arms. She held onto him tightly, not wanting to let him go. His arms around her were strong, his grip on her firm and she felt the familiar sense of comfort and safety she always felt when he'd held her before.

"I missed you so much." He said, looking at her. "I missed you so much, Joss." He cupped her face in his hands and she felt a relief when he finally kissed her. Her hands moved all around him, in his hair, at his neck and all around his waist. His mouth was so soft, tender on hers and he kept calling her name. She felt longing start to come to the surface as he touched her. Deep longing that had been suppressed for so long.

"I'm so sorry John. I'm so sorry." She said as he held her. "I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry." She kissed his cheeks, his mouth; she held the sides of his face and looked into his eyes. "I'm sorry I left you."

"It's okay now. It's okay."

They stood there together for a very long time. Both were caught up in each other, both lost in each other's embrace and neither of them wanted to let go.

"I was on my way to the airport." She said finally.

"Where were you going?"

"To New York to see you." She smiled. "I wasn't sure you'd have me."

"Of course I would. I love you, Joss." He did, she knew. She could feel it, all the way down to her bones.

"I love you too, John. What are you doing here?"

"We have a lot to talk about."

He was right, they did.

She went into the bathroom off her office and wiped at her tear stained cheeks before touching up her makeup. When they left her office, she was happy to finally stand beside him after so long. In the elevator she grabbed his hand and stood close to him and he pulled her to his side. Neither of them spoke as they walked to the parking garage together. She handed him her car keys and he slid into the driver's seat of her car as she settled in beside him.

"Where to?" He asked looking at her.

"Home." She said.

"Have you eaten?" He asked and she shook her head. "Do you want something?"

On the way home he stopped to get them something to eat. But when they stepped inside her condo, the bags of food sat on the kitchen counter unattended as they went upstairs to the play room. Joss kicked off her shoes and left them at the door. She took her jacket off and threw it across the back of a chair. She turned to John as he shrugged out of his jacket and it joined hers over the back of the chair as well.

She wanted to be in his arms again and she took his hand leading him over to the sofa. When he sat down she joined him and lay down on the sofa putting her head in his lap. She couldn't believe he was there with his arms around her staring back at her with all the love for her in his eyes. He put his arm over her waist and she rested her hand on his.

"The place looks the same. Just as I remembered. I would picture you in this room, after you left. Watching TV with Jourdan, hanging out. I missed being here with you. With her. I don't ever want us to be apart like that again."

"I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I didn't call. I'm sorry for being selfish."

"No I was the selfish one, Joss. I never should have let you come to New York in the first place. It was a bad idea. I knew it the first time we talked about it. But I wanted you near me. I wanted Jourdan near me and I didn't take into consideration the danger I was putting you both in."

"There was no way you could have known."

"I did. I did know. I had an idea that Kara was in New York and that there was a possibility she'd come looking for me. I knew that but I let you come anyway. I wanted to shield you from that. I didn't want you to ever have to see that part of my life."

His voice was heavy and tinged with deep regret. She reached up to touch his face and he closed his eyes.

"I was afraid if you ever saw what a monster I could be….."

"No you're not. You are _not_ a monster. You never were."

"I never wanted you to be hurt that way. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."

"If I'd listened to you and stayed in your loft, it never would have happened. It was my fault for being so damn stubborn. But you saved me, in the end, you came through and I'm grateful for that."

"You and Jourdan, you're just so good and pure and you're the best part of me. I thought I was going to lose you." She got up then, and pulled him close, holding him tightly.

"I just couldn't…..I couldn't get a grip on what was going on, I felt like I didn't have a handle on my life. I had no control of my own emotions and I felt like I needed to switch them off. I didn't want to feel anything and I felt like I….I wish I could take back the hurt I put you through."

"I don't want you or Jourdan to ever have to go through anything like that again because of me. So I quit."

"You what?"

"I want to make a life with you and Jourdan. And I can't do that if I continue to do the work I do with Finch. So I quit. I'm going to move here so we can all be together. If you don't want me to move in, I can get my own place till you're ready, but I just need you to know that you're the most important thing in my life right now. You and Jourdan. Nothing else matters."

She was shocked. The magnitude of what he was saying touched her knowing just how much Finch meant to him, how much the job meant to him. And yet here he was telling her he was willing to give all that up and had already done so. She was incredibly moved by that. If she was unsure that he loved her before, this gesture of his could leave no doubt.

"I can't let you do that, John."

"What?"

"I can't let you quit. You joined the CIA all those years ago because you wanted to help people. They made you do unspeakable things and you did them, because you felt it was for the greater good. You wound up working with Finch, not just to atone for leaving Jessica behind, but because at the end of it all, you still wanted to help people. That's who you really are, not some monster. That's a part of you that's never going to go away. How can I let you walk away from that?"

"But Joss….."

"I love you so much for wanting to do that for me. You never asked me to change one thing about myself since we found each other again. You accepted me just as I was. I'm accepting you, with your violent job that I'm still terrified of, and your closet of guns that I'm going to pretend I never saw."

"Are you sure? Finch has already found a replacement." He leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers.

"I don't want to lose you. I don't want Jourdan to lose her father. But I don't want you to do this and end up resenting me years from now."

She kissed him quickly. "And if Finch has found a replacement, then you can just take an extra long extended vacation and stay with us for a while. Jourdan and I would love to have you. And I miss waking up to you in the mornings." She kissed him again, and moved onto his lap straddling him. "And the way you wake me up sometimes in the middle of the night."

She felt his hands move over her back and stuck her tongue out gliding it across his lips. She ground into him, thinking about how long it'd been since he'd been inside her and she kissed him hard running her hand over his chest.

"I want to make love to you, John."


	20. Full Circle

A/N Sorry this one has taken so long for me to post. Some real life events happened and I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who sent me a shout out via Twitter, Tumblr or on the POI Forum. Every word meant a lot and was/is much appreciated. This is the last chapter of Remember Me and putting it out is bittersweet. But I'm glad to give Joss and John a happy ending. This AU was fun to write and thanks to Lovemboth for the initial idea she gave for the fic. Thanks for all the reviews and PM's and comments. It's been fun. On to the chapter.

* * *

It had been too long.

It had been far too long, Reese thought as Joss climbed atop him on the sofa and he could feel the softness of her body on him again. Her hands moved over his chest as she kissed him tenderly and he started to forget the many nights he'd spent without her. He could feel her breath on his neck, hear her whisper in his ear and he felt himself awakening from what felt like a dead sleep as her lips moved over his.

He'd gone to bed for almost two months haunted by images of Joss playing in his mind. He thought of her hands on him, her lips against his, on his chest, over his body. He'd ached to be back in her arms. The yearning had been worse than anything he'd ever felt.

Now she stood in front of him at the foot of her bed and he looked down at her as she slowly undid the buttons of his shirt. He found himself shaking as her palms moved over him, he was holding his breath.

No one else could touch him like this, no one else could illicit such a response from him.

_Only you, Joss,_ he thought to himself as their tongues met.

Only she could make him feel this way.

Her hands were at the back of his neck, her fingers traced his hairline. Her mouth moved softly over his, then lower to his chest. Softly she trailed kisses over him and he inhaled sharply at the feel of her lips on his skin. So soft, and so sweet, she marked him afresh and anew. She still wanted him. He was still hers.

Her hands fumbled at his waist and she undid his belt first, then his zipper. She removed his underwear and his pants pooled at his feet. He stepped out of them and she pushed him backward against the bed.

She stepped away from him, slowly removing each item of her clothing till she stood naked in front of him. He felt his cock swell at the sight of her, taking in every curve of her body. Her stomach, her shoulders, the womanly shape of her thighs. Her nipples were erect, and he reached for her pulling her onto his lap and took one of them into his mouth. He raised his head to tease the other one, running his tongue over it, but she cupped his face in her hands seeking to claim his mouth once more.

"I dreamed about this." She whispered against his lips and he reached up gripping her by the neck, running his fingers through her hair.

They rolled backwards together on the bed and she lay atop him, kissing him over his face, his neck and he felt drunk with passion for her. She ran her tongue along his stomach and he hissed and quivered underneath her. Lower still she went and she buried her nose briefly in the small patch of curls just above his member, while her hand and fingers played over him.

"Joss….." He whispered, aching for her to take him in her mouth, longing for the most intimate of touches. He put his hand on the side of her face and she stared back at him with hooded eyes while she ran her tongue along the tip. Her eyes never left his as she began to suck on the head, slowly, deliberately slowly as he felt pleasure start to shoot all through his body.

He had missed the warmth of her mouth, her tongue and lips on him and he gasped when she finally took him all in. Her hair fell over his thighs. The touch was soft and as light as the tips of feathers over him and he closed his eyes feeling like he was being carried away on waves of pleasure. She stroked at him with her hands, her fingers. She never let up with her mouth, her tongue seemed tireless, she even kissed at his thighs.

He was tall and strong, big and often fearless, but her touch made him little, weak, wanting and vulnerable. She was in control now, of his body, his pleasure. His response was hers to command. And respond he did with groans, moans and her name muttered over and over.

He fisted his hands in her hair while his hips rocked desperately from side to side, and it wasn't long before he came. His orgasm was hard, and he was gasping, holding onto her shoulders and her name crossed his lips repeatedly. Almost like a chant, almost like a song.

She moved up higher, her arms around him and he pulled her down to kiss her hard. His hands were on her butt and he ground her against him. He wanted her to know the effect she had on him as his cock sprang to life once more. He wanted to be inside her. He wanted to feel the softness of hers again.

She straddled his thighs and he sat up in the bed holding her close, feasting on the skin of her neck.

"Joss…..Joss….."

He could feel how wet she was against his cock and he lifted her a little and brought her back down, letting her slide onto his length. He felt her clench around him and her head fell backwards. She moved slowly atop him at first, her breath was short, her moans deep and he felt her nails digging into his back.

She pushed him back onto the bed and squatted over him pressing her fists into his chest.

"Oh, John yes….you feel so good…." She managed to say. He held onto her hips and thrust upwards. She seemed tighter than before, her grip on him was snug and he was in ecstasy at the feel of her.

She ground into him harder, her screams louder now.

"_Oh John! Yesssssss…ooooh baby…."_

Her nails dug in deeper into his shoulder and her movements on him were urgent, rapid and intense. With a scream, she came, gritting her teeth and her eyes were shut tight. Mewling sounds escaped her throat as he pulled her towards his chest and pushed up a little deeper until he too found release and emptied himself inside her.

He held onto her, running his hands over her back, their breath coming quickly together. He lay there as she planted kisses all over him. He felt incredibly desired and needed. This was what he wanted after being coldly rejected and being denied the satisfaction of just touching her and being near her. He wanted so desperately to hold her and for her to allow him to hold her.

She cradled his head in her arms and he felt content, he felt at peace. He felt the connection they once had, return. She wasn't repulsed by his touch, but she craved it once more. It filled him with an indescribable amount of joy and fulfillment.

"I love you so much." She whispered and he saw that her eyes were filled with tears. They matched the ones in his own as he kissed her softly and she rested her cheek against his. "I love you so much, John."

* * *

Joss felt very emotional after their coupling. So emotional she was on the verge of tears. She pressed her face to his, cheek to cheek, hearing him exhale as she inhaled and she didn't want to let him go. It was funny that after pushing him away for almost two months, she didn't want to leave his arms for even a second.

So she held onto him as the tears started to spill over her lashes. He heard her sniff a little and wiped at her tears, kissing her cheeks, kissing her lips and touching her body like only he could. He put her on her back and kissed her down. His mouth touched every inch of her, his tongue hot and wet, ghosted over her nipples, down her stomach, her thighs, even across her fingertips. He was creating small fires all over her and soon her whole body was ablaze with heat.

He bent her knees and spread them apart and feasted between her legs. He kissed at her folds, licking them, sucking at them in his mouth. His tongue moved over her clit in circles of desire, heat and passion. He ran his tongue along the length of her opening and she felt she would drown in the sensations that ripped through her body.

Just as she started to come, he entered her and his thrusts met her orgasm head on. She felt a blinding vibration of ecstasy run through her and her whole body shook. She could barely breathe and grabbed at him as he powered into her over and over again. She could do nothing but moan, nothing but try to hold onto him as he pulled everything out of her, slowly, deeply, powerfully.

He put his finger in her mouth moving it around her tongue and she licked it, sucked it as his hand gripped her breasts. He ran his finger over her bottom lip, then teased her nipple, making the peak harden and swell.

She was coming again and now his thrusts were harder, faster. Her breasts bounced in rhythm with his thrusts and she pushed back against them taking him in further.

"Joss!" He called her name loudly as he started to come, and she felt herself shatter into pieces as he plunged into her finally and she clenched on him as she came again.

He collapsed on top of her, capturing her bottom lip between his teeth.

He slid out of her slowly, and lay down beside her, breathless. His hands didn't leave her body and he held onto her hip possessively, not wanting her to budge. She felt good cradled against his chest.

"Do you think the food is cold?" She asked finally remembering the dinner they'd stopped to get before they got home. He laughed; a throaty grin and she loved the sound.

"Maybe a little. You want to eat? Now?"

She turned in his arms to face him, tracing her fingers over his mouth, his cheekbones and his brow.

"Maybe not just yet. Maybe I want another serving of you first." He smiled at her, and she inhaled quickly as she felt his fingers squeezing her nipple. He pushed her back against the pillows, a little roughly, but she liked it and he kissed her between her breasts. She wanted this moment to go on forever she thought, running her fingers through his hair.

"One more order of _me_…" He licked her from her navel all the way up her torso. "…coming right up…..Jocelyn Carter."

* * *

It was a little past six o'clock when they both emerged from the bedroom and made their way downstairs to the kitchen. Joss sat atop the island with her hair tousled, wearing his shirt and her underwear. The sleeves were rolled up and he stood between her legs wearing only boxer briefs as she fed him shrimp fettuccini straight from the takeout carton. His arms were around her and his hands sat low on her thighs. Her feet were curled around him while they ate and she felt good being in his space again.

She put the container down beside her and put her arms around his neck. She tilted her head up, licking a tiny bit of sauce from his upper lip and smiled.

"Hmm….thank you." He said, kissing her quickly.

"You're welcome." She said. Her eyes lighted on his ruffled hair and she smoothed it down a bit, running her fingers over his cowlick. "Look at this here." She said studying it.

"What?"

"This. This is what you gave my poor child."

"_Our_ _child_."

"_Our child_. Does this run in the family? Is it an heirloom or something?" She teased and he smiled.

"You know my great grandfather had one. My father had an old photo of him and it was worse than mine."

"I'd love to see that." She said, running her fingers over it again. It finally bowed down under her persistence. But she knew it wouldn't stay that way for long. It was one of the little details about him she loved. Just like the tiny lines around his eyes, the thickness of his brows and the nose she'd always loved from the beginning. She moved her finger over the tip, tracing the tiny line that ran through it.

"Well your wish can come true. I have some old photographs, things from my parents in a house I own in Upper Marlborough. Haven't been to the place in years, but there are a lot of family things in storage. Things that you and Jourdan should see now. Now that you're family."

She nodded knowing what the word meant to him. In Paris he'd talked about wanting a family. He believed he'd never have one, now everything was coming true for him and she was glad to be a part of it.

"Speaking of family…." She said, hugging him. "It's time you met my mother." She felt him stiffen in her arms and looked up at him. "There's no reason for you to be scared. She's harmless. She's in her sixties. She's the sweetest woman I know. She'll love you."

* * *

Joss' suggestion that she meet her mother gave him pause and yes he stiffened a bit. Not because he was afraid as Joss thought, but it reminded him of how Jessica had once kept him hidden from her mother. Like he was a secret she was ashamed of and didn't know how to explain. He'd always been uneasy about it, but he ended up leaving her shortly after so it became an afterthought.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am John. You're Jourdan's father and you're a big part of my life now. It's time for you to meet her. And we can finally put an end to all the questions she has about you."

"I wasn't scared before, but I think I am now." He joked. "What kind of questions does she have?"

"Oh the standard ones, what do you do for a living? Where were you while Jourdan's been growing up? What are your intentions concerning me, that sort of thing. Nothing important."

"Intentions?" He asked and she gave a sheepish grin. "Is that her question or yours?"

"Maybe a little of both."

The soft question in her eyes made him realize that she loved him and wanted him more than ever. The trace of doubt let him know she didn't want to lose him again and he wanted his intentions to be as clear as possible. He wanted to erase any uncertainty there still might be from this moment onward.

"I _intend_ to love you until my dying breath. I _intend_….to never let you go, Joss." He bent his head to kiss her, tasting the sweetness of her lips and pulled her close to his body.

"Can you handle that?" He asked softly.

"It's definitely something I can get used to." She answered.

"And since it looks like I'm going to take that vacation…."

"…._long extended vacation_."

"Long and…..extended…..hmmm…..kinda reminds me of something." He buried his face in her neck as she started to giggle. "I need to get more of my things and have them sent here."

"As soon as possible please. Thank you very much."

"Would you come with me? Help me pack?"

"Back to New York?"

Her question was quiet and he knew she was thinking of Kara again. She hung her head a little and he could feel she was still a little frightened. He tilted her chin up so he could look in her eyes.

"I'll be there with you, every minute. I'll never leave your side."

She nodded her head and closed her eyes for a second. "Okay. I will."

* * *

Joss couldn't remember when she felt this happy before. She hadn't been this way with Paul or the other major relationship before him. But with John, she felt like her heart was safe and she felt a joy to be around him.

They decided he'd stay with them through December and head back to New York and his work with Finch in the New Year. John didn't want to be away from them for very long. He made it clear to her that she and Jourdan were more important than anyone else right now. So they further agreed that within two years if he wasn't seriously injured or heaven forbid killed, he'd stop work permanently and settle down with them for good.

When that happened, he wanted them to move to another house, something bigger that would accommodate all of their collective belongings, more yard space and perhaps an addition to the family. She balked at the idea, citing Jourdan's age, both their jobs and not having the time a baby would require. It's why she was on birth control and had been for a while, she told him. She didn't want to start over at this stage in her life and while he agreed to drop the idea for now, he claimed they'd revisit it later.

She started to tell him he needed to drop the idea forever, but he silenced her with his kisses, first to her lips, her neck and her breasts, then lower to her stomach and between her legs.

She loved how he used his tongue, how he lingered on her.

"That's right, John. Take your time…you can live down there if you want." She could say no more as her head dipped back and she felt his tongue sliding in and out of her. He had her gasping, moaning, pleading for release, then shaking when it finally came.

He lay over her, looking at her and her body tingled as he parted her thighs. She bent her knees and she kissed him hungrily as she felt him slowly guide himself into her. He groaned into her mouth and she put her arms around his neck as he started to pump into her.

He was hard this time, rough and his thrusts were coming fast and deep. Neither of them spoke. There was only an exchange of breaths, soft moans and both of them holding on to each other as best they could till they found release in each other.

She was weak afterwards as she lay atop him and they finally fell asleep around midnight, both of them exhausted, but happy and content.

* * *

When John woke up the next morning the room was bright and it looked like Joss had opened the blinds. From the sound of her voice he could tell she was at the edge of the bed and he felt it move every now and again as she shifted. She was on the phone with her mother letting her know she hadn't gone to New York as planned. He pretended he was still asleep as he listened and heard her tell her mother about him, how'd he'd come to Norfolk to see her and that she wanted her mother to meet him. She sounded excited, and her tone was affectionate and loving as she spoke of him. He couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips.

"Hold on mom." He heard her say and the bed dipped right in the back of him. "I know you're not asleep." She whispered in his ear and he could hear the smile in her voice. He got up and pulled her toward his chest as she squealed. "We should be over in the afternoon after you get back from church. Don't tell Jourdan, we want it to be a surprise. Thanks, mom." She ended the call and tossed the cell phone next to her on the bed before turning to him.

"Good morning." She said smiling down at him.

"Good morning, Joss."

* * *

He was nervous when they pulled up to Joss' mother's house in Virginia Beach. The neighbourhood was quiet, the yard perfectly manicured and there were some flowerpots on the front porch. The mat under his feet said 'welcome' and there was a wreath on the door decorated in ribbon and pretty bows. The front window was open and he could smell the aroma of food in his nose.

Joss was at his side, holding his hand and she squeezed it.

"It's gonna be fine, she's gonna love you." He smiled back at her. They were dressed similarly in dark jeans and t-shirts and as soon as she rang the doorbell he heard the sound of footsteps running toward them. He knew it was Jourdan, excited, expecting her mother. The door was pulled open roughly and as soon as Jourdan saw him her whole face lit up.

"_Daddy!"_ She screamed and he laughed picking her up. Tears stung his eyes as she clung to him telling him how much she missed him and was happy he was there. She hung onto his neck as he kissed her cheek over and over, feeling like he'd just gotten a piece of himself back that was missing.

"I missed you too honey." He opened his eyes to see Joss' mother standing there watching their reunion. He put Jourdan down and said hello as she introduced them.

"Grandma this is my daddy. His name is John. And daddy this is my grandma. Her name is Evelyn."

"Thank you honey." He said. "It's nice to meet you, Evelyn. Joss has told me a lot about you."

"It's nice to finally meet you too, John." She said and she embraced him warmly. "You're all Jourdan ever talks about these days, especially since they got back from New York."

"Is that so?" He said ruffling Jourdan's hair.

"Daddy, no!" She said, but he pulled her to his side.

"What's for dinner, mom? Something smells good." Asked Joss as she closed the front door.

Joss's mother beckoned them all into the kitchen with her and he followed suit as they all walked together.

"Now, John don't be shy, come on in here with the rest of us. I hope you brought your appetite with you. We do love to eat in this house. Especially this one." She said pointing at Jourdan. "She has a healthy appetite."

"Grandma….."

"Don't I know it." He said. "She usually gets me to cook whatever she wants."

"She got you wrapped around her finger already?" Evelyn shook her head. "It's been like that since she was a baby. Nobody can say no to her." She told him exactly what dishes she'd prepared, which was a lot and he was in awe that she'd done all of it in such a short time. "Now tell me exactly what you want on your plate honey. Don't be shy."

* * *

A few hours later they were all stuffed. They'd retired to the den and the TV was on although Jourdan was the only one who glanced at it from time to time. As expected her mother asked John a slew of questions about where he'd been, his job and his life in New York. But he turned on the charm full force on her and after witnessing him interact with both Jourdan and Joss he'd won her over.

She looked at him with a twinkle in her eye now and told him to call her _Evie_. Joss shook her head and verbally commented on that, but her mother waved her hand and dismissed her remark. _Evie_ was the pet name Joss' dearly departed father used to call her. The only other person who sometimes called her Evie was her mother's sister who lived in Boston. Joss guessed it was safe to assume that she'd fully warmed up to him.

Joss sat close to him on the couch and leaned her head on his shoulder. "Told you." He squeezed her hand and she was glad that her mother finally met him. It wouldn't be long before she loved him just as much as she and Jourdan did.

"Daddy I want _**Coldstone**_." Said Jourdan crawling onto his lap and throwing her arms around him. Everyone in the room laughed.

"See what I mean Evie?" John said referring to his comment earlier. "We better go."

They said goodbye to her mother after a while and the hug she gave John was much tighter than the one when they first got there.

They took a short drive to _**Coldstone**_ so Jourdan could get her ice cream and John ordered them both the flavour he'd bought for her when she first came to his loft in New York. With his arm around her, they walked toward the parking lot and got in the car.

"Daddy we should go to the Oceanfront. What do you think?" Joss was holding her breath waiting for John to give in to yet another of their daughter's demands and she rolled her eyes. When she looked over at John, his gaze was fixed on her.

"No honey, we'll go to the Oceanfront another day. Let's go home."

* * *

ONE WEEK LATER

When the wheels of the plane touched down at LaGuardia, John squeezed Joss' hand on the armrest beside him. She remained quiet while they got their luggage and on the ride back to the loft. He slipped the key into the lock and they walked in together, still both silent.

He took their bags into the walk in closet and took his jacket off as she walked around. The look on her face was solemn and pensive and he could guess what she was thinking. She walked over to one of the windows looking out over the city and turned to him as he came to stand beside her.

"It's still the same. I don't know why but I expected it to look different….be different somehow."

He put his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close and she put her arm around his waist. It felt as if things had finally come full circle and they were on their way to a new life together.

"The only thing that's going to be different from now on is us. You've made a big difference in my life, Joss. I'm so glad that…..you found me."

He turned to kiss her softly before locking her in a fierce embrace.

"We found each other John. I love you." She whispered and her arms around him felt like home.

"I love you too."

* * *

A/N I may (or may not) write an epilogue to this story. Look out for notifications, just in case.


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